Your New King

[mandyzines]

53 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

But for a rare and straight forward answer: 

Thanks! I follow David Lynch and never knew he had his own brand of coffee!

Cold coffee and creamer must be banned from your kingdom, I take it.

[vickiespencer]

On 9/13/2022 at 1:26 PM, damooch916 said:

caffeine

I miss the days when my body could tolerate drinking caffeinated coffee. But alas, I have discovered that caffeine makes my belly complain and my joints ache. So, I drink decaf coffee now, which is a sad replacement for the real deal.

On 9/13/2022 at 1:26 PM, damooch916 said:

almond milk

I have become a fan of oat milk and nut pods creamers. They do not have any added sugars, but I sometimes do add a bit of Monk Fruit sweetener.

     

[newsmike]

2 hours ago, damooch916 said:

I also use an automated espresso machine and normally drink the two at a one to one ratio.

After years of using an automated machine, it died. I ordered a replacement but found that the manufacturing moved from Italy to Romania, and it had a nifty prop 65 warning on it.

 

So, after searching literally dozens of similar machines, I reached the conclusion that you cannot find a machine without this, which, regarding the roughly $1,500 price tag is disheartening. This warning is on almost everything these days, and cannot be avoided sometimes, but for something that makes food or drink, it seems a scary gamble. I've even seen it on the leading brand of Sriracha sauce:

 

So after all that I have settled on just 2 types of coffee. Pour over using the Chemex and Zerowater boiled in a 100% stainless kettle. And Lavazza espresso in a 100% stainless moka pot, which ain't easy to find. Almost all are aluminum, and don't get me started on the dangers of heating food in aluminum.  

 

[fiveroptic1]

...We're all a bit touched by the Queen's passing here in the UK if I'm honest. It's something we all knew would happen one day of course,  but it's still hard to digest. We're a strange bunch us Brits. Whilst being completely irreverent to most types of authority, we've always (I would say 95% of the population) cherished the Queen and what she stood for.  It's a bit of a contradiction.

I know that the Royal family is popular in other parts of the world and given that she was the longest serving head of state anywhere, also very news worthy. I wondered, are you still receiving lots of news coverage re the funeral and Charles III where you are / or has it all subsided now ??   

Edited September 13, 2022 by fiveroptic1

[damooch916]

22 minutes ago, fiveroptic1 said:

We're all a bit touched by the Queen's passing here in the UK if I'm honest

This feels like an uncharacteristic blunder on your behalf, so I’m not going to do the usual and use your misstep as linguistic target practice. You haven’t read through the text (or context) of this thread. Or you have and you’ve decided to wildly change our topic. In either case - there are threads dedicated to the Queen’s passing and this isn’t one of them.

This thread is to discuss your fiverrian King. The boy who came from nothing to be the people’s champion. He who is caffeinated. The victor of the game. The sultan of satire. Sire of Saucy.   

I could go on.

Now, it may be that you’re fully aware of the conversation and you decided to inject some emotionality into it. No problem. If that’s really a conversation you’re aiming to perpetuate, have at it. There’s an undercurrent of political disagreement that may follow the conversation, though. If that should occur, I shall lend you my three fastest ships  - and you will glide smoothly through the eve to devastate your enemies. 
 

[fiveroptic1]

@damooch916, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. Are you really having a go at me for going 'off topic' - it's hard to tell ??  I had read (most of) the content before I posted, so was fully aware of the context. However, If you truly feel that the arrival of a new king - has absolutely nothing to do with the death of a previous monarch, then I stand corrected & apologise profusely for entering the conversation. Indeed, if this thread bears no reference to events over here in the UK, and is merely a 'timing coincidence' then I stand doubly corrected. Regardless of whether "there are threads dedicated to the Queen’s passing and this isn’t one of them", I'll leave others to judge if the connection I made and my input to the topic was reasonable ...

[newsmike]

47 minutes ago, fiveroptic1 said:

However, If you truly feel that the arrival of a new king - has absolutely nothing to do with the death of a previous monarch, then I stand corrected & apologise profusely for entering the conversation. 

