Ultimate Sellers Tip List!

[damooch916]

Hey all! I’m radio and stage performer Orson Welles, but you can call me Tommy. I’m a PRO/TRS in the music categories. I’m also a professional “at home” tank top model … though fiverr refuses to activate my gig “I will teach you to wear half of a shirt for five dollars.” 

 

A lot of you come to the forum asking for tips. Some of you even demand them. While others essentially threaten bodily harm if some high ranking seller won’t dispense with the goods. Well, before you go sticking your tongue into the nearest power outlet - check this out! I have assembled some often overlooked, rarely discussed, much sought after words of wisdom - solely designed to spare you from learning the hard way. These are the sort of tips you won’t find in the fiverr library (otherwise known as that fountain of wisdom we call YouTube). 

 

 Because success, if nothing else, should come totally easily and always be showered upon anyone who asks. Ready kids?

Here we go: 

 

1. It’s not your job to be a clients friend - it’s your job to be your client’s seller. 

Having a client is like having a child - the role is to facilitate, listen, teach and lead outcomes … not to be their buddy. It’s for this reason that I always demand that my clients finish all of their vegetables before delivery.  

 

2. Your best picture and your profile picture shouldn’t be the same picture. 

Your profile picture tells a story. Sometimes that story says, “Hey, pick me - I have all my teeth.” Other times the story might say, “I’m sitting at a desk, you can always trust someone who sits at a desk.” 

 

But for a lot of you, your profile picture says something more like, “I’m a female Brazilian model, walking out of the water on a sunny day while the droplets gleam freshly on my uncovered legs. Would you like some graphic design?”

Sure, “Bob from California…” sure. 

 

Whatever the case, your profile picture should capture the mood of working with you while honoring the aesthetics of the field you occupy. It doesn’t have to be your best ever picture - it’s the best ever mood of what you do.

 

Precisely for this reason, as a songwriter, my profile picture is just a high resolution black and white displaying me over a newspaper looking for a real job.

 

3. Never lower your prices to accommodate a customer.

We work in largely subjective fields creating largely subjective products. Yet, on some level, I just described Walmart. Sure, the pickles may look old, the pasta sauce clumpy, the tee shirts are a knitting nightmare and I’m pretty sure those are stains in that package of “new” toilet paper … but good luck haggling with them. 

 

 Bottom line - if you don’t understand the rationality of your prices - you aren’t worth the money.

 

4. Don’t be afraid to say no.

Here’s a great example of saying no: 

 

“It’s a match! We think you’re a great fit for this brief.”

 

… no.

 

5. It’s not important to call yourself a professional if you’re not - you know - a professional. 

Don’t you hate it when you want to schedule a doctors appointment but your specialist is busy working their day job at McDonald’s?

 

Doesn’t it frustrate you when you have to wait for your dentist to consult “YouTube” tutorials in order to complete your routine cleaning?

 

Isn’t it maddening that every time you call the police, they seem to be busy cleaning their bedrooms because their mother  threatened to take away their video games? 

 

We’ve all been there, right? No? 

 

That’s because those professions are full of professionals.

 

In each of our respective industries there are pathways, networks, practices and recognized timelines that indicate professional status. If you’re unaware of those benchmarks in your field - you’re not a professional.

 

And so what? All of us, at one point, weren’t professionals either (except for me: as a fetus - I was a hard crooning, alcohol swilling, woman obsessed, alpha complexed, brooding romantic who spouted reckless poetry and trashed my mothers uterus just to unleash my tormented musician’s soul). 

 

There’s far more value in advertising yourself as a “hardworking upstart who will do anything to please your client,” than there is in lying about your professional credibility. Besides, most days - the only difference between a professional and an amateur is that the professional’s self loathing is more polished. You’ll get there when you get there. Or you won’t. Either way, lying won’t make your material suck any less, only hard work can do that.

 

6. The best way to deal with a problematic customer is to not have one.

When a potential client presents themselves as overly aggressive, abrupt or impatient - believe them. These customers prove to be far more costly than profitable. Here is an example of how you can gracefully remove yourself from the potential danger of taking on these types of clients: 

 

Client: I need a song. I want it to be good and it’s your job to do it. I’m on a budget and I’m not paying a dime more. Give me some samples and I might let you make it. You better hurry. 

