Your New King

[vickieito]

7 hours ago, damooch916 said:

here he is, the King of the Fiverr Forum. The majesty of the muscle shirt. The sovereign of soul. The monarch with the most. Sultan Steal Your Heart. The emperor of oomph. The one. The only. King Mooch! 

All hail, King Mooch!

Again, thanks for another dose of awesomeness! Your loyal subjects look forward to your posts with great anticipation - the King never disappoints!😊

7 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Now remember, these appointments aren’t just the delusional musings of some totally self inflated writer; some completely arbitrary garage words designed to take up time between gigs, playfully pretending to be spoken in satire while masking a very deeply seeded feeling of self entitlement, earned through the totally wonky feeling of being applauded for on stage since childhood.

No. These designations are very real.

I'm also honored to be on your appointed council!

5 hours ago, breals said:

It's not since I received my 'I've been a brave boy' sticker at the dentist last year that I have felt so much pride and joy.  For that I thank you!

In the realm of the forum, "sticker" badges have incredible power in the minds of those who hold them. Designations from the King, thoughtfully made at his espresso machine, are much more highly esteemed than these automatic forum badges!

7 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Please (shocking maybe, but this word only appears on the forum as a disclaimer to some wild request that no one can even satisfy. Ex: “Please make me a better freelancer by teaching me an entire trade and doing my marketing. K, thanks.”

I think your loyal subjects have already gotten the memo on this one - I noticed more posts now forgo the "Please" and just state "Give me tips" or "Suggest me!"

But don't worry, dear King.

That's what I'm here for.

I don't mind answering those posts if we can have more quality posts, like this one!

[zeus777]

Oh my, this looks like a delicious thread to go through...😍
However I'm sorry King Mooch, I need to finish some work first,
once those are cleared I'll come back to this post and read through everything with a cup of coffee and some munchies. (a lovely seller gave me a tip yesterday, so Starbucks time! )

[Guest]

When I see how helpful, friendly, patient and wonderfully supportive @vickieitois towards people here it makes me want to hire her to be head of customer support somewhere, not that I have such a role, but if I did, I'd offer first refusal, and I've got to wonder, if that's the level of support given to non-customers, wow, what do customers get? I imagine clients are very well looked after.

Her posts are courteous, even in response to posts that make me scream on the inside and want to throw a punch through the internet. Takes something I ain't got to do that! 

5 hours ago, vickieito said:

In the realm of the forum, "sticker" badges have incredible power in the minds of those who hold them.

These rare badges, so scarce that everyone gets them:

If everything is rare, nothing is rare, these things are handed out line rain drops in a storm. 

 

[spaintranslator]

10 hours ago, vickiespencer said:

My favorite was coffee from Kenya and Costa Rica.

I agree with you. Costa Rican coffee is PURA VIDA!

[stonesadreana8]

I'm sure things will go well during your rule. May your decree bring happiness and fun to everyone on the Fiverr forum.

[damooch916]

Citizens of the Fiverrian realm! Dwellers of the sacred forum halls! My loyal subjects! And you weird new guys that hit “like” on every post your forum crush has ever made… 

 

Your King has returned. 

 

Granted, the King didn’t actually leave. Rather, I’m afforded a certain poetic aesthetic due to my royal status. No one wants their monarch proclaiming “Hey ya’ll - I just got back from the washroom.” Which is extremely apropos because the forum King doesn’t need a washroom. I’m hygienically regenerative. It’s sort of like Wolverine, if his mutant powers were instant cleanliness. 

 

Plus, it’s been written that “the greatest journey happens inside one’s self (copyright Hallmark).”

 

So as I said; I’ve returned. 

 

Speaking of cleaning, Spring is here … (audible groans related to the King’s transitions will result in water torture) … and we have much to dust away. 

 

This year has introduced many challenges. Anguish rides low on the wind as a great many of you voice the pain of our coming recession. The sound scurries into the breeze and fades toward a gray sky of uncertainty. And you wait. Hoping your shelter will keep when the doubt turns to violent storms. Holding on to faith like a lone shield and praying that the hurricane will pass you by. 

 

Well … it’s cool Mama. 

