A day in the life of a freelancer with anxiety

[katakatica]

(well, here it is. Please be kind. I want this topic to open up a conversation so you don't have to focus on the contents themselves. Just know that at least a few of us are here to listen/talk.)

 

6 AM

I wake up for the first time. I know that I'll go back to sleep in a bit, but now that I'm awake, even if barely, I check my phone. Sleep can wait. 

A revision request? 

But why? 

Ah. Nothing serious; they just asked to add an extra line somewhere. They won't leave a bad review because it was missing, right? I need to be more careful.

So they didn't hate what I wrote. Good. 

Wait... did they?

Are they just being nice? 

No, come on. They aren't...

Right?

I can't get to my laptop yet; it's a bit too early, but... I can at least shoot them a message so they know I'm not going to forget about them. 

Come on, Kata, let's go back to bed for now. 

9:30 AM

Oh. A new message. Let's just take a look at that on the laptop - looks like it'll take a while to type a proper reply. 

I don't really have more time this week, but what if their order is urgent? 

Come on; it's OK to just ask them about a deadline. 

Cool, message sent. 

Let's get down to writing. 

1:00 PM

Lunch.

Just make sure there are no unreplied messages or anything that might need to get down sooner. Okay, looks like there's nothin-

Wait.

Why did that person just accept the order but not leave a review? 

Did I do something wrong? 

DId I - 

I bet they are just busy, but what if that's not all?

I can already feel the panic building up in my stomach. Okay, no, let's try to ignore that. Food is more important, and then a bit of a break. 

3:30 PM

I have a meeting.

I dread them, even though they tend to go just fine. Sometimes, I can't read people. Or I get too excited. Perhaps too firm? 

Was I too firm today? 

I need to set limits. I know that my writing is worth what I'm paid for it, but potential clients often make me feel like it's not. 

Just 500 words left to write, and then I can rest up. It's not even due this week, but I did promise that I'll try to deliver early. 

I wish I hadn't, but they seemed to be in a rush.

But I need to tinker with this and that, and of course, I have other orders in the queue; maybe I could get started with those? 

No, I really need a break.

5:00 PM

Time to get cooking. I need my phone for the recipe, which means that I'll be looking at it every two minutes. What if I get a bad review? Or what if I get a new message and- 

Okay, stop there. 

Cooking is fun, so just focus on it. 

2:00 AM

A new message? 

I'm trying to sleep. It's too hot...too cold. Too everything.

Maybe I can reply to this message. Can I sneak over to my laptop without rousing my partner? No, there's no way. 

Ok, so let's just answer in the ap.

CRAP.

A typo.

I'm a writer. I shouldn't make so many of them, but the screen is so tiny, and I can barely see it. Where are my glasses? 

Great, they are in the living room. 

Come on, just go and fetch them. Or not. 

Ow. I'm clenching my teeth again. I need to relax, but how? I wish I had a magic spell that'd help with it...

Apology for the typo sent and...

Just put the phone away and sleep, seriously. 

3:00 AM

Why did I have to wake up just now? I'm so thirsty...

Ignore the phone... ignore the phone...

A spam message? Or is it just a new profile?

Just...respond quickly.

How can I help you? 

 

 

 

Note: the above IS not 100% accurate, but based on real life, though it definitely doesn't truly explain how BAD it can get. I focused on work-related things, but of course, anxiety isn't just work-related. There is so much more to it. I'm usually very confident in my writing, but my anxiety isn't. It's truly the funniest thing sometimes (but let's not go too deep into that.)

As a freelancer, the lack of stability can truly mess with us (and so can many other factors. )

So... how are you guys feeling? How's the winter (or summer in some places treating you?) Is there anything you'd like to share? 

Know that my inbox is always open x3 Life is tough, but we are tougher! 

 

[vibronx]

Thank you so much for posting this, @katakatica! Beautifully written. I gotta say I really identify with this. As freelancers, we can often be alone a lot and not have many people around us who truly understand what it takes to be a freelancer. So, you can feel lonely, isolated, and anxious. And that's okay. But it's also important to find a place to voice those feelings. Or a person to do it to. At least, it's important to speak these feelings aloud, so they don't fester inside and turn into something worse. I have a tendency to keep things in and not share them. So, I do get lonely and anxious, and whatever other bad feelings might pop up. 