Too soon?

 

[damooch916]

1 hour ago, fiveroptic1 said:

Are you really having a go at me for going 'off topic' - it's hard to tell

Sincerely, the fact that you can’t tell moves me in indescribable ways. Let us all strive to design posts that contain little bits of “choose your own adventure.” 

 

1 hour ago, fiveroptic1 said:

if this thread bears no reference to events over here in the UK

Obviously my timing appropriates world news, but I’m using it as a launching pad for another subject. The thread is a meta-commentary on forums and the desire for relevance. It’s a gumbo of related ideas pertaining to popularity, authoritarianism, self obsession, self consciousness and belonging. Then, totally unrelated to that, it’s a silly foundation designed to pile foolish nonsense. 

Then there’s the smidgen of belief I have about my own forum standing. This small hangup I keep locked in a box marked “secret” and I’ve dumped its contents out here, in public, placing myself at the center of the joke.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe it … I rather dig the way people treat me in the forum. They sort of enjoy me in the same way they enjoy watching a major explosion: somewhat fascinated and partially mortified. 

1 hour ago, fiveroptic1 said:

apologise profusely for entering the conversation

I wouldn’t accept. No need. You walked in on a bit. As part of that bit, the king was irritated that you didn’t acknowledge the bit. Thus, making you part of the bit. So, we’re co-stars. Congratulations.

(Of course, at the point that I’m speaking to the motivations of the bit - clearly it’s seen better days) 

I promise you didn’t hijack anything. Let’s be honest, it’s fairly impossible to derail a thread designed to enter space and see where the stars take it. Had I been authentically peeved - I wouldn’t have softly needled. Typically I design those retorts while imagining a sledge hammer wrapped in recently used barbed wire.

Enclosing, your Forum King gives blessing to your inquiries. We may proceed. 

[fiveroptic1]

7 hours ago, newsmike said:

Too soon?

Ha! Not at all.  I'm sure we've all seen a lot worse. Think Epstein / Prince Andrew!!

@damooch916. That's good. I'm glad that's cleared up! 

[sarabarkat]

So, is it true? I thought we are independent here.

[imagination7413]

11 hours ago, sarabarkat said:

I thought we are independent here.

You are as free as your eyes take in, your brain keep up, your wit can counter, your words can articulate, and your fingers can keyboard-clickity-clack.

Which is why King can get away with gourmet-level satire, even if it can be as sharp as a candy cane licked into a point. 

[sarabarkat]

On 9/14/2022 at 7:16 PM, imagination7413 said:

You are as free as your eyes take in, your brain keep up, your wit can counter, your words can articulate, and your fingers can keyboard-clickity-clack.

Which is why King can get away with gourmet-level satire, even if it can be as sharp as a candy cane licked into a point. 

are you a writer? 'cause you are amazing though

 

[imagination7413]

On 9/15/2022 at 12:08 PM, sarabarkat said:

are you a writer?

Not in any official capacity. I enjoy writing, though I'm too slow to do it for profit. I do appreciate the complement. As this is Mr. King DaMooch's topic though, I must pass on some of the praise, since his grandiose writing inspired that particular blurb I wrote. 

[vickiespencer]

7 minutes ago, imagination7413 said:

I enjoy writing, though I'm too slow to do it for profit.

Me too!

 

[zeus777]

On 9/9/2022 at 5:12 PM, damooch916 said:

The ranting pot will now only feature arguments against Disney Live action remakes.

So I was personally VERY disappointed with how Belle's dress looked like in the live action Beauty and the Beast, and my friend said "It looks like a half-finished prom dress." And I agree. I actually saw the dress used in the movie at this exhibition, and nope, it was NOT impressive.

I went to convention in Seattle and came across this Belle, and I asked for a photo. I also told her that she looked amazing.

She said that she too was SO disappointed in the live action dress, she had to make her own version. And boy oh boy did she do a fantastic job.

