Jump to content

The Forum King’s New Rules for 2023


Recommended Posts

Distinguished fellowship. Loyal followers. Lowly servants. You weirdos from the “Audio” section:

 

I speak to you today with wild eyed possibility and side eyed hope. I come to you here - not as your barrel chested, dreamy gazed King - but as one of you. For through this Kingdom runs the waters of endless aspiration, all leading into our mighty forum river. 

 

As we embark upon a new year, we lift our focus upwardly. We hold our backs firm. We grip our office chairs ever tighter and we ask, “did these sweat pants shrink?

 

That’s not shrinkage. That’s the expansion of potential. 

 

As you move forth, braving the hazard and facing the shrewd storm - you may ask, “dude are you really doing this King bit again?

 

And I may reply, “Damn right I am, this bit is money.”

 

And you offer, “I don’t know. Are you gonna do all those forum rules jokes?

 

And I’m all, “Yes. I am. You’ll eat it and you’ll like it.”

 

And you go, “You’re not really the King of the forum, Tommy.”

 

And I’m like, “Actually, I am. And your words are treasonous. I sentence you to two years of responding to “why did my ranking position move” threads and a diet of off brand gruel.”

 

And since you’re so curious, you ask - “How can gruel be off brand?”

 

And I quickly submit, “Let’s imagine a lumpy concoction of stale oats, used tuna, burnt rice and a rotten lemon for flavoring. Now imagine, I add any microwave meal from your grocer and stir that with a big spoon. Thing is, your grocer is Walmart. Plus, those aren’t oats. That’s off brand gruel. It’s fearsome stuff. I once had a brother-in-law attempt to survive entirely from off brand gruel in an attempt to build an esophageal immunity. And that’s the story of how I no longer have a brother-in-law.”  

 

But of course by this point, my henchmen have apprehended you from the comfort of your own office and it’s during this event when you silently determine, “I guess there really is a King of the fiverr forum.” 

 

Anyhoo. Beyond that, you may also be thinking, “King, please honor us with this years new rules, so that we may prosper in a way that will honor you and pour many riches upon our blessed Kingdom.

 

Since you’ve hypothetically asked so nicely- here are the 2023 “Forum Rules as decreed by King Mooch:”

 

1. We will no longer ask for the return of the buyers request section. 

 

Asking for the buyers request section to replace the brief matching feature is like leaving your predictable husband for the local kidnapper. Spontaneity has its place, but stability has a much nicer one. 

 

2. We will no longer respond to “Help me market” threads.

 

Scratch that. We will now ONLY respond to marketing threads with one line of a Billy Joel song. Each forum enthusiast will contribute a line in its proper order. We will continue until the song is complete, at which time, we will perform another. Give or take, it should be about as entertaining as watching an actual Billy Joel concert.

 

3. We will all get down on the good foot

 

Anyone caught getting up on the good foot will report to Human Resources (it’s a guy with meat hook). Getting up is strictly prohibited unless it’s directly linked to “off of that thang.” Likewise, getting down on a foot that hasn’t passed an intense quality assurance test will result in immediate suspension. Also, please submit proper paper work if you intend to “jump back and kiss yourself.”   

 

4. All “What’s your favorite” threads must now be approved in advance. 

 

Most “favorite” threads begin as an experiment in community building and descend into itemized accounts of horrific taste. But there are exceptions. Examples include: “What’s your favorite picture of a neighbor that you took while they weren’t looking and how did you break into their bedroom?” And “What’s your favorite 80’s song while dancing bottomless (The answer is “Take on Me” by A-Ha)?” Those threads need no prior approval. 

 

5.  We will all stay in our own lane. 

 

Face it, no one wants me posting “ten steps to better yoga while freelancing” threads. When you come to a Mooch thread, you have expectations. Snark. Harsh images. Caffeine. Cut throat realism masking as a humorist’s flu symptoms. And by God, there will be tank tops (I do this for you). 

 

Theoretically, you’re a creative type. It’s your job to investigate and find a hole to fill with your unique voice. Our voices are taken. Your problem is that you can’t find the hole. Which is always a worse event for the companion than it is for the offender. So please, spare us the awkwardness and just ask. 

 

6.  Fiverr Forum violations now include stupid hats. 

 

Few things in life are as unforgivable as a bad hat. Sure, it’s annoying when 1000’s of people join hands in a choir of desperation and sing “please don’t ban us for our fraudulent activity.” But now, imagine those same people in bad fedoras. Clearly one is ban worthy, but the other is a threat to humanity

 

7.  The Fiverr Forum National Anthem is now “It’s a Shame” by The Spinners

 

As is tradition, you will honor this testament to our noble homeland by gyrating and simulating naughtiness. 

