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damooch916

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  • Birthday 01/01/1904

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  1. Freelancers do not want to talk about vacations. Got it.
  2. Let’s talk about your last vacation. I don’t take vacations. Hopefully I’ve conjured the image of myself as the consummate workaholic. Some studio dwelling brute; mangling the space of my recording studio and smearing my soul along the walls in a strange exorcism of suffering and conquest. But that’s not what I mean. Oh, I go on vacations. I just don’t get to take them once I get there. See, I’m one of these “parent” people. As any of us can tell you, once you’ve had kids, taking a vacation is more like training for the sixth level of hell at the Olympic level. Make no mistake: A global conspiracy has been enacted whereby children are instructed to reduce your vacation luxuriating through calculated methods of mind altering militia tactics. What did you think “Minecraft,” was, anyways? It’s communication with their “Defense Minister.” These little tyrants don’t even make their bed, you really thought they suddenly developed a deep appreciation for structural integrity? Despite this, parents are required to take our kids on one vacation annually. It’s in the parental handbook, the international best seller: ”So, You’re Tired of Sanity: A book for parents.” Taking your kids on vacation is like taking your dog to a five star restaurant and expecting good results because you’ve been teaching it “self awareness.” It’s 12 hours of passing museums and national icons to end up at a beach gift-shop fighting over a slinky that’s been marked up by 40 dollars. “No son, you’re not having a spiritual crisis - you’re four - you just really want that fidget spinner and you have an internal gps that only picks up on cheap items at inflated prices.” This was my last vacation. Tell me about your last vacation. Roadside attractions? Theme park? Did you finally visit that National park or stunning scenery? I’d love to hear about it. Because parents don’t have vacations. We have out of state McDonald’s visits and asking random strangers to remind us what vacation feels like.
  3. They are good tips. Did you know: The faster that you read information, especially when not allowing time for that information to process, the more useful it becomes? That’s totally true. Also: Did you realize that 9 out of 10 things you read are absolutely accurate. Those are numbers, thereby this statement is scientific. Also, if you read my entire post backwards, I reveal that Paul is dead.
  4. Don’t be dissuaded to use buyer request, especially when this parody aims directly at the overzealous attitude of the folks who tear down people aiming to feed themselves and gain experience. Most of them will read this satire as an indictment of the buyer request section itself… because they don’t own mirrors… and they wouldn’t have a reflection, even if they did.
  5. Well, awesome man. But if you really want fun, try out that “sending speedo pictures to your clients” thing. Yes, I realize that my post cautioned against it. This was entirely purposeful. The truth is - clients love speedo pictures. I just didn’t want my secret of success being duplicated. Open the dialogue with the picture. Include the message by saying, “all this could be yours - for a fee.” Then, once they’ve responded, assure them that you meant to send an image of your prices. Who knows, you could have a new client AND a new remote friend. That’s a win win. Please don’t really do this. Please.
  6. You should make sure to follow all of these rules. Print them. Keep them over you bed. Dress in them for holidays. Let them become you.
  7. No actual coffee drinker consumes foldgers. It’s just the pure hearted goodness of this commercial. I’ve had this song stuck in my head for thirty years. It’s not the 50’s, no matter what anyone would suggest. We all have access to well made espresso. The days of Nescafé are long gone.
  8. If you just wait around long enough, someone will inevitably “browse” this thread, pick up a few new habits and be right back here to beg for help. “Dears, I did exactly as this persons says. My buyer not invite me to birthday party and say insult about my speedos.”
  9. Yes, I’m well stocked on irony. I also offer: ill regard Frustration Off brand cola And I have an overstock on those weird silica bags for your shoes.
  10. Sadly this is true for many children. Except it’s not even tv now. It’s YouTube.
  11. The disproportionate value is equal to the apps that supposedly do those jobs. So your field has been decimated in freelance. That’s equal to “beat making” in music. Which literally means nothing to me. I keep my services human specific. Composing of true instrumentation for targeted purposes. I don’t get a lot of production teams, artists or businesses trying to low ball the market. Their first aim is to get it correct. But it’s definitely in the end phase.
  12. I’ve had plenty of success with the buyers request section. If anything, I’m parodying the behaviors of the folks who continually minimize their chances of success and then lash out at the mechanism itself. I realize that my field is entirely different than most. In a legitimate recording facility, the least you’d pay for time - much less session musicians - is 50 an hour … and that’s if you’ve been hoodwinked into believing the place has any credibility. So a lot of buyers (Not most, but a lot) are willing to pay decent flat rate prices because they understand the enormity of factors that goes into composing and song creation. I understand that other fields have it much worse.