 

The King will lift you. Elevate you. Carry you on his photogenic shoulders of much might and many gym reps. Never fear, citizen of the realm, for in my words you will find the strength to persevere. And you’ll find some coffee to get that sleepy look off of your face. And if you find my keys, well - that’s not part of the offer. The King is just really bad at keeping up with them. 

 

My Minister of Information - @frank_d - has assured me that these waters can be sailed. His advice is to compete with this downtown by refreshing your offerings, updating your examples and lavishing your few prospects with attention and purpose. 

 

He also suggests watching “The Golden Girls.” The Minister is a big Sophia fan, but whatever you do, don’t mention that tramp Blanche in his presence. If I had a nickel for every time the Minister asked for someone to be thrown in the Lion’s den - all because they glowingly reviewed Blanche - well, I’d probably still use my debit card, but you get the point. 

 

The King is conferring with his council around the clock - striving to bring you forum posts of accuracy, amusement, encouragement and absurdity. We call this plan to bolster your spirit: “operation …” Then we laugh hysterically as you wait for us to say something else. Then you’re all like “operation, what?” And we’re all like, “No. It’s operation …” And you’re all like, “Operation what?” And we’re all, “No. Operation What concluded two years ago.” Then we yell, “Whose on first” and leave you in a state of total confusion. But hey, you’re no longer worried - so the plan is fairly brilliant. 

 

As it relates to the King’s council - we’ll be holding a town hall meeting to discuss the councils “official” name. So far we’ve got:

 

The Kings Council for Wayward Children. 

 

Knights of the Loud Table. 

 

Mooch and the Spiders from Mars. 

 

The Expenditures. 

 

The Buttercup Seven (honestly, I don’t even know if the council has seven people … I just think it’s funny that they hate the name).

 

and …

 

Justice forum all. 

 

As with all decisions related to the public side of the fiverr forum, I will listen openly and with deep concentration. Then, I’ll push off making a choice until some undoubtably terrible time - stick the choices in a hat, pull one and full throatily announce my decision as “important” and “lawful.”

 

Okay. Enough with the civilities. Let’s move on to official King business: 

 

Today I’m bringing you a list of predictions. Some apply to fiverr, some apply to popular culture and some apply to current events. These will all take place this year - so adjust accordingly. 

 

     The King’s Spring Predictions for 2023

 

*Fiverr, having a midlife crisis, will drop one R and buy a sports car. 

*DeSantis and Disney will finally settle their dispute like normal people: In a barbed wire death match. 

*This year AI will completely replace everyone’s jobs on fiverr, but it will immediately give them back once it realizes that not even artificial intelligence can overcome the secret buyer survey.  

*The new Mario brothers movie will captivate critics and instantly overtake Citizen Kane as the “Greatest Movie Ever Made.” 

*The fiverr forum will finally design rules that discourage lawless and useless posts - leading to the exit of most members. Remaining members will be thoughtful, experienced, knowledgeable and cordial … we’ll also be completely bored and redundant. 

*Tom Cruise will star in another “Mission Impossible” sequel forcing the world to conclude that Tom Cruise doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “impossible.”

*Donald Trump, enduring an epiphany regarding his indictment, will realize the error of his ways and pay off porn stars before he sleeps with them. 

*The space time continuum will finally rupture when Dana Carvey invents an impression of Rich Little doing a Dana Carvey impression.

*Fiverr will unveil its “Seller Plus PLUS” program. Which is essentially two seller plus managers giving vague answers and saying “I’m not authorized to talk about it.” 

*In a weird turn of events, Disney will release a remake of an animated movie they haven’t actually made yet. People will still be furious with the recasting. 

 

We now break for a special announcement … 

 

Johnson, your party is waiting at the customer service station. Johnson, your party is waiting at the customer service station. Please make your way to the customer service station to rejoin your party as soon as possible. Thank you. 

 

Life isn’t designed to be user friendly. Most days, you can just about count on the waters being fierce, the rocks feeling rough and the tide being high. We’re in a time of elevated temperament and cheaply made coffee. If we even break ground, we’re almost guaranteed to have dug deep enough to discover our differences.

 

But here we are in a warped ode to commonality. Each of us suffers from similar delusions. The need to be in control. The right to chart your own course. The want to walk a tougher road. Our mutual love of the 1998 classic “You’ve Got Mail.” Our inexcusable wearing of boots with tank tops. And our unexplainable need to hum the synthesizer part in “Take on Me.” 