.....I just wanted to share her amazing dress here, sorry your majesty, not trying to high-jack this post or anything!

[sarabarkat]

On 9/17/2022 at 9:43 AM, vickiespencer said:

Me too!

 

you can share it with me. please feel free to share.

 

[sarabarkat]

16 hours ago, zeus777 said:

So I was personally VERY disappointed with how Belle's dress looked like in the live action Beauty and the Beast, and my friend said "It looks like a half-finished prom dress." And I agree. I actually saw the dress used in the movie at this exhibition, and nope, it was NOT impressive.

I went to convention in Seattle and came across this Belle, and I asked for a photo. I also told her that she looked amazing.

She said that she too was SO disappointed in the live action dress, she had to make her own version. And boy oh boy did she do a fantastic job.

.....I just wanted to share her amazing dress here, sorry your majesty, not trying to high-jack this post or anything!

wow that's pretty cool to make your own version. I appreciate her thoughts and this dress as well.

[damooch916]

The following program was originally  broadcast live. It has been edited for content. By “content”, we mean unsavory language. By “language” we mean: the King did a whole twenty minute rant on the status of modern coffee makers. Frankly, your royal tank topness went bonkers. We’re fairly positive he was attempting standup, but everyone was too afraid to laugh. It had something to do with the amount of water the average keurig pours into your standard coffee cup … and that somehow stood as a metaphor for today’s musical landscape … and that went into the perceived weakening of modern males … and suddenly he was strapping explosives to a coffee maker and shouting, “I love coffee with a real kick!”

Anyhoo, here he is, the King of the Fiverr Forum. The majesty of the muscle shirt. The sovereign of soul. The monarch with the most. Sultan Steal Your Heart. The emperor of oomph. The one. The only. King Mooch! 
 

Thank you. Thank you. You’re a great audience. Well, I just flew in from the states and let me tell you; my life is crazy.

I said, “My life is crazy…”

(How crazy is it?)

My life is so crazy, it could pass as a law in California.

Whats up with California, am I right? Businesses are leaving, law making is intervening in everyone’s personal opinions - and they say the homeless are making tents, plopping down boxes and living anywhere they want.

Or as we say in the south, “building a neighborhood.”

Seriously people. The south is the only place you can grab a pest inspection and get an oil change - all in the same location.

Speaking of disgusting locations, has anyone been to a Starbucks lately? Who was the design mastermind that asked “can we make these places look like an airport bathroom?” But it’s convenient. Soon I’ll be able to tap my foot and get espresso with my reach around. Way to play the time clock, Starbucks.

Its cool. These days I mostly just use the Keurig. What a scam this is … 

(This portion has been edited for, well, for your peace of mind. We now zoom you over to the formal introduction and the King’s actual prepared statements. Yes. It’s gonna be one of those longer than Exodus threads, so just buck up) 

… And now that we have that out of the way …

My loyal subjects… Distinguished guests… Fellow forum Fiverrians… Visitors from that weird forum section for audio nerds … 

I come to you today, not as a dead-sexy tank top God, with eyes of chocolate storms and a chin molded by the grand architect of thy heavens. No! I come to you as a humble servant of the people. For it was you that bestowed upon me this lifetime appointment of ultimate power and reckless capacity.

I mean… it was kinda you.

Clearly we didn’t host an election. That would be a little backward, considering the whole, “undivided sovereignty” thing.

But know that in my heart, your frivolous  opinions and your unanswered questions mean the world to me. They beckon to me as I lay sleeping. And sometimes I have to turn the fan up higher, because the king needs his rest. Plus, I’m listening to a podcast - so, ya know, show some decorum. The king swears, if after 20 episodes I miss finding out who the killer is, all because your dumb request to get your first order came floating in on the breeze … you’re likely to get the Lion’s den.

But, I love you.

….

As we stand with just days separating us from the promise that the new year brings, we prepare to voyage into the unknowable by reflecting on the many lessons of 2022. We stood triumphantly. We fell thunderously. We exploded into fits of elation. We cried into the pillows of cushions. But above all, we learned.