 

Me: Hi! You’re receiving this automated message due to my being out of the office. The asylum no longer allows me to perform my work after the last “orderly” incident. Due to my “condition” anything deemed “possibly frustrating” has been revoked when not on “weekend pass.” I’m also legally required to tell you that I recognize the foul nature of following clients home after they’ve frustrated me. I‘ve recently recognized that crowbars are not an acceptable instrument for “massage therapy.” I’ve come to understand that watching my enemies sleep is not a normal behavior. Though I still struggle to practice my new attitude all the time, I’m making great strides with my anger management. The biting has almost ceased and I no longer aspire to hear bones snap after a few fingers. I can’t wait to return and talk to you! 

So, where ya from?”

 

Problem solved.

 

7. All business is “Do it Yourself” and no one’s coming for you.

You know that pretty woman at the coffee shop? Remember when you mustered up the courage to ask her out? Do you recall writing her a well crafted note, giving it to a barista, asking the barista to pass your note, cowering behind your latte and waiting anxiously as your romantic life hung in the balance? Remember the woman reading it? Remember how her face scrunched up, her eyes rolled and do you recall what it felt like when she addressed you - standing in front of your table - as she said “I don’t date little boys who can’t pursue their own goals.” Remember what it felt like when you went home and watched video game walkthroughs by yourself over Swiss rolls? 

 

Stop running your business like that.

 

7. Know what you do and do it. 

Here on fiverr you can offer graphic design. Voiceover. Background music. Art. Advice. Devise marketing plans. Fitness. Diets. Read palms. Proof read. Proof palms for readings. Write stories about shifty palm readers and these suckers who own palms. You can sing, edit, write poems, sell bots and call them audiences, sell jokes and call them jokes, make intros, make outros, spiritually advise, talk to the dead, act, act like you talk to the dead and you can do all of these all at once.

 

Here’s some advice: pick one.

 

Last I checked, no one wants their proof reader consulting the dead to fix their typos. But if they do, you should definitely charge extra.

 

9. The forum isn’t gospel.

The forum is a great place to learn how to find your footing. The forum is also a terrible place to learn how to find your footing. Some of the absolute worst advice I’ve ever seen has come right from here, from high ranking members, with great stats. In fact, it could be occurring in this very post. 

 

The forum believes the same inherently wrongheaded, big ego, badly ingrained, backward fiverr truisms that you’ll find anywhere else. Remember that before you take and enact every piece of advice you read.

 

The truth is, we don’t know you. We don’t know your situation. We don’t know the constraints of your newly emerging business and we certainly don’t understand your core philosophies. 

 

Furthermore, we voted while you were in the bathroom … turns out, we don’t even like you. We don’t hate you or anything, it’s just that … well… we’re petty like that. Plus, you’re new. You have that “new seller” smell. And your eyes are all big and doughy like someone stomped your toe and you’re trying not to cry. We hate that look. Or maybe we’re just hungry.

 

Truthfully, there’s no tip list that will deliver you a successful fiverr run. Just as there’s no definitive YouTube video, blog or podcast that can make you successful either. Because your situation is different than mine. 

 

I mean…sure… our circumstances have similarities. We’re both freelancers, using similar tools in the same environments, wearing sweatpants, in front of a machine, prying through materials to find the perfect client introduction - living between deadlines - drinking medium house blend coffee, brushing the outline of our chiseled and stone built chests with our left hand while resting our fist underneath our amazing and crisp jawlines with our right - all while contemplating the realities of a world where John Cusack stars in all of Matthew Broderick’s parts and vice versa.

 

But other than that we’re nothing alike.

 

So take only what’s important but nothing more. Because more than anything else - your success is tied to your ability. Anyone saying any differently does so purely from the inability to be honest with themselves. Your failure isn’t a conspiracy - you just aren’t as good as you think you are. Learn. Find better and get better. 

 

And that’s it. This is this, Stanley. 

 

Alternatively - this will all be in my upcoming book, “You Suck: An Inspirational Look at Fulfilling your Freelance Dreams.” I’m accepting advance payments and I totally promise that I’ll get around to writing it and that your money won’t go directly into offsetting my crippling coffee addiction. And with that, we now return you to your originally scheduled performance of “War of the worlds,” already in progress. 

