Your New King

[damooch916]

I realize that a great emptiness has occurred. A sadness that mere words won’t usher away. 

It’s on this day that the great orb has revealed itself. And so I shall do what must be done.

I accept your gracious (and very real) demand to crown me King of the Fiverr Forum.

My reign shall be one of fairness. Equality. Strength. And hella funk.

As my first order of business, I hereby issue the “Otis Redding” decree. This shall serve as the formal statement making “I can’t turn you loose” the official song of the Fiverr forum. You are therefore required to start your day by listening and actively dancing to this song. Peace be with you as you journey into the holy land of horns and soul.

 

I’m also initiating the “Espresso Edict.” It is now mandatory that all forum participants drink from the dark mouth of their espresso cups while engaged in forum discussion. Don’t be wacky about it. Just get it done. Failure to do so will result in a prompt delivering to one’s room. Where they will sit. And they will think about what they did wrong. And if one keeps complaining, I will tell one’s father. So keep it up sport. 

A few other odds and ends …

 

* I’m bringing back the guillotine, but only for those folks that keep telling us how many gigs they’ve completed. Stop it. 

 

* Wednesday is now renamed to “Winsday.” Especially if the Winsday occurs in Febyouairy. I won’t be made to look a fool for mispronouncing words I can simply restructure.

 

* We will now use “casual conversations” for quasi casual purposes. For extremely relaxed talk, we’ll use the new “loosey goosey” section.

 

* No pants Saturday? Make it so.

 

* The ranting pot will now only feature arguments against Disney Live action remakes.

 

* I herby proclaim pumpkin pie to be an all season food.

 

* We will have a “Movie of the month.” That movie is “Tombstone.” Case closed.

 

* Every third Tuesday at 6pm (US est) - we will collectively sing the theme from “Cheers.” Those caught not knowing the words will be banished.

 

* I’m banning ankle socks.

 

* On the 2nd of each month I will host discussions on Thomas Harris’ criminally underrated masterpiece “Hannibal” (the book not the terrible movie) with a follow up announcement about revisiting Cameron Crowe’s “Vanilla Sky.”

 

* The fiverr forum official bird is now “The Ric Flair.” If that guy’s nose doesn’t count as a beak, literally nothing does.

 

* Forum disputes will now be settled in cages.

 

* I hereby demand that romantic relationships emerge from this forum. Just once I’d like to see a “hello dear” thread actually lead to it’s natural conclusion.

 

* It is now required that when asking for advice, you must post a picture in your silliest hat. This saves us time on establishing your nickname.

 

* All satirical list threads must now be approved by me. As the original plagiarist of my greatest works - I need to make sure you’re not mucking it up.

 

* We now have a flag. It’s a pair of comfy sweatpants attached to a pole with earbuds in the pockets.

 

* As king of the Fiverr Forum - I officially declare war on the number 6.

 

* I thusly vanquish the “Tips for Buyers” section to a forum located in Australia.

 

* I will appoint a council to determine a committee to search for some advisors. 

 

* All forum goers must carry vaccination cards at all times to prove they aren’t susceptible to cooties.

 

* From this day forth - we shall be deemed NWO 4 life. 

 

* All throughout June we shall celebrate The Golden Girls.

 

* Henceforth and herefore we acknowledge the foremost hereafter, therefore and whatnot.

 

* I formally reinstate disco. 

 

 

Okay. That’s it for now. May my reign be a prosperous one. Also, may my pants stay handy and my shots stay hot. As you were.

[zeus777]

4 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Febyouairy.

Excuse me your majesty ( or is "your grace" better??), how in the heck do you pronounce this word??

 

4 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Just once I’d like to see a “hello dear” thread actually lead to it’s natural conclusion.

Alright then, I'll give it a try.

Hello dear. Always a pleasure to read your posts. I wish I had writing skills like you. How do I get writing jobs?

 

4 hours ago, damooch916 said:

you must post a picture in your silliest hat.

I don't own any hats. I guess I'll have to DIY one?

 

Long live the new king. 

[damooch916]

3 hours ago, zeus777 said:

Excuse me your majesty ( or is "your grace" better??), how in the heck do you pronounce this word??