On the Fiverr Forum, we are among other freelancers, so maybe it could be something we could do more. Talk about mental health.

I went through a crazy series of unfortunate events that pushed me to my very limit and a bit beyond that, too. It was, basically, what started my freelancing career because I was too "broken" to do anything else. I'm not gonna go into too much detail since there are other people involved who were hurt by these events at least as much as I was, so I don't want to be disrespectful to them by sharing publicly without their permission. But being pushed to the edge has really made it difficult sometimes to manage a freelancing career when there are so many other things going on in my life that just made everything difficult, to say the least. 

At least, things are better now, so I'm starting to look to the future. 

Edited February 16, 2023 by vibronx

[breals]

1 hour ago, katakatica said:

So... how are you guys feeling? How's the winter (or summer in some places treating you?) Is there anything you'd like to share? 

I think that all of us at some point in our freelancing careers have experienced a day like this.  And for some of us, maybe even more than one.  Thanks for bringing the subject up though @katakatica. It takes a lot of courage to talk about mental health due to the stigma that's still attached to it. But I think you've given a really good snapshot of what it's like to be a freelancer. 

A website in the UK did some research a while back that looked at the biggest factors that impact self employed people. And the results were really interesting.  If you would have asked me what I thought would have been top, straight away I would have said 'the pain in the ass customers'  But actually it goes a lot deeper than that.  

Finding work, irregularity of income and work-life balance came out top.  Actually, customers came quite low down the list.  But, the more I think about it, the more I realise how tough it is being a freelancer.  Every day we literally wake up to put food on the table, where you're only as good as your last review.  We can't rely on a sick day, and we can't switch off when we go on holiday. So it's unsurprising that a lot of us (Me included) feel constantly burn't out. 

19% or 1 in 5 of the people surveyed felt that they didn't have the right amount of help and support, and I guess that this is why we keep coming back to the forum after a shitty day.  It's the help and support that I get from regular posters that keeps me sane sometimes. So your post @katakatica kind of makes us all feel that we're not alone, and we can be open about our struggles.  

A great topic!  Thank you! 

[marykipper]

Thanks for sharing this @katakatica. As someone who suffers anxiety myself  I can honesty empathise. 
Iv only been freelancing on fiverr since mid 2022 and I have to say it’s not helped with my anxiety in any way shape or form. I often find myself going into panic mode whenever  a client has not left feedback but has accepted delivery. But I  can often control frantic thoughts by assuming the client/buyer might have been busy. 

However, the most anxiety inducing factor Iv experienced so far is the private feedback. This is because although I come to know by my SM the PF is not good, but have no access to the feedback! So can it still be considered feedback? Or just a bullet in the dark ?

How can one put things “right” or “improve” when one is not privy to the actual problem the buyer had? 

 

[vickieito]

1 hour ago, breals said:

Finding work, irregularity of income and work-life balance came out top. Actually, customers came quite low down the list.  

This. ⬆️ 

Work-life balance is the hardest thing for me and I still pull a lot of all-nighters (and rely on a lot of caffeine). I also take on more orders than I should, which is what I'm faced with now. However, my customers are awesome and they keep me going.

As much as I love freelancing, it's definitely the hardest thing I've ever done - I'm constantly thinking about what I need to do to improve my business and there's no slacking off (each order has to be my absolute best work and a new PR every time). I feel guilty if I'm not working on my business and guilty if I'm working on my business when I think I should probably be spending more time with the kids. I am spending more time with them than I did when I had a day job, but I still feel guilty.

@katakatica's post reflects a lot of the thoughts that run through my head throughout the day. I stare a lot at statistics that I don't like. Yesterday my response rate dropped by 1% from 97% to 96% even though I'm constantly checking my inbox, orders, and spam folders on Fiverr. It used to be perfect until I went Out-Of-Office last month (off grid camping trip) and I was contacted by several sellers asking for orders. Now it's not so great.