 

8.  We will no longer use badges. 

 

We will now use “refrigerator stars.” Positive behaviors will be rewarded by sticking one star to your “star chart” located in my kitchen. Five stars will get you a treat. Bad behaviors will result in the removal of one star. 

 

I literally just explained the validity of our badge system. 

 

9.  Parody lists will no longer be required to have ten items

 

In fact (and this has nothing to do with general laziness, being over trained or running low on material mind you) I’m completely abolishing the number ten. Ten is a man made construct intended to co-opt your true identity and forcibly wills you into cataloging aspirations that prevent your ability to singularly focus. Plus, ten is smug. It’s all, “I’ve got another digit, so I’m better. I’m pretty.” That’s precisely the type of arrogance that won’t be tolerated in this kingdom. Plus, it’s gimmick infringement. I’ve been doing the conceded “pretty” routine here for a decade. So that’s it. Ten is hereby excommunicated from the forum. Anyone caught using the number ten, speaking to the number ten, or having ten of anything in plain sight - will face the hounds. 

 

Ahem. 

 

People of this great realm; we go mightily into another year standing unafraid, undeterred and at the exclusion of the Oxford comma. 

 

We gather our hopes and sharpen our skills. We polish the dreams that shine so vividly in the basement of our imaginations. We will walk firm. Because we know. We know there is a place where all who dare for greatness are welcome. We know there is a place where the arms of reason spread wide and take you into the embrace you’ve always longed for. We know there is a place where no question is too small. No advice too big. No chance too risk woven. A place that you can call your “home.” A place where the newest entrant can feel the respect of their elders. You, new community member, are the true hero of our beautiful place. For it is you that will take your rightful place beside us and be one with the people you have always longed to become. 

 

All you have to do is send 19.99 to my personal inbox and you can receive your “Forum accepted” status.

 

That’s right, new member! I’ve slashed the prices for our new year special and made it incredibly easy to sign up! But don’t wait, supplies are running out. Message me with your payment of 19.99 and receive all the warm respect that all the long standing members have. Imagine, they all paid the rate at a much higher fee - but not you, beautiful snowflake. So hurry fast! Spaces are extremely limited and once they’re gone, they’re gone. Message me your one time payment of 19.99 and reserve your spot today! 

  • Like 14
  • Haha 10
Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

2. We will no longer respond to “Help me market” threads.

 

Scratch that. We will now ONLY respond to marketing threads with one line of a Billy Joel song. Each forum enthusiast will contribute a line in its proper order. We will continue until the song is complete, at which time, we will perform another. Give or take, it should be about as entertaining as watching an actual Billy Joel concert.

Finally. Finally. Finally, all the years of following the good old "Be patience" forum tip&trick will come to fruition, and I can make good use of my valuable 7th grade skill of being able to quote Downeaster Alexa, in its entirety, by heart (don't ask why), to rank my Gig. It will rank my Gig, right? Right?!

All hail, MacMooch, and all praise, as well as forum batches, badgers, and badges be thine for having bestowed these kingly rules upon this otherwise far too mundane and nonsensical forum full of court jesters, which inexplicably still makes it more tear and facepalm inspiring than it makes you laugh. Although it does that, too.

A happy and healthy new year to all and any forumites. 🐞

  • Like 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Distinguished fellowship. Loyal followers. Lowly servants. You weirdos from the “Audio” section:

 

I speak to you today with wild eyed possibility and side eyed hope. I come to you here - not as your barrel chested, dreamy gazed King - but as one of you. For through this Kingdom runs the waters of endless aspiration, all leading into our mighty forum river. 

 

As we embark upon a new year, we lift our focus upwardly. We hold our backs firm. We grip our office chairs ever tighter and we ask, “did these sweat pants shrink?

 

That’s not shrinkage. That’s the expansion of potential. 

 

As you move forth, braving the hazard and facing the shrewd storm - you may ask, “dude are you really doing this King bit again?

 

And I may reply, “Damn right I am, this bit is money.”

 

And you offer, “I don’t know. Are you gonna do all those forum rules jokes?

 

And I’m all, “Yes. I am. You’ll eat it and you’ll like it.”

 

And you go, “You’re not really the King of the forum, Tommy.”

 

And I’m like, “Actually, I am. And your words are treasonous. I sentence you to two years of responding to “why did my ranking position move” threads and a diet of off brand gruel.”

 

And since you’re so curious, you ask - “How can gruel be off brand?”