  13. (Warning: This is a long post. If you are offended by long posts, or somehow blind to the irony of complaining about long posts - while shoving off to read three hours of short posts, then please refrain from engaging in it. We’ll live. Please be aware that the rest of us subscribe to governing our own actions. Plus, I’ll totally stuff you in a locker) Welcome to another exciting installment of my tutorial series, “Find And Keep Earning” (or F.A.K.E. for short). Today’s lesson is all about “Buyer’s Requests.” What is it? How does it make us money? Is it redeemable for Starbucks cards? Note: It is not redeemable for Starbucks cards. Starbucks has made this very clear to me. Persistence is not a virtue in this sense. They are very quick to alert the authorities. When we come back, we’re going to take a look at the absolute BEST tips to make money using Buyers Requests. But first, a word from our sponsors: And we’re back! If you’re like me, you’ve prepared yourself to have an incredible selling experience here on fiverr. You’ve started an account and created gigs. You’ve watched YouTube tutorials and practiced TOS violations. You’ve purchased apps that will automate the work you claim to “custom create.” You’ve created multiple gigs based on what’s popular, regardless of your real world skill. You’ve even started your very own “Why am I not getting sales” thread here at the forum…Good Job! But now what? Why aren’t you getting sales? Why isn’t there a thread in the fiverr forum that specifically addresses getting sales? What is that funky search function and how is it your job to study the website that you’re using just to make money on? Let’s be honest; you shouldn’t have to work yourself, just because you work for yourself. Plus! The metrics can be overwhelming… Did you know that a staggering 98 percent of sellers NEVER get one sale while wearing polka dotted shirts featuring a David Lynch character?(*) *This statement has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration. Or by fiverr technically. As a preventive measure to low sales, fiverr has “The Buyer’s Request” section. Buyers Request: Buyers Request is a virtual “pin up” board where, depending on your service and “tag” words, you’ll see a variety of buyers looking for services in your specific field; all willing to lower the existing median value of that field and ultimately readying your vocation for the app that will soon replace it. You’re part of the tech revolution! Hooray! (Also, I’m actually Mooch’s virtual assistant. These bits became predictable years ago and virtually, any app can do this guy’s routine. See that pun? Seriously, this isn’t a comprehensive algorithm). To the seller, Buyer’s Request is the perfect opportunity to refer to yourself as a professional (after all, you have a table and a coffee maker), undercut the market value of your peers, practice short and programmed phrases and execute unlimited revisions for little to no pay. Smell that? It’s money (or its a weird cheese). Many blogs, videos and *award winning books have been written on the topic of “Succeeding in The Fiverr Buyer Requests Section,” many of them by me. *Golden Collar Awards , “Best Non-Canine Book” award winner 2017 for the non-fiction classic, “Buyers Requests, Morons and You (and maybe not in that order) by MoocH” But, let’s face it, it’s a lot to unpack. Approaching buyers and making a bid is as much an art form as the service you provide. For this reason, I have condensed the whole process into FIVE easy tips. But be warned: these tips are not for inexperienced sellers. Common wisdom suggests that it takes ten hours to master any task (I think that’s how it goes, I didn’t listen). Please be advised, you hold fiverr, fiverr forum and the fiverrian community without fault for using these tips and metamorphosing into the enormous baller that you always meant to be. (Note: While financial reward, lifestyle changes and statistical growth is not guaranteed - you agree to hold Mooch harmless for any unplanned offspring, manic behaviors by the gender of your choice, proclivities to items of expensive taste or attitude changes of unusual awesomeness that you may experience by imitating these, or any other characteristics that you’ve developed by enacting my methodologies. Likewise you will not engage in any legal action for any bodily harm that may result from following my coffee diet) Tips: Answer Every Single Buyer’s Request in your Field (or that you see)Here’s the thing, with buyer’s requests limited to bidding on only ten jobs per day, it’s going to be important to answer the first ten you see, as quickly as possible. Customers want sellers who are sure of their skill set. Even better is to be so sure of that skill set, that you bid for jobs that may not be in your skill set. For this reason, we’re going to include the question, “What’s your problem,” at the beginning of each buyers request submission statement. POWER TIP: If you’ve applied for a job that you’re unfamiliar with, feel free to message other sellers and ask for free help. Mention the secret phrase and they will be happy to do some work for you. The phrase is, “Hey, I just started doing that easy junk you call a job.” So what if graphic design is kinda different from fashion design? Your customer didn’t really need a new shirt anyways, but who amongst us can live without a good car flier? Just bid. Have confidence! According to the “New York Post,” women rate “confidence” as being the number 6 most necessary attribute in another person. With number 1 being