Last month I had only 15 of the 29 orders rated (most of them auto-closed), and it affected me even though it shouldn't. I wonder if it's because my quality is going out the door or if this next order is the one where I'll fumble and drop the ball. I have 23 hours and 43 minutes to find out. 

@vibronx wrote a great post * [link] * that I've been using to help me try to achieve more work-life balance, but where he says "lift weights, do cardio," I'm twisting his words so that I can count "getting off of the couch" as lifting weights and "running to the fridge" as cardio. 😊

I celebrate my "wins" - yesterday it was getting on a Zoom call (a big achievement for a Zoom-adverse person) - but I'm hard on myself when a "win" also feels like a loss (I said "no" for taking on an order - definitely a win because I can't take on more at the moment. However it was a "loss" because it was to a loyal customer who I previously said no to a few weeks ago - and the only reason why I said no was because I said "yes" to take on orders that I shouldn't have).

I'm happy to be in the US again, but sad that my cost of living has tripled. Happy to be freelancing and covering my expenses, but wondering how long I can sustain this. Some of these thoughts are justified, others aren't but they do pop up in my head anyways.

So thank you, @katakatica for bringing up this subject again and laying it out so beautifully!

It is a tough topic and one often overlooked. I joined the forum last year in May, not long after visiting the hospital due to panic attacks, heart shudders, and a number of other health problems due to staying up for 48 hours at a time (and not being able to sleep in between). I wasn't able to share my experience on the forum then, but have gradually opened up, especially when topics like this pop up. Unfortunately, I've only seen this topic pop up twice since I joined, so I would love to see more people jumping on this thread to share their experiences!

Edited February 16, 2023 by vickieito

[critzalide]

Hi, great and difficult topic to talk about. Thank you @katakatica for sharing!

Freelancing carreer, whether is inside or outside Fiverr, is a tough thing to manage.

Everyday, I find myself struggling with finding work and irregularity of incomes.

During my work hours I am always available for clients (for any request they may have) but ,once I finish working, I try to not answer them and give them general informations. I kindly ask them to postpone to the next day. During the night, I use to turn off the phone. I do these things to prevent burnout due to overthinking.

 

 

 

 

[maheennadeem814]

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. It's really important to talk about these things and know that we are not alone in our struggles. As for me, winter is treating me well so far. Trying to stay positive and motivated despite the challenges. Thanks for offering your inbox to talk, it's great to have that support system.

[Yoav.M]

Dear Sellers,

Thank you very much for your time and investment in writing about this important topic of mental health.

Do anyone here know a seller with a professional background in the field?

Are there any specific topics regarding mental health , which you would be keen to hear and learn from? 

We are looking into the possibility of holding a webinar on the subject in the future for the sellers on the platform.

@critzalide, @vibronx, @vickieito, @katakatica, @marykipper, @breals

[maddy216]

Thank you for this thread. It really resonated with me and think it's something I needed to see. I feel like I'm spiraling toward burnout or...been burned out, so it's nice to remind myself I'm not so completely alone in that. Freelancing is difficult, and it's even more difficult when no one around you really understands the career path and the expectations on you. And it can be irritating, especially when those people who are supposed to support you just tell you to "plan better" to make a stronger work life balance (like when things are due back is within our control) or being stuck in doing an all-nighter is just poor time management. Staying positive though by setting short term goals of hobbies I want to get into or a few days off, so it feels like I'm working toward something. 🙂

[nurtajmohammed]

you should focus on working, there will be ups and down but remember people always go for lights not goes in darkness. drops in career will give the chance to grow more.

[Yoav.M]

Thank you both @maddy216& @nurtajmohammed- your responses are beneficial for our development as a platform, and for all sellers community.

[katakatica]

Sorry for the late response to all, I was away for the weekend and wanted to make sure I try to respond to everyone the 'right' way since this is a super important topic!

First of all, I want to say thank you to @editors_picks, knowing that you're reading this and trying to figure out a way makes me happy! Mental health in general really is something that we should talk about more, so I hope this post will kickstart something! I don't personally know anyone in the field, but I think I speak for a few of us on here when saying that a 'safe space' (maybe just a venting circle or a specific webinar where we can talk about the isolation/anxiety/depression working this way (and just in general 'post'-COVID) could be very important. Perhaps we could also 'bond' with each other that way (which would help with the isolation) though of course, sharing is... hard, but it's so important!