I accept: 

Your Superduperness

Your Caffinatedcy

King Eye Candy of The Realm  

The Excellenator

Grand Duke of the big chested 

Kaiser Brown Eyes 

The Sultan of Smooth Talk 

Baron Von Tank Top

And

His Wordiness

 

Now to your question.

Febyouairy is the American pronunciation of the word “February.” As an unabashedly American sort, I proudly butcher the pronunciation of this word (while holding a gun, eating meat and listening to country music). I shan’t look the fool. So I hereby change this silly word deformity to the word Feb-you-airy.

I also realize the absurdity of proclaiming myself both: unabashedly American whilst also claiming to be the true monarch of anything. But … ya know … I got it like that.  

 

[theratypist]

God save the King!

[furyy123]

14 hours ago, damooch916 said:

I will appoint a council to determine a committee to search for some advisors. 

Greetings to @damooch916The new king! This is the best point made by you. I'm waiting for this plan to come into action.

[imagination7413]

14 hours ago, damooch916 said:

* It is now required that when asking for advice, you must post a picture in your silliest hat. This saves us time on establishing your nickname.

But, I thought I was already 'Listerina'? Oh! I guess that's the advice I need! Should I promote my old nickname? (att. required hat pic)

14 hours ago, damooch916 said:

* I will appoint a council to determine a committee to search for some advisors. 

As long as it doesn't interfere with my nomination for forum bosswoman. 😉

14 hours ago, damooch916 said:

* I herby proclaim pumpkin pie to be an all season food.

Here, here!

[damooch916]

2 hours ago, imagination7413 said:

As long as it doesn't interfere with my nomination for forum bosswoman.

I shall appoint thee - Madam BossWoman. Ministress of the Funk. Listerina of the Seuss.

The point is, I like lots of names.

It is done. 

3 hours ago, furyy123 said:

I'm waiting for this plan

Please send your application (and your coffee gift cards) to my inbox. Allow three business days for a response.

 

8 hours ago, theratypist said:

God save the King!

Yes. First, save the coffee beans. But then definitely the king

[damooch916]

This just in:

* I hereby upgrade the “wanting” of the funk to the category of “need.”

* Mondays will now be 20 percent less manic. 

* From this day forth, whenever @newsmike enters a thread we will all shout “Norm!”

* I’m creating an outreach program that allows the werewolves of London to extend into other areas.

 

[breals]

Your majesty.  I am bitterly disappointed that 4pm Earl Grey tea and scones has been omitted from your manifesto.  This, along with the need to now destroy my 6 pairs of ankle socks has left me facing the guillotine and/or banishment to the far away land of gig impressions and buyer requests. 

I trust your majesty will reconsider the needs of the common British folk, and our strange eclectic tastes? 

Your loyal servant. 

 

Edited September 10, 2022 by breals

[janolivedesigns]

Oh Great One, wearer of Tank Tops and general King-person.

I humbly request that wearers of crocs be banished from thine Kingdon hencewith.

That's all.

[mandyzines]

#notmyking #iwillnotcomply

[newsmike]

Sire, the subjects are mostly happy to comply as long as football and alcohol abound, but there are dangerous whispers in the public houses of a resistance forming. It seems there is a mighty anti Estell Getty contingent amongst the norther farmers, who at this moment are preparing a caravan of tractors, pitchforks and torches. This is their flag: 

Edited September 10, 2022 by newsmike

[newsmike]

Breaking News:

[damooch916]

1 minute ago, newsmike said:

Breaking News

She declares herself many things. As you can see, they have not come to pass. 
 

18 minutes ago, newsmike said:

anti Estell Getty contingent

I can assure you that rumors of their existence are largely disinformation farms. No one dislikes Sofia.

No one. 

36 minutes ago, mandyzines said:

 

#notmyking

 

The greatest consultants of the monarchy are those you never consult. Although, you may have a strong career as Administer Of The Hashtag.

#bothsidesoftheaisle #gallowsdonttakeopinions

1 hour ago, janolivedesigns said:

I humbly request that wearers of crocs be banished from thine Kingdon hencewith.

Know what? I’m cool with that.