kindness. My aim is to make you so confident that you disregard the previous five and ultimately stop reading statistics. Sending buyers unsolicited, unverified claims, in fields you may not be suited to work in, shows the type of “go getter” attitude necessary to compete in a modern freelance environment. Alternatively, it also fills the requirements to be a lead singer in a rock bad. Offer Descriptions: Fake it till you Fake itOnce you’ve established that you’re definitely right for a customers job (by being awake), it’s time to introduce this customer to the awesome opportunity that awaits them. In each bid, sellers will offer descriptions of their service and reason for contacting the buyer. We call this the “self inflation” phase. It is highly recommended that you not be yourself when addressing a potential client. Quite frankly, we’ve seen you. You’re okay (a little softer since we saw you last). It’s just that, another you would be better for the task. We still want to be friends (We don’t, actually want to be friends. We want to divide friends and make it weird when we see each other in public). No one ever said self promotion had to be done yourself. Any self will do, preferably a self with a strong presence, ruthless aggression and less cologne. To illustrate this, say at least one of the following phrases: I’m hella good at this job. Lucky you.I don’t wanna say I’m a genius. That’s your job.Trust me, I don’t need experience to handle this garbage pile.I love my job. That’s why I don’t value your money.Customers are hammered with 100’s of responses for every request. It’s important to stand out. Here are some common “do’s” and “donts.” Do: Tell your potential client that you’ll patronize their insulting budget because “the fridge is in a beer deficit.” Don’t: Ask questions to the client without emphasizing the rhetorical nature of your language. Ex: “You think I want this job? I’ve got Amazon Prime, Bucko. You got ten minutes to accept my offer or it’s down the “B Movie” rabbit hole we go.” Do: Ask qualifying questions to your customer: Is this job gonna be a pain? Are you gonna be one of those “progress people?” Does time really matter? What is time even really, man? Can you extended the order by a few weeks? Would you be comfortable with getting a reused delivered work? Don’t: Pretend that you “like” them. That’s clingy. No one likes a smotherer (is it smotherer… smotherer-er? Well, whatever. Back it on up, Yoko.) We’ll revisit this later in our “wait three days to respond” tutorial. Time ManagementThe trick to time management is management. It says it right in the phrase. It’s every good manager’s job to tell people what to do, keep rewards slightly out of reach and use wish fulfillment to torment your enemies (employees) into complete servitude. Customers don’t have all day. They will appreciate short, pre-written, one size fits all approaches to handling their “specific” request. Say non-descriptive statements like: I will complete your totally specific task quickly, with my many years of knowledge in the area that your request is about, that I totally read and can guarantee 100 percent satisfaction of something that may be task related, not exclusive to tasks of this type but in general. You’re welcome. Now you’re on the right track! POWER TIP: Create at least ten prewritten messages that can be easily fit any situation. The language doesn’t really matter - but make sure to address your client in a vague manner. These non committal names may include: Skip Pal Captain Sally Jessy Clientele Needy-Pants Muffin lover And “you there” Do NOT however - use the term “dear.” Unless, of course, they get really saucy. Offer to do it for Less:Freelancing is hard. There’s tracking down and copying descriptions, finding the perfect image to misrepresent yourself, finding copyright free work to present as your own and like, ten whole minutes of reading a blog to master. That’s a lot! The last thing you need is to be bothered by “market standards” or “fair compensation” or “having a job.” You’re here to put the “play” in “marketplace (because spelling is overrated).” You need a sure fire way to grab a customers attention. Hot Tip: While Speedo’s are certainly eye catching, here at Mooch Enterprises - our extensive research and development team has paid many a legal fee to erase the effects of unsolicited Speedo picture sending. It’s an easy mistake to make, but better left untested. To the average consumer, nothing says “I’ll do my best,” like a seller who undervalues their own service. After all, this platform is called “fiverr” and most of you are worth almost every penny. But why stop there? Why ask for money, when you can not ask for money? You’ve worked hard. You deserve a chance to show the client that the “love” for the work you do is far more important than your landlord’s unreasonable “consistency” demands. Besides, with a little teary eye’d action, I’m sure your energy provider will totally understand and accept your “love” as payment. Clarification: By “love” I am referring to dedication. Please do not attempt to offer “love” to your bill providers. To express this personal dedication, offer to perform your potential buyer’s request for free. As a token of your appreciation, perhaps you can throw in a keychain. Or one of those foam hands. Or a Stone Cold Steve Austin shirt from 1998. This level of effort will keep your buyer returning to you. If life has taught us anything it’s that, the best relationships can be evaluated by how much you’ve spent. Unlimited RevisionsA