 

On 2/16/2023 at 2:50 PM, vibronx said:

At least, things are better now, so I'm starting to look to the future. 

I'm so glad that you're feeling a bit better! I definitely agree that it gets sort of rough even just working online (I'm always jealous when seeing my boyfriend in meetings with people he knows!) but of course in the grand scheme of things, it's a small sacrifice. (I love freelancing, just don't like not having co-workers to have 'afterwork' / etc. with. Then again, that's also the life of a foreigner abroad!

 

 

On 2/16/2023 at 2:53 PM, breals said:

A website in the UK did some research a while back that looked at the biggest factors that impact self employed people. And the results were really interesting.  If you would have asked me what I thought would have been top, straight away I would have said 'the pain in the ass customers'  But actually it goes a lot deeper than that.  

 

I think for me personally, having some 'iffy' customers is definitely a stressor, but I can see how that'd be only the tip of the iceberg. As you said, we don't have the ease of just taking the weekend off - I try, but still often check-in just in case - or even taking sick days when needed. If you already have anxiety (like some of us do, me included), it's very easy for work-related issues to tip you over. Obviously, my post focused on the freelancing part, but of course there's a lot more to it, however it definitely doesn't help. (now, would it be worse in a job where I had to actually SEE people and be outside all day? Probably) but it doesn't help for sure. 
Talking about this is hard, for sure, but I really think that it begins with us. There's a lot more resources now, but it's probably still not enough. Many times, I feel, people just... think that living in a panic is normal (I know people who do.) Opening up about it might help them realize it's not - and shouldn't be. 

 

 

On 2/16/2023 at 4:36 PM, vickieito said:

I said "no" for taking on an order - definitely a win because I can't take on more at the moment. However it was a "loss" because it was to a loyal customer who I previously said no to a few weeks ago - and the only reason why I said no was because I said "yes" to take on orders that I shouldn't have).

Losses are hard. Sometimes the smallest thing can trigger it (non-work related, too, like messing up dinner or something silly.) but wins definitely should be celebrated! Congratulations on the call - I know I'm often stressed about them but they can be very useful!

On 2/16/2023 at 4:36 PM, vickieito said:

It is a tough topic and one often overlooked. I joined the forum last year in May, not long after visiting the hospital due to panic attacks, heart shudders, and a number of other health problems due to staying up for 48 hours at a time (and not being able to sleep in between). I wasn't able to share my experience on the forum then, but have gradually opened up, especially when topics like this pop up. Unfortunately, I've only seen this topic pop up twice since I joined, so I would love to see more people jumping on this thread to share their experiences!

2020 was VERY rough for me. I had panic attacks (and thought they were actual health issues) back to back and for the longest time I was barely 'OK'. Moving abroad helped because it got me out of that 'down' zone I was in, but I know how terrifying it is. I struggle with sleep these days, but try my hardest to keep a healthy(ish) schedule. I hope that as we talk more about this, people will see that this is common (not normal, because it shouldn't be) but OK to talk about and to get help if needed. 

I'm very uh, particular about certain things like ratings or even just %-es (like you seem to be) so I can definitely relate to getting stressed about those things. Everything needs to be perfect, even if it doesn't matter in the big picture! 

On 2/16/2023 at 5:20 PM, critzalide said:

During the night, I use to turn off the phone. I do these things to prevent burnout due to overthinking.

I put my phone away but sometimes when I'm not tired enough reach back for it! I've been trying to focus on maybe some puzzle games or similar instead though, which seems to be working a bit!

 

[Yoav.M]

@katakaticathanks for your engagement here in the Forum, and especially in this crucial thread. I'm grateful , as a Fiverr employee, for your devotion, your patience, your work, and your care. I wish we would be able to develop such a webinar or a circle for sellers, to discuss this highly relevant issues.

Perhaps you can send me via a message in the inbox, some of the sellers who will be willing to participate in such a roundtable? 