 

And I quickly submit, “Let’s imagine a lumpy concoction of stale oats, used tuna, burnt rice and a rotten lemon for flavoring. Now imagine, I add any microwave meal from your grocer and stir that with a big spoon. Thing is, your grocer is Walmart. Plus, those aren’t oats. That’s off brand gruel. It’s fearsome stuff. I once had a brother-in-law attempt to survive entirely from off brand gruel in an attempt to build an esophageal immunity. And that’s the story of how I no longer have a brother-in-law.”  

 

But of course by this point, my henchmen have apprehended you from the comfort of your own office and it’s during this event when you silently determine, “I guess there really is a King of the fiverr forum.” 

 

Anyhoo. Beyond that, you may also be thinking, “King, please honor us with this years new rules, so that we may prosper in a way that will honor you and pour many riches upon our blessed Kingdom.

 

Since you’ve hypothetically asked so nicely- here are the 2023 “Forum Rules as decreed by King Mooch:”

 

1. We will no longer ask for the return of the buyers request section. 

 

Asking for the buyers request section to replace the brief matching feature is like leaving your predictable husband for the local kidnapper. Spontaneity has its place, but stability has a much nicer one. 

 

2. We will no longer respond to “Help me market” threads.

 

Scratch that. We will now ONLY respond to marketing threads with one line of a Billy Joel song. Each forum enthusiast will contribute a line in its proper order. We will continue until the song is complete, at which time, we will perform another. Give or take, it should be about as entertaining as watching an actual Billy Joel concert.

 

3. We will all get down on the good foot

 

Anyone caught getting up on the good foot will report to Human Resources (it’s a guy with meat hook). Getting up is strictly prohibited unless it’s directly linked to “off of that thang.” Likewise, getting down on a foot that hasn’t passed an intense quality assurance test will result in immediate suspension. Also, please submit proper paper work if you intend to “jump back and kiss yourself.”   

 

4. All “What’s your favorite” threads must now be approved in advance. 

 

Most “favorite” threads begin as an experiment in community building and descend into itemized accounts of horrific taste. But there are exceptions. Examples include: “What’s your favorite picture of a neighbor that you took while they weren’t looking and how did you break into their bedroom?” And “What’s your favorite 80’s song while dancing bottomless (The answer is “Take on Me” by A-Ha)?” Those threads need no prior approval. 

 

5.  We will all stay in our own lane. 

 

Face it, no one wants me posting “ten steps to better yoga while freelancing” threads. When you come to a Mooch thread, you have expectations. Snark. Harsh images. Caffeine. Cut throat realism masking as a humorist’s flu symptoms. And by God, there will be tank tops (I do this for you). 

 

Theoretically, you’re a creative type. It’s your job to investigate and find a hole to fill with your unique voice. Our voices are taken. Your problem is that you can’t find the hole. Which is always a worse event for the companion than it is for the offender. So please, spare us the awkwardness and just ask. 

 

6.  Fiverr Forum violations now include stupid hats. 

 

Few things in life are as unforgivable as a bad hat. Sure, it’s annoying when 1000’s of people join hands in a choir of desperation and sing “please don’t ban us for our fraudulent activity.” But now, imagine those same people in bad fedoras. Clearly one is ban worthy, but the other is a threat to humanity

 

7.  The Fiverr Forum National Anthem is now “It’s a Shame” by The Spinners

 

As is tradition, you will honor this testament to our noble homeland by gyrating and simulating naughtiness. 

 

8.  We will no longer use badges. 

 

We will now use “refrigerator stars.” Positive behaviors will be rewarded by sticking one star to your “star chart” located in my kitchen. Five stars will get you a treat. Bad behaviors will result in the removal of one star. 

 

I literally just explained the validity of our badge system. 

 

9.  Parody lists will no longer be required to have ten items

 

In fact (and this has nothing to do with general laziness, being over trained or running low on material mind you) I’m completely abolishing the number ten. Ten is a man made construct intended to co-opt your true identity and forcibly wills you into cataloging aspirations that prevent your ability to singularly focus. Plus, ten is smug. It’s all, “I’ve got another digit, so I’m better. I’m pretty.” That’s precisely the type of arrogance that won’t be tolerated in this kingdom. Plus, it’s gimmick infringement. I’ve been doing the conceded “pretty” routine here for a decade. So that’s it. Ten is hereby excommunicated from the forum. Anyone caught using the number ten, speaking to the number ten, or having ten of anything in plain sight - will face the hounds. 

 

Ahem. 