true artist knows that their work is never done. Why spend your time specifying outcomes, agreeing on examples, checking reference work or obtaining mini confirmations on your progress, when the work is always subject to change? Attempting to create an order exactly as the customer intended is lazy. It’s also not very fun. How do they know they didn’t want your professional voiceover to be performed in the voice of “Animal” until you deliver it? Deliveries are the perfect time to “just try some stuff.” You’re not a psychic (unless you literally are a psychic … in which case, unlimited revisions definitely don’t apply to you because you have zero excuse), you can’t know what the customer wants until you’ve tried a bunch of stuff they don’t want. Note: Asking customers to clarify looks unprofessional. Most customers will expect you to know what they want better than they do. After all, you’re the professional. *Statistic based on sample poll calls. Mostly incoming calls. Almost exclusively spam calls. They stopped calling. Offering unlimited revisions is the best way to tell your customer, “hey, I’m not here to write your biography, so just take this blog I made about the spirituality of the ninja turtles and apply it to your real estate business. We can start there. Cowabunga." There are many great reasons to offer unlimited revisions. A few of them might be: To impress your client with total dedication. To get out of weekly grocery shopping. Because raising kids is hard, you’ve seen them enough this week and besides they have a tv. Your client understands the value of your time. Unlimited revisions gives you the chance to really invest in one another. After a while, you may even develop pet names or get in the habit of telling each other bed time stories. Only then will your revisions be truly unlimited. By using these five methods, you will make an instant impact and be well on the way to taking the “Buyer’s Request” section by storm. Please remember to post all of your results here in the fiverr forum. Also, don’t be persuaded to change direction if buyers seem disinterested. Buyers are notorious for their dry sense of humor. They may say things like, “please stop messaging me,” or “I’m going to contact customer service if your behavior doesn’t change,” or “I told you to stop sending me pictures of your tongue.” This is all part of what we call the “romance phase.” Buyers drive a hard bargain, but they’ll respect your persistence and it will be something to talk about at your birthday events. This concludes this portion of our series. Be on the look out for the next section where we tackle “Amazing messaging practices to get the sell.” Features of that series include: “The art of giving a back handed compliment with your palm.” “Insulting someone from the heart.” And “When is the right time to talk about a client’s personal bedroom habits” (Spoiler: it’s always the right time) Until then, happy selling to ya, skippy. Mod Note: The views and opinions of Damooch916 are not necessarily views and opinions. We’re pretty positive that they’re more like mass delusions brought on by years of taking amplifiers to the head. Don’t do anything that guy said. He’s clearly not okay. We’ve contemplated removing him multiple times, but he keeps sending a well dressed, middle aged, unsmiling and hardened man named Vinno to our corporate offices with gift baskets. We’re not sure if this is misguided niceness or a threat. Until further investigations are concluded, please do not engage damooch916 in an aggressive manner. Actual Note: If you made it this far - I’m going to first congratulate you. There’s no reward or anything, I’m just glad you did. Obviously this is parody. Sadly, I have to clarify that - as undoubtedly, some kid will be irate when his tongue picture gets his account banned. Please don’t send people a picture of your tongue. Unless it does something extraordinary like - plays full chords on the piano or changes colors by itself. Thank you for playing along and patronizing a thread that actually took a few minutes from your day.
  14. Provided that the program is still finding it’s legs, I’m really enjoying the correspondence between the rep and myself. We’re having more of a writers room/incubation form of attacking ideas. Plenty of value in the exclusive content. Depending on your professional expertise, you’ll probably run into a lot content that you’ve utilized for years - but the variety is wide ranging - which allows for diverse tips. I’m not positive what we’re allowed to discuss beyond that, but the latest perks are definitely positive measures. I’m also really digging the free restaurant vouchers and “Grab a drink Thursday.” I may have made those last parts up. Edit: Also, the platform’s numbers were impacted as a whole, in the past few weeks. Relaxed quarantines, warmer temperatures and children’s school vacations probably all contribute to this phenomena. They’re on it.
  15. I ignore new sellers for really great reasons. Firstly, there’s the new seller smell. You know what I mean? It’s that weird combination of day old sweatpants, tea and hand perspiration. It’s the worst. Second, I can’t stand the new seller weirdness. They’re always walking around, asking where the classes are, totally acting bug eyed and not knowing who is, like, so cool. Also, I’m sorta locked into a “mean girls” phase right now. By simple virtue of the fact that new is yucky and I refuse to stop saying, “Get in loser, we’re going buyer requesting.”
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