Well, perhaps we didn’t learn. But we still complained over new fiverr policies on the forum, in an attempt to seem knowledgeable. 

This year saw many changes. 

* We linked arms and weeped joyful tears as the “Buyers Request” section crumbled from the cliffs of absurdity.

* We shielded our faces and fought, with gritted teeth, as Fiverr “matched” us with wildly inappropriate buyers

(Seriously fiverr, thank you for matching me with the guy needing advice on his rubber band collection. I took his money, sent him a weight lifting schedule and stuck him on a healthy dose of protein and Prince music) 

* We sharpened our weapons as the “Business Client” conquered undiscovered lands.

* We obsessed over badges that you can neither wear, nor flash at a door man while entering locations so undesirable, they still advertise in neon.

* We evaluated various levels of Seller Plus.

* We tore through popular tag words.

* We created new gigs for a subsection of fiverr users, only to realize that “less” means “less.”

* But mostly we just complained about people asking for advice in the “casual conversation” section again. We are, if nothing else, a consistent people.

This year we balanced our fiverrian traditions against the rise of the post covid, new world, post modernist new comers. Their generation is an itchy sort. Feverish in their disdain for all things - and eager to join in at the adult table. Their scars are invisible and their mouth’s produce slogans, not of their own design.

But you, precious congregation, know this story all too well. You keep your arms inside the vehicle as it moves along - and your expectations will be validated, as most of your new contemporaries will fall into the obscurity awaiting anyone who attempts to command this trip without proper training.

For those needing a refresher, the King’s guide to proper forum acclimation goes like this:

1) Know your role.
2) Shut your mouth.

Through exhaustive field studies, my council has determined that new members benefit the most from forum usage when they refrain from interaction, whilst moving their eyes in a left to right motion. They call this revolutionary technique: reading.

Be that as it may, we did have some breakout stars this year. After much consideration (which is essentially just me, toppled over my coffee bar and waiting for my espresso to brew) I have decided to award council positions to @vickieito and @sunboatrecords. 
 

It’s either that or execution.

No, you can’t pick execution. My guy wandered off to grab a coffee and told the king there was a cookie with my name on it. That was two weeks ago. 

The rest of my council welcomes you. They know who they are. I think they know. Naw, they know. 

Now remember, these appointments aren’t just the delusional musings of some totally self inflated writer; some completely arbitrary garage words designed to take up time between gigs, playfully pretending to be spoken in satire while masking a very deeply seeded feeling of self entitlement, earned through the totally wonky feeling of being applauded for on stage since childhood.

No. These designations are very real.

They don’t really come with any sense of useable power or anything. Actual work falls to the forum staff … but hey, we get to dress up and make funky titles for people. So it’s all good.

….

In some ways, this was a year like any other. We rode through the changes and we felt little impact. We deadlined and dashed. We fielded the same questions, in the same manner, from the same people - with new faces, all while using our most tried responses. It was more of the same. And my, how same it was.
 

But for those of you with the right set of eyes, you know that this year served as the template, the test to usher in rumored changes that seek to reestablish the edges. We’re primed for the waters to shake violently - and some of you don’t swim hardly as well as others. Ask them how. Or better yet, observe their moves. Because the storm is coming and from it, there will be no shelter. Don’t bother arguing the merits of the “old ways…” ask yourself if the successful crop in 2013 are still successful into 2023 and realize that there’s something additional in our ability to ride the wind. It’s called “waving your arms like hell” and it’s still the prevailing low cost method to avoid sinking. 
 

Okie-dokie.

Lets king around a little bit.

As most of you, my unbeknownst subjects, know - part of my responsibilities as King is to proclaim the new edicts. It’s a job I take very seriously. It’s just that, well, I forgot. Look, how was I to know that a “Twin Peaks” marathon would come sweeping through my home?

While an “official list” of new 2023 forum regulations may have to wait for January, I still owe you something. Here are some temporary rulings to get you through: 

1) You may no longer use the “Casual Conversations” section while wearing business socks.