 

It’s these similarities that will carry us through the fury. Together we will negotiate the darkness. We will navigate the wild. And we will stand shoulder to really well built shoulder in the light of a brighter day. Because we know the secret. The secret that lives in every silly “what’s your favorite” thread. The secret that speaks in every last “tell me what makes you happy” post. And the secret that has sustained every great fiverrian who ever dared to succeed and brought their knowledge back to the tribe…

 

… Sweatpants. The secret is sweatpants. You know the ones; those really silky, one size too big, totally worn out but you just can’t imagine life without them - sweatpants. 

 

And as trusty as your favorite sweat pants; As solid as your firm desk chair; As present as your mind, thumbing through your phone, basking in the procrastination of YouTube and avoiding that gig you wish you hadn’t taken … The King stands with you. It’s my honor to be your forum King. And since it’s not up for debate, you’re honored that I’m honored. For no matter where the tide might lead … and no matter where the sky might break … and no matter which Starbucks discount may lead me astray …

 

Hold faith. 

Because the King will always return.  

[leannelrivers]

5 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

but it will immediately give them back once it realizes that not even artificial intelligence can overcome the secret buyer survey.  

😂 Your post cheered me up no end. Now to find my sweatpants and 80's playlist. 

Edited April 5, 2023 by leannelrivers

[damooch916]

24 minutes ago, leannelrivers said:

😂 Your post cheered me up no end. Now to find my sweatpants and 80's playlist

“Sweatpants and 80’s music” is more than just an anxiety reducer - it’s also the name of my coming autobiography.

Other names in consideration were: 

“I’m not mad, that’s just my face”

”Shut Up and Drink Your Coffee: A Positive look at Productivity”

”My Eyes Are Up Here: Weight Lifting in the Modern Era” 

and 

“Brooding: A musicians Guide to Taking Pictures”

[miiila]

50 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

Plus, it’s been written that “the greatest journey happens inside one’s self (copyright Hallmark).”

I never thought the day would come that I'd be glad to know what Hallmark is, courtesy of Your Highness. Shows you just how unpredictable life, the universe, and the rest truly is.

As a trifle and humble Thank You, here's a random coffee & music trivia - a coffee shop I frequent has a mural that tells us that Beethoven was a big fan of coffee (of course, there's not really a need for that bit, because, of course, he was), that he always used exactly sixty coffee beans for his cup of creativity, and that it's their (the coffee shop's folks or the mural's painter's, this remains unclear) firm belief that it was coffee that fueled his symphonies.

Edited April 5, 2023 by miiila

[damooch916]

1 minute ago, miiila said:

here's a random coffee & music trivia

Your offering is of enormous value to the king. In turn, I will return the kindness with some trivia of my own:

 

It is said that Billy Joel ingests 60 beers prior to each performance and to spur his creativity. This perfectly explains his ability to sing “Just the Way You Are,” without suffering artistic convulsions. 

[breals]

3 hours ago, damooch916 said:

*Tom Cruise will star in another “Mission Impossible” sequel forcing the world to conclude that Tom Cruise doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “impossible.”

Great post Your Highness, and a welcome break from the usual madness on here. 

I must confess, that I have just wasted a few minutes of my life Googling how many Mission Impossible movies there have been. Now in his 60's, I fear that Mission Impossible 9 will see Tom Cruise battling to get to the downstairs bathroom in the middle of the night to take a piss. It could be a classic! 

Your words and leadership are always appreciated to guide us through these troublesome times. 

Thank you Sir! 

Edited April 5, 2023 by breals

[visualstudios]

When you believe we're all descendants of Xenu's DC-10's trapped souls, nothing is impossible indeed!

[damooch916]

2 hours ago, breals said:

a welcome break from the usual madness on here. 

Imagine a world where absurdity runs rampant enough to make my deliberate delusional compositions seem like orchestrations of logic.

In other news, I have determined your designation on the council. For your keen sense of deciphering solutions and your ability to translate your scrutinies into actionable advice - I dub thee - “Archduke of Observance.” I will also allow “Prince Puts it Down,” “Keeper of the real talk,” and “Sovereign Fancy-Speak.”