Hence forth and so for and so on and official words.

Done. 

1 hour ago, breals said:

I am bitterly disappointed that 4pm Earl Grey tea and scones has been omitted from your manifesto.

Hmm. I see your restrained demeanor and your repressed dark humor and your reserved behavior and to that I say:

Let it stand.

In this special instance you will refrain from espresso sipping for the appropriate course. Upon conclusion, please see your way back to espresso. 

[damooch916]

Now hear this!

I come amongst you, as you see, not in intimate fashions such as the tag that flaps on the outer zones of your neck when you first purchase a new shirt, and you wonder solemnly, “is this one of them shirts that’ll make a hole if I cut this tag off” and so you squirm and fidget so. No! I come in the midst and heat of battle, to live and fight and die amongst you all.

My pen sharpens - as does yours - with every thread posted in the wrong area, ready to stand against every comment of “nice info,” and ready to bleed, fighting every maker of the dreaded “delivered new gig,” fiasco. This is your hill. This hill is mine. And here we shall take up arms and we shall perish if the time is come. Or perhaps we shall go and read the news or something, for it is likely we are cranky and in need of much naps.

For it is true, I have but the body of a Father (plus I’m still killin it) but I have the heart of a king. And the stomach of a small coffee shop. This is the winter of our disco tent. 

May these words live inside your chest - and make it that no antacid may deplete them - for they are the words of your one, true king.

…

Right on. 

 

Now that we got that squared away, the king needs some stuff. I’m looking for the following positions to be filled. I’ll be accepting applications via inbox and hosting interviews remotely. The king is busy making a living writing silly pop songs. The king has bills. Openings exist for the following:

Almoner of the Funk: Despite the appearance, almonds have little to do with the position. Your job will be to provide our funk to holy proportions. And you can bring almonds. That’s cool. 

Steward of Foreign Affairs: You are to tell those jerks on YouTube that their advice sucks and that I’m taxing them for all that crap advice they send over here.

Cup-Bearer: Hey, it’s not a great job, but there’s lots of coffee involved. Know what I mean, Vern?

Forum Falconer: You hunt. I’m not sure what we’re gonna do with your kills in a virtual sense, but your business cards are gonna be wicked awesome.

Jester: Just know this, the king prefers Harpo to Buster Keaton. You supply your own horn.

Plus, ya know, feel free to pitch me your own positions. The king writes four and five projects a day - from songs to comedy shows. And sometimes the king’s programs are on. Don’t bother the king during “Columbo” marathons.

 

Also, here’s a few new mandates:

* Dali mustaches are now in style. You may leave your pictures here.

* You still mustn’t curse in the forum - but you may replace curses with the words foam-pickle, suckle berry, pie thumper, flute player and tickle muncher.

* Anyone caught besmirching the good name of the sacred and infallible Julia Roberts will be cast out of society. Stop acting like a big flute player.

* After much thought, Red Bull does not give you wings.

* The forum no longer accepts sucka mc’s.

* Forum members without children can no longer post in the “ranting” section. You people sound silly.

* Sunday, Monday happy days. Tuesday, Wednesday happy days. That’s enough. Don’t be greedy.

* We recognize Fred Rogers into sainthood. I’m not sure that falls to my jurisdiction, but it’s happening.

* Forum members must now take a three part test before referring to anything as “Kafkaesque.”

Okie dokie. The king has some lyrics to write. You cats stay loose. Officially, I’m ordering the royal looseness. 

May fiverr bless and keep us all. 

 

Edited September 11, 2022 by damooch916
I need not give reason. For I am king. Plus, the king’s fingers are strong and his iPhone small with faint button. So, ya know, cut me some slack.

[melanielm]

I just want to know who is going to teach the rats to do the conga to Otis Reading.

(Not volunteering!)

All hail the King!

 

Edited September 11, 2022 by melanielm

[damooch916]

1 hour ago, melanielm said:

I just want to know who is going to teach the rats to do the conga to Otis Reading

In my kingdom, no one must be taught the rhythm of their own dance and no two dancers are the same. 