Since this is a relatively new field that we are trying to figure out how to approach, it is possible to start small, initially, but at least finally talk about this topic and try to hear everyone who is interested in contributing their insights, even if at the moment it is only about sharing and not yet discussing a specific solution.

[mariashtelle1]

9 minutes ago, editors_picks said:

Since this is a relatively new field that we are trying to figure out how to approach, it is possible to start small, initially, but at least finally talk about this topic and try to hear everyone who is interested in contributing their insights

That’s a great direction to think about freelancer’s mental health. But personally with my experience working in HR it’s not the webinars with meantal health coaches that help 😉

Just imagine as a freelancer you have your day full of clients, you wake up and you work stressful job let’s say from 7am to 9pm because a lot of freelancers never stop. And an extra hour of a webinar for mental health is not what going to help with mental health. 
My opinion to really help freelancer a few things have to chechena on the platform (I am not saying if I want it personally or not, it’s just a feedback that we saw on the forum):

1. Ability to take days off or at least a weekend without worrying that clients will place an order. (Yes I know fiverr added request to order feature, however weekends still count towards delivery or revision time. And you can’t really set your working hours)

2. This new feature with clients being able to extend review time as many times as they want for as long as they want is definitely not a definition of mental health for freelancers. Work on your orders and get an opportunity to be stuck in endless loop of not being paid.

3. I understand that the algorithm needs to choose best of the best performing sellers but that also means that when you choose to go out of office for a short or long vacation in most cases fiverr will remove you from searches even after you are back from vacation because there is no history of any “performance” during OOO. 

4. in writing category buyers can still order few packages in one go but the delivery time will not change.
 

(I’m sure I’m forgetting quite a few thing but these are the ones that came to mind.) 

[Yoav.M]

Thank you @mariashtelle1

[miiila]

1 hour ago, katakatica said:

a 'safe space' (maybe just a venting circle or a specific webinar where we can talk about the isolation/anxiety/depression working this way (and just in general 'post'-COVID) could be very important. Perhaps we could also 'bond' with each other that way (which would help with the isolation) though of course, sharing is... hard, but it's so important!

Maybe a moderator could open one of those "clubs" for the topic and move this thread there, to have it off the general forum and only visible for people who actually actively work on Fiverr, as some might be uncomfortable writing so "hyper-publicly". On the other hand, it might be more difficult to find as a club, so I'm not sure which would be better.

It's certainly an important topic, in any case, and probably will only become more important, with more and more people working from home and in the Gig economy environment, with "only" other freelancers as colleagues, only online.

[Yoav.M]

@miiilathanks so much for your understanding , patience, and support regarding this super important topics. 

[vibronx]

2 hours ago, editors_picks said:

some of the sellers who will be willing to participate in such a roundtable? 

Unfortunately, I'm too busy to participate in a roundtable currently, but I just want to emphasize that many of the things @mariashtelle1mentioned above are things that impact my mental health and things that could be bettered to create a more "humane" work experience for sellers.

Edited February 20, 2023 by vibronx

[vickieito]

2 hours ago, mariashtelle1 said:

(I’m sure I’m forgetting quite a few thing but these are the ones that came to mind.) 

Thanks, @mariashtelle1! You mentioned a lot of the things that cause me stress.

I have the Request to Order feature and it is wonderful! It really makes a difference when you can control what orders you can take on or not. It's also nice that it doesn't take me off the market, so I use this instead of the Out-of-Office tool. It also gets rid of the "ordering multiple packages" issue with buyers.

Hours of Operations should be separate from the Request to Order feature. No messages (even from past clients or sellers) received during your off hours should count toward your response rate. Sellers should be able to turn on an automated out-of-office message that will count as an on-time response to these messages. The same should be true for the Out-Of-Office tool.

I planned in advance (for months), an off-grid, three-day camping trip last month. I warned all my clients so none of my buyers contacted me during this time. However, I didn't expect to hear from previous sellers since my last order as a buyer was 4 months prior to that time. Because of messages from my sellers (who were wondering if I had work for them), my response rate went down to 96%. It would have been worse if I didn't make an unplanned trip back to town to restock on supplies. I was briefly in an internet zone and could respond to messages then.