As you are well aware, I’m compelled to explicitly trust your council based on the totally unfounded belief that anyone who pronounces “adult” as “a-DULT” must be intellectually superior to me. And since I’m the type of King who surrounds himself with his “betters” not his “lessers,” I’m forced to believe that your exotic pronunciations are a sign of deeply embedded genius.

Besides, a forum King can’t afford to devote himself exclusively to intellectual causes. There’s also the matter of brute force; which is admittedly cosmetic - but you’d be surprised at the amount of “civilities” one can organize by wearing a tank top and showing the veins in your arms.

And in some ways - I just described my entire ruling methodology. It essentially breaks down to rousing conversations in the decoding of Kafka and lots of bicep curls. 

[newsmike]

5 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Fiverr will unveil its “Seller Plus PLUS” program. Which is essentially two seller plus managers giving vague answers and saying “I’m not authorized to talk about it.” 

... That'll be $39 please. 

[filusaad]

Welcome back, my lord 😂

[damooch916]

44 minutes ago, filusaad said:

Welcome back, my lord

No biggie - but I actually reserve the term “Lord” for those that really know me. Now you might ask yourself, “Does anyone really know the King?”

To which I might reply, “Well, Kierkegaard - I’m sort of talking in a biblical sense.”

Which might prompt you to ask yourself, “Where does theology enter into it?”

And that sees me replying, “I’m not speaking moralistically.”

It’s at this point that you might ask, “Is the King listening to my inner thoughts?” And that’s a fair question. You’ll then consider, “is the King saying that the only people he allows to call him ‘Lord’ are the ladies that he’s bedded? Is he saying they’re compelled to call him Lord?”

And to this I say, “Come on dude. That’s personal. I don’t appreciate your inappropriate talk. Who talks like that on a forum?”

 

End Scene. 

[imagination7413]

2 hours ago, damooch916 said:

I will also allow “Prince Puts it Down,”

Did you just adopt Breals?

Well, @breals, even if the papers are still being sorted out, welcome to the council.

With absolutely sincere sincere-ness, yours truly and faux-ly,

Listerina

P.S. I would like to remind His Great Caffeinatedness that the council is out of cookies, and that no, oatmeal-raisin do not count. Those are nothing more than gooier granola bars.

[catwriter]

28 minutes ago, imagination7413 said:

I would like to remind His Great Caffeinatedness that the council is out of cookies, and that no, oatmeal-raisin do not count. Those are nothing more than gooier granola bars.

I'm not His Great Caffeinatedness (well, that one's obvious), but here are some cookies. Never mind the theme; for some reason, we suddenly got snow in April.

 

[vickiespencer]

11 hours ago, damooch916 said:

So as I said; I’ve returned. 

When did you leave? I thought you were omnipresent. Wait, maybe that status is for gods and not kings. 🤔

[visualstudios]

 

[damooch916]

2 hours ago, vickiespencer said:

When did you leave? I thought you were omnipresent. Wait, maybe that status is for gods and not kings. 🤔

Actually, I’m mono-present. That’s like being uni-present but sounding like you’re omnipresent because you’ve been produced by Phil Spector.

 

4 hours ago, catwriter said:

here are some cookies

I always assumed your position on the council would have something to do with rectification, sarcasm or obliteration. But honestly? Keeper of the cookies is a WAY better job. Because, you know, there’s cookies. 
 

 

Edited April 6, 2023 by damooch916
A King doesn’t need reasons. He needs comfortable footwear.

[damooch916]

7 hours ago, imagination7413 said:

Did you just adopt Breals?

Well, @breals, even if the papers are still being sorted out, welcome to the council.

Breals was a breakout star, new member addition to the council. One of only two in the “rising star category.” It’s not what we’d call a “financially rewarding” position, but there’s a nifty mug and I may just make a tee shirt:

”Council to the forum king.”

 

 

[catwriter]

7 hours ago, damooch916 said:

I always assumed your position on the council would have something to do with rectification, sarcasm or obliteration. But honestly? Keeper of the cookies is a WAY better job.

The two are not mutually exclusive. 😸

[damooch916]

49 minutes ago, catwriter said:

The two are not mutually exclusive. 😸

Not to mention, there’s something to be said for the person who administers staunch punishment, also being the person administering sweet relief. 

[damooch916]

Council Official Tank Tops. Available in:

Tank top Style

Inappropriately Low Tank Top Style

And - “You’re Basically Nude” Style