[damooch916]

8 minutes ago, mohammedsoli452 said:

Hello how are you, I want to help you succeed in business

Boy, did you come to the wrong place. You couldn’t have picked a scenario to suffer worse embarrassment. I’m not sure whether to carve into you for your self aggrandizing, ill decided, rule defiant, non-aware, dumb headed behavior - or to actually feel bad.

Look around you.

What about me or my temperament would possibly make you think that mine are decent toes to step on? Of all the toes, mine are NOT the toes. Currently, you’re walking through quicksand, with anchors tied to your feet and you have not the faintest idea of your scenario.

But let’s look into your claim…

Help me with business you say? How? In one move you proved to misunderstand the environment that you’re pitching, ignored the general philosophy of the population and market yourself as some reading adverse dweeb.

You can’t help your own public perception, how can I trust you with mine?

Based on what I’ve seen - I wouldn’t let you help make pretend food with a kitchen play set. 

That is, of course, unless you willingly made yourself out to look like the passenger of a small clown car. If you set out to do that, well then, mission accomplished. After all, you only get one chance to make a first impression … and you chose to impersonate yourself, which was the wrong choice.  

But it’s your lucky day. I’ve put some thought into it and I’ve come up with some areas where I think you may be able to “help:”

1) You could be a human traffic cone.

2) You could try on-site skunk detection.

3) Two words: spider tickler

4) How bout live-in Bear breeder 

Any of those would probably go better than what you’ve done here.

 

 

[furyy123]

Dear king! @damooch916! Your writing skills are excellent.

[damooch916]

5 hours ago, furyy123 said:

Dear king! @damooch916! Your writing skills are excellent

The coffee does most of the talking. I am but a humble servant to it’s wants and ways. 

[rabihumakhan]

Hello dear, congratulations!

 

God save us from the king! 

 

BTW, what's the process of dethroning you except 'contacting' 'CS'?

[damooch916]

4 minutes ago, rabihumakhan said:

God save us from the king

You misspelled “loyal subject.”

4 minutes ago, rabihumakhan said:

BTW, what's the process of dethroning you except 'contacting' 'CS'?

The process is simple: start by spending ten years in the fiverr forum providing a unique perspective and be careful to straddle the line of originality without tipping over into “banned.” Next, respect the people here who are offering counter programming to your typical “get me gigs” local song and dance show. Earn their respect (in the land of fiverr and on a personal level) and learn from them. Thirdly, provide stunningly sharp, utterly polished criticisms but mask them as silly lists. Next - master the fine art of surrealist comedy, think: “would this make David Lynch laugh?”

But now for the real skinny … you must subscribe to a 12 hour work infused, four hour sleep maintaining, 12 cups of coffee a day drinking, 10 shots of espresso having, workout enraged, all or nothing lifestyle. Then, add four kids to it and raise them with activeness and agility.

Once you’ve crossed these bridges - you can be king of anything.

As for the time being, my pen is still rather lethal - so just hang out and enjoy the ride.

 

[miiila]

All hail, MacKing. It's nice, dear. Can I apply as a humble falcon hunter if I come into the hallowed forum halls sockless, and serve the blackest espresso anyone has ever seen, until someone invents a colour that's darker than black? Or was it hunt with falcons. Whatever. I hope everyone can see the King's new clothes, I meant, forum badge, so shiny 👑!

[mandyzines]

I just want to know what kind of coffee you drink. Mine doesn't have the same effect. I want wings or, better yet, a jet pack like you.

[damooch916]

22 minutes ago, mandyzines said:

I just want to know what kind of coffee you drink

All. 
All the coffee. 
 

But for a rare and straight forward answer: 

I drink fresh grind, David Lynch coffee (I’m not even joking), which is an organic offshoot of Allegro Coffee Company. It’s on the medium to lighter side because I prefer higher caffeine. I press the coffee myself - and sometimes alternate that with keurig pods (which boils down to time constraints). My pod preference is “Pike Place” because it translates better than other pods. I also use an automated espresso machine and normally drink the two at a one to one ratio.

For coffee I include just under one tablespoon of almond milk and a half packet of Splenda. Very little. For espresso I always drink it straight and quickly.

I never drink cold coffee, regardless of the circumstance or weather conditions.