Based on my first vacation while being a freelancer, I decided it isn't safe to take an off-grid trip longer than 1 1/2 days. Even with the internet, I have only taken a handful of 2-day weekends off. It would be nice for freelancers to be able to responsibly take time off, and be able to use automated out-of-office messages that actually count as an on-time response.

1 hour ago, miiila said:

some might be uncomfortable writing so "hyper-publicly". On the other hand, it might be more difficult to find as a club, so I'm not sure which would be better.

I came to the forum because I wanted to see if I was alone in this struggle but wasn't willing to post about it until 4 months into the forum (and I've only been on the forum for about 10 months so far). It isn't really talked about much, probably because of the stigma around it, and because it doesn't look like other sellers are struggling. 

I guess to make a club visible, we can have a banner at the top of the forum saying: "Feeling burnt out and stressed? Well, you're not alone!" I don't know if there's a way to make anonymous posts, but that might help some sellers open up more about their experiences.

Edited February 20, 2023 by vickieito

[grayprogrammerz]

Well I was thinking too much. And that's was my problem.

Now I don't over think. So I don't get pressure.

Also I lowered my intelligence. Because intelligent folks think a lot. and its bad for health. 😅

 

"I gave them revision, but no response, what they be thinking, did I mistake..."

"If client is sleeping why are you so in hurry ! Now you shut up! and let me sleep. Will see tomorrow if had any revision" 😅

[williambryan392]

Great post @katakatica, kudos for being brave enough to raise and share!

I'm late to this topic, and took time out of the forum for this very reason. I was not in a good place at the start of the year and decided to take a step back from everything in February to get into a better place. I actually got to the stage where I was resenting Fiverr buyers messaging me, I was resenting new orders. That's not good!

I'm not a lover of social media, and I'm quite a private person, but in the spirit of being open and helping to break the stigma @vickieito refers to I wanted to share this. In my twenties I also got into a really dark place. Think bottle of brandy, edge of a bridge, new years eve. Literally. Randomly a friend phoned me, he had no idea (and still doesn't), but he saved me.

To anyone reading this you should know there is always a path forward, even if it seems impossibly hard and dark.

Building any kind of business is always going to come with dark days, whether it's Fiverr or wherever. In fact any kind of life or career comes with dark days.

Regarding Fiverr, I still feel anxious every time I wait for the feedback notification or the fear of a buyer not responding to a delivery. However I'm really trying to only worry now about the things I can control, and to let go of the things that I can't control, or that don't matter.

In the same way the experienced among us rightly tell sellers not to stay online 24/7, or that they should say no to bad buyers, I think we need to also tell sellers it's ok to go unavailable/OOO and take a real break (and it's ok not to reply to repeat buyers when you are). It's ok for your response rate to not be 1 hour. It's ok to not respond in the middle of the night. It's ok to say you're too busy, or to use the order limit, put your prices up or use RTO feature. It's ok to put yourself first. Decent buyers understand, bad buyers may not, but hey, who wants to work with bad buyers!

These are all things I was so fearful of when growing on Fiverr, I was scared I would lose my positioning on the platform. The thing I've come to believe is that if you are good at what you sell (which I believe everyone commenting here is) then your profile / standing will recover in a bit of time. Yes you can't take 6 months off, but a week or two should be fine (I'm testing this right now!). Ultimately, if you don't look after yourself then there is a real danger to your own mental health, and if you're not in a good place then it's so much harder to do good work.

 

Edited March 7, 2023 by williambryan392
typo

[williambryan392]

I went on my first holiday last year with my girlfriend, she made this video. She is not a fan me maintaining my response rate! 

[vickieito]

21 hours ago, williambryan392 said:

It's ok to put yourself first.

20 hours ago, williambryan392 said:

Ultimately, if you don't look after yourself then there is a real danger to your own mental health, and if you're not in a good place then it's so much harder to do good work.

Thanks @williambryan392 for sharing your experiences. I really needed this post!

I've been thinking a lot about what you said. 