2) Saturday will now be referred to as spaghet-erday. FYI: it’s bring your own noodle. 

3) We’re now accepting applications for our “grown & sexy” section of the forum. Oddly enough, it’s just a book club where we debate Kafka. Honestly, after so many stupid conversations, this is about as sexy as we need things to get.

4) Moving forward, you are only allowed to “ask for advice” after submitting a full video singing the theme to “Frasier.”

5) We will now handle all forum conflict through “thumb wars.”

6) Tuesdays will now feature “movie night” in the Rec center, followed by a discussion. That movie will be the Godfather. Yes, every Tuesday.

7) We are moving the date of our “Peter Falk look-a-like contest.” 

For number eight, I have a short list of words that have been banned from the forum. These include:

Dear (for self evident reasons)

first-order (both the first of the orders you aren’t getting and that terrible empire knock off)

Please (shocking maybe, but this word only appears on the forum as a disclaimer to some wild request that no one can even satisfy. Ex: “Please make me a better freelancer by teaching me an entire trade and doing my marketing. K, thanks.”

Woke (Pro or con is really irrelevant. Let’s just revert back to the original term - idiocy.)

Pie-Mucking (I haven’t seen anyone actually use this term, I just want to be ahead of it)

And there it is.

That brings us to the conclusion of our first, undecidedly annual, year in review. It was a good year. Full of angst and stresses, lessons and elations. It brought us happiness and sorrow and confirmations and those weird pieces of chicken that some restaurants wrap in tin foil. What are those things? I need them in my kitchen year round, ya know, for science.

Many of us faltered. And yet, still some persevered. It’s with that uncertainty in mind, that we will face the challenges of a new year, in a new time, but at the same “Bat-Channel.”

Fear not, my fiverrian kin folk … for on those fields where the battle is to be fought, I will stand with you. I will fight with you. I might even fight you. Cause, war gets all messy and we didn’t pick a uniform.

The point is, we will do it together.

Until it’s time to pay the bills. I’m gonna let you handle that part by yourself. Also, I’m not in the mood for guests. But other than that, it’s totally together.

To the brave new adventures that await us! And to the 4K restoration of “Rear Window!” Let us celebrate with our coffee raised high. My love and allegiance is with you all. 
 

Some?

A couple of you.

You’re alight in my book, to you all. 
 

King Mooch of the Fiverr Forum Realms 

[sunboatrecords]

Your majesty,

I thank you for this great honor.

I vow to continue aiding our fellow Fiverrlings to the best of my ability.

Your humble servant and newly appointed member of the council,

Spyros.

[damooch916]

In a rare public acknowledgement of erroneous behavior, I admit to having rushed through the new the council appointment process. I wrongly excluded @breals from his earned position on the council. Obviously, I find it crucial to surround myself with people who pronounce “garage” in completely different ways than I do. 

54 minutes ago, sunboatrecords said:

I vow to continue aiding our fellow Fiverrlings to the best of my ability.

Or you could just throw them a life preserver and give a cookie to the sole survivor. Regardless, your bleeding heart pumps very differently than mine (which is either due to mine being made of stone, or I’m eating WAY too much meat).

Its this difference in philosophy that makes for a great council. As evidenced by the great consortiums like “Lincoln’s Cabinet” or the 1996 Chicago Bulls.

It’s in that difference that I can seek to trust your loyalty.

Although, you’re still going to have to sacrifice a graphic designer.
Sorry about that. 

[vickiespencer]

1 hour ago, damooch916 said:

Its cool. These days I mostly just use the Keurig. What a scam this is … 

Living where I do and the coffee places being what they are, I get better cups of espresso, lattes, and cappuccinos from my Keurig. My son gave us the one with the little frothing pot attached for Christmas in 2020.

 

1 hour ago, damooch916 said:

* We linked arms and weeped joyful tears as the “Buyers Request” section crumbled from the cliffs of absurdity.