 

People of this great realm; we go mightily into another year standing unafraid, undeterred and at the exclusion of the Oxford comma. 

 

We gather our hopes and sharpen our skills. We polish the dreams that shine so vividly in the basement of our imaginations. We will walk firm. Because we know. We know there is a place where all who dare for greatness are welcome. We know there is a place where the arms of reason spread wide and take you into the embrace you’ve always longed for. We know there is a place where no question is too small. No advice too big. No chance too risk woven. A place that you can call your “home.” A place where the newest entrant can feel the respect of their elders. You, new community member, are the true hero of our beautiful place. For it is you that will take your rightful place beside us and be one with the people you have always longed to become. 

 

All you have to do is send 19.99 to my personal inbox and you can receive your “Forum accepted” status.

 

That’s right, new member! I’ve slashed the prices for our new year special and made it incredibly easy to sign up! But don’t wait, supplies are running out. Message me with your payment of 19.99 and receive all the warm respect that all the long standing members have. Imagine, they all paid the rate at a much higher fee - but not you, beautiful snowflake. So hurry fast! Spaces are extremely limited and once they’re gone, they’re gone. Message me your one time payment of 19.99 and reserve your spot today! 

Leave a tender moment alone...  And how to rank gig?

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, damooch916 said:

That’s not shrinkage. That’s the expansion of potential

I still need my potential to stay in my pants 😅 

I feel that this post is not getting deserved attention with all this drama that keeps unfolding 

  • Like 3
  • Haha 1
  • Up 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 1/3/2023 at 1:35 PM, mariashtelle1 said:

I feel that this post is not getting deserved attention

Well.

My intention was to respond to this. More than likely it would have been a bit. Something about folks not understanding how to properly read my threads and then providing a list of things it requires to “understand” a Mooch post. Steps would have included: drinking four shots of espresso, properly stocking your closet with similarly appearing tank tops, practicing your best “Prince side eye after playing a guitar solo” face in the mirror and other such insanity.

Then, in the fit of a dark dream, I was pulled into the heinous world of “revision hell.” Revision hell is just like regular hell, except the management has more expectations and the atmosphere isn't as pleasant.

Its not something that happens often. I’m one of those sellers who firmly believes in pricing the timid out of the market. But annually, an international society of sick spirited hooligans gather together and devise plans to arbitrate the success of highly rated, top shelf sellers. Their plans are carefully made traps of mind mazes and babble speak. They aim to zap your weekly finances by asking you to make unbelievably bad changes to your otherwise “good” deliveries. It starts simply: 

“I need a classic rock song.”

But then the correspondence mutates. Twisting and shifting until it emerges as a ghastly beast. That’s when the revisions begin: 

“It’s okay, but what if it was an AC/DC song as performed by an accordion? Can you please make it polka instead?”

Thats when the migraines start. Blood boils and weeps from your hardened sockets. Your bones stiffen. Your breath turns to low whimpers.

”Now that I’m hearing it, polka isn’t right. But what if it was like Sinatra meets Wu-Tang clan?”

Your skin ticks in restrained blood lust. You plead with yourself, “I don’t offer revisions…” but that’s the game. You’re a hostage - forced to choose between your hard fought metrics and the preserving of your very soul. Until your hope dims like consciousness to a lullaby. It’s only then, with your eyes closed tightly and your strength spilled out around you, when you finally see the cage that you’re encased in. And by then, you couldn’t move even if you wanted to. 

In any case, that’s where I’ve been.

 
Hope all is well. I’ll see you all soon.

I think. 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 1/3/2023 at 7:54 PM, damooch916 said:

The Fiverr Forum National Anthem is now “It’s a Shame” by The Spinners

I hate to admit it, but I don't think I know the song. At least the name of the song ain't ringing any bells.
I'll check Youtube during my break 😅

 

BTW Happy New Year, my dear King! ( is it OK to use the word "dear" like that? 😜)

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 1/3/2023 at 5:54 AM, damooch916 said:

We gather our hopes and sharpen our skills. We polish the dreams that shine so vividly in the basement of our imaginations. We will walk firm. Because we know. We know there is a place where all who dare for greatness are welcome. We know there is a place where the arms of reason spread wide and take you into the embrace you’ve always longed for. We know there is a place where no question is too small. No advice too big. No chance too risk woven. A place that you can call your “home.”

Shhhh...

As one of his highness's council, I must remind his non-merciful Grace that: Rule number one of Fight Club....

Oh, you're not talking about That Place?

I beg you find pity in your caffinated heart; forgive my egregious assumption, your great excellence of refrigerator stickers. 

  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...