I stepped away from the computer and took some much-needed "me" time. I exercised (something I haven't done in ages) and then sat down outside on the grass with Whiskers (the family's one-eyed cat). We watched the sunset together until the sky turned pink and the sun disappeared behind the palm trees. It was very nice and relaxing. Then we went inside and I rallied the whole family to work on a home project together. Afterwards, I spent time watching a few Ted Conferences and going through some educational courses that I had on my list of things to do (but never got around to it). This all helped me to gain better clarity in the direction I wanted to go and the actions that I needed to do to accomplish that. Not just for my business, but in my personal and family life as well.

I should have done that earlier. But I never allowed myself to. I have a terrible habit of going on for as long as I can until I pretty much sleep-where-I-drop, which probably comes from being a mama who thinks she can do it all. 😅 I decided to set boundaries for work hours and block out time for exercise, sleep, business-building, and education in addition to taking care of my family's daily schedule and doing orders.

Sometimes we are so into the daily grind that we forget to take a break, look up, and see the bigger picture. Are we happy? Do we feel fulfilled in what we are doing? Are we allowing ourselves to enjoy those little moments each day, that help to put everything into perspective?

Or are we allowing fear, anxiety, and worry drive our actions and push us to the breaking point?

[katakatica]

On 3/7/2023 at 9:00 AM, williambryan392 said:

To anyone reading this you should know there is always a path forward, even if it seems impossibly hard and dark.

 

I'm so glad you found it... But truthfully, I understand in a way. Back in 2020, I had a time period where I was more anxiety than human (not even due to work or depression just... fear.) I've travelled far and wide before, went through so much, but then just... crashed. It was not a good time.

Thank you so much for sharing, honestly. 

I think what sort of feels the 'toughest' is that work for me just adds on to all the other things I'm stressed/anxious about. Sometimes I get a message at night or the morning and just ignore it for a bit (even though I know performance matters) because I'm not in the state to answer in that moment. Learning that it's better to do that way has been very hard.

The only reason I can take time off is to be with my partner - the fact that he works a 9 to 5 really helps me structure my life a bit better! I think otherwise I'd be sitting at my desk writing until 2AM! 

4 hours ago, vickieito said:

Sometimes we are so into the daily grind that we forget to take a break, look up, and see the bigger picture. Are we happy? Do we feel fulfilled in what we are doing? Are we allowing ourselves to enjoy those little moments each day, that help to put everything into perspective?

 

I think what used to make it hard for me is the dopamine I'd get from a good review / etc. I would FEEL happy (for ten seconds) even when burnt out. It was sort of 'hard to see the forest from the tree' situation (:P). Realizing that there's other good stuff around has been hard but very rewarding. Making homemade food has become such a joy, even though I struggled with cooking at first, clinging to the 2 recipes I knew 😄 Now I'm much better. 

I'm glad that you could take some time off! It's so much easier once you're in the habit of it, I find! We had some lovely sunny days for a bit so we took walks.

Now it's all snowy! 

 

[mandyzines]

On 2/16/2023 at 2:28 AM, katakatica said:

(well, here it is. Please be kind. I want this topic to open up a conversation so you don't have to focus on the contents themselves. Just know that at least a few of us are here to listen/talk.)

 

6 AM

I wake up for the first time. I know that I'll go back to sleep in a bit, but now that I'm awake, even if barely, I check my phone. Sleep can wait. 

A revision request? 

But why? 

Ah. Nothing serious; they just asked to add an extra line somewhere. They won't leave a bad review because it was missing, right? I need to be more careful.

So they didn't hate what I wrote. Good. 

Wait... did they?

Are they just being nice? 

No, come on. They aren't...

Right?

I can't get to my laptop yet; it's a bit too early, but... I can at least shoot them a message so they know I'm not going to forget about them. 

Come on, Kata, let's go back to bed for now. 

9:30 AM

Oh. A new message. Let's just take a look at that on the laptop - looks like it'll take a while to type a proper reply. 

I don't really have more time this week, but what if their order is urgent? 

Come on; it's OK to just ask them about a deadline. 

Cool, message sent. 

Let's get down to writing. 

1:00 PM

Lunch.