Many are just plain weeping over the loss of Buyer Requests.

1 hour ago, damooch916 said:

The rest of my council welcomes you. They know who they are. I think they know. Naw, they know. 

Yep, I am proud to be on your majesty's council for a couple of years now. Long live, King Mooch aka Tommy!

 

[sunboatrecords]

9 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

Or you could just throw them a life preserver and give a cookie to the sole survivor.

I have no doubts that I will be more like you in the future.

I was lurking for months before I typed my first sentence here. I read all the valuable posts by my seniors.

With each passing day, I respond less and less. 75% of the new threads are by people who don't even bother to search the forum.

It is never ending.

Many of them sound more like gamblers than freelancers. I don't have anything in common with those types.

They somehow think that they are owed success. They are desperately looking for a shortcut to bypass the hard work, dedication, and consistency that it takes.

In any case, I admire the wonderful @vickieito who tries to help all these people day in and day out. I call her the 'mother of the forum'.

Anyway, I am off to catch an unsuspecting graphic designer!

 

[breals]

Your Majesty,

As your other council members have stated so humbly themselves, this is also a great moment in my life, and it fills me with such happiness that you have entrusted me with this duty. It's not since I received my 'I've been a brave boy' sticker at the dentist last year that I have felt so much pride and joy.  For that I thank you!

By way of an update, I have already been on Fiverr looking for a custom-printed T-shirt. a logo, and a brochure designer to show my dedication to the cause. But alas, I fear I may need to complete a buyer brief for this hugely important task! I will keep you updated. 

Finally, In the spirit of unity between our two great nations. I will endeavor, to bow down to peer pressure and remove the 'ough' from the end of my words, as well as ensuring that the word tomato is pronounced in accordance with Fiverr etiquette. 

Your loyal Servant 

Edited November 30, 2022 by breals

[vickiespencer]

2 hours ago, andymoorevoice said:

I will now go to a Starbucks over a local place as I know the Starbucks isn't going to serve me a latte where they forgot to change the grounds in the portafilter.

We have two Starbucks, and I never buy coffee there. The only place with excellent coffee up to my standards lost its lease and sadly went out of business.

I was one of the first four baristas in my town. The espresso cart was located in a kitchen store that sold forty varieties of coffee, and I learned to tell the difference between most of them. My favorite was coffee from Kenya and Costa Rica.

2 hours ago, andymoorevoice said:

I stand in worship of it many times a day though question if I really should stand, or is it sit, on a council when I'm yet to record my first gig video and go live? 

I want an altar just like yours for my kitchen counter.

[williambryan392]

Well said @damooch916. It's great to see an increase of intelligent and helpful contributions from the likes of @vickieito @breals @sunboatrecords . It's made the place better for sure! 

On 11/30/2022 at 4:34 PM, sunboatrecords said:

In any case, I admire the wonderful @vickieito who tries to help all these people day in and day out

Yep agree, it's admirable, the patience of a saint! 

On 11/30/2022 at 4:34 PM, sunboatrecords said:

I was lurking for months before I typed my first sentence here. I read all the valuable posts by my seniors.

The sensible approach! Too many people don't read the information that's already available and instead expect to be spoon fed. 

I wish others would do the same! Every day I get inbox messages about how to get orders on Fiverr and how to improve their gigs. I send links and tell them to read as that's the only way they will be more capable professionals in the long run. Spoon feeding obvious answers they could work out themselves won't make them better. It shows them that laziness is rewarded. It's like a teacher just giving the student the answer rather than showing them the route to get the answer. The classic 'give a man a fish' adage. I also fear that (in some way) it is helping sellers mislead buyers because their profile isn't their own work which is perhaps borderline unethical. This is why writing gig descriptions as a gig isn't allowed. Anyway, mini rant over, but darn, it annoys me so much and I'm so glad to have seen this new blood on the forum this year. Thanks again to you all! 

Can't believe it's December already. Let's hope 2023 is great for us all and that the forum only continues to get better!