Just make sure there are no unreplied messages or anything that might need to get down sooner. Okay, looks like there's nothin-

Wait.

Why did that person just accept the order but not leave a review? 

Did I do something wrong? 

DId I - 

I bet they are just busy, but what if that's not all?

I can already feel the panic building up in my stomach. Okay, no, let's try to ignore that. Food is more important, and then a bit of a break. 

3:30 PM

I have a meeting.

I dread them, even though they tend to go just fine. Sometimes, I can't read people. Or I get too excited. Perhaps too firm? 

Was I too firm today? 

I need to set limits. I know that my writing is worth what I'm paid for it, but potential clients often make me feel like it's not. 

Just 500 words left to write, and then I can rest up. It's not even due this week, but I did promise that I'll try to deliver early. 

I wish I hadn't, but they seemed to be in a rush.

But I need to tinker with this and that, and of course, I have other orders in the queue; maybe I could get started with those? 

No, I really need a break.

5:00 PM

Time to get cooking. I need my phone for the recipe, which means that I'll be looking at it every two minutes. What if I get a bad review? Or what if I get a new message and- 

Okay, stop there. 

Cooking is fun, so just focus on it. 

2:00 AM

A new message? 

I'm trying to sleep. It's too hot...too cold. Too everything.

Maybe I can reply to this message. Can I sneak over to my laptop without rousing my partner? No, there's no way. 

Ok, so let's just answer in the ap.

CRAP.

A typo.

I'm a writer. I shouldn't make so many of them, but the screen is so tiny, and I can barely see it. Where are my glasses? 

Great, they are in the living room. 

Come on, just go and fetch them. Or not. 

Ow. I'm clenching my teeth again. I need to relax, but how? I wish I had a magic spell that'd help with it...

Apology for the typo sent and...

Just put the phone away and sleep, seriously. 

3:00 AM

Why did I have to wake up just now? I'm so thirsty...

Ignore the phone... ignore the phone...

A spam message? Or is it just a new profile?

Just...respond quickly.

How can I help you? 

 

 

 

Note: the above IS not 100% accurate, but based on real life, though it definitely doesn't truly explain how BAD it can get. I focused on work-related things, but of course, anxiety isn't just work-related. There is so much more to it. I'm usually very confident in my writing, but my anxiety isn't. It's truly the funniest thing sometimes (but let's not go too deep into that.)

As a freelancer, the lack of stability can truly mess with us (and so can many other factors. )

So... how are you guys feeling? How's the winter (or summer in some places treating you?) Is there anything you'd like to share? 

Know that my inbox is always open x3 Life is tough, but we are tougher! 

 

This is the stress response that I get stuck in, generally, and apparently a lot of other non-freelancers have ended up in the same state over the past three years because the wellness industry is BOOMING.

This is also the morning that I'm having. That bleeping response rate being applied to 12-5am messages eats away at one of the most basic human needs--sleep! I do not have proper sleep after 2am because of it--ever!

(And I cannot drop my prices without being inundated with messages from midnight to 5am, many of which are asking me to get up and read a sample for them. Not one of them are willing to wait until I can do anything meaningful manner, at a reasonable hour. And that affects my conversion rate.) 

5 am this morning I had someone sending me portions of a script piecemeal, in individual messages, with notes in between. I finally got up, made my coffee, dragged myself to my computer, and they switch to another account mid communication--within minutes. I point out that I need to consolidate what they've sent together in a document since I was at a PC and waking up, but was confused as to which account to follow up with. They sent me their Gmail account. SO, yes, it was a scammer scraping away at my sleep!

And when you wake up like this, it sets the precedent in terms of mood/emotions for the entire day. It's not at all setting the stage for productivity. 

This "...cultivate loyalty..." webinar I keep getting messages about also only happens at 4am-5am for me. (Am I going to get in trouble for not going and instead trying to get sleep?!)

Now that I think about it, since you mention jaw clenching, it probably contributes to the TMJ I try SO hard to keep out of my audio.

I'll add that I don't know how people work on their phones. I cannot comprehend most of what I do through one.

Edited March 8, 2023 by mandyzines