Edited March 21, 2023 by damooch916
Rosebud

[tativiana]

Hahaha, thanks for sharing those tips!

The best one is Forum isn't gospel, hahaha! Love it! So true.

And well, I'm a noob but already got it.

Some forum advices I stop reading at the title! 

[theratypist]

Hahaha, as always a good and entertaining read Damooch. Cheers!

[damooch916]

14 hours ago, sherminakter said:

I have lost my energy to read your full article and as a result, I stop reading.

 

5 hours ago, milon856 said:

Reality 😉

 

Apparently. Or you would both know that you’re throwing rocks towards a lion’s cage while the gate stands widely open.

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to engage with characters of my surreal word spasms. And here you are. Splendid.

Now go. I’d hate to write anymore and strain your ability to work for low rates (and no rates). This discussion is reserved for people that understand the time commitment it requires to uncover advantages. Since you don’t have the time, I’m clearly not talking to you. 

Here’s the only advice that matters to either of you for your current scenarios: 

Don’t open your mouth if you don’t know the score. 

 

[katakatica]

On 3/21/2023 at 3:09 PM, damooch916 said:

Whatever the case, your profile picture should capture the mood of working with you while honoring the aesthetics of the field you occupy. It doesn’t have to be your best ever picture - it’s the best ever mood of what you do.

I'm genuinely curious what my blue-haired-girl in the sunlight photo (not the pic on here but on the main site) makes people think. (that being said, I'm a game dev so it checks out?). I liked the illustration I had of myself more, but I had to change it 😞 I definitely think that looking approachable (or showing what you do on your picture) helps. Not sure I'd be comfortable buying art from a k-pop star (I have seen pictures of them on here before) or something similar. Now MUSIC, maybe, but...

13 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Apparently. Or you would both know that you’re throwing rocks towards a lion’s cage while the gate stands widely open.

 

Not sure if this means anything but I love your posts 😛 I don't reply much because my wit can't even be compared to yours (turns off the second I put the 'WORD' tab down. I'm unfunny, my characters aren't 😛) but I love that you genuinely give advice AND entertain people at the same time. 

On 3/21/2023 at 3:09 PM, damooch916 said:

. Your failure isn’t a conspiracy - you just aren’t as good as you think you are.

I think THIS is the most important bit, though. If those who can't be bothered to read the whole post have seen this at least, they've already learned something. 

You can be pretty, (or handsome), witty, charming and so sweet you give your friends diabetes but if you're not good at what you're trying to sell, you won't make it. Easy as that. Not EVERYONE was meant to be a freelancer and that's cool. Preferable even. (imagine if doctors/teachers/baristas/everyone suddenly started working on Fiverr and nothing else lol)

[kamranedit]

Wooofff .... it's a long one but to the point and once you start reading ... it takes you deeper.

[damooch916]

Just so we’re clear. I’m not soliciting any of your opinions on the length of free advice. Or on anything, really. For most of you - Your opinion isn’t the one that’s needed, is it? 
 

We’re all aware that you first time, junior business leaders of never - read each other’s comments and parrot anything you hear. You assume that’s how forums work. You read something, say the exact same thing and put no effort into considering the information. Which makes sense, given that this is the same method you apply to working for a living. Which is why you have no work and have even less living. 
 

Well, you’re parroting the wrong sentiment. If you’re unsure -  tutorials, lessons and ideas require elaboration. If you need a quick fix, stick your finger in a light socket. Then finally you will have contributed to strengthening the freelance workforce.

 

This wasn’t a post about feelings. Or a poll. Or a question. It’s a post about tips and lessons. If you’d like your freelance lessons to include less information - you’re a danger to your client and to fiverr as a platform. Fortunately, most of you don’t have clients. And the ones that do charge such little money, it doesn’t really damage your customer’s wallet when you get your job so incredibly wrong.  

Honestly. Exactly what number of sentences is acceptable when giving you a peek into ideas that you didn’t earn the right to even see yet? Five? Ten? 
 

Please, tell me how many words I can use to explain the entirety of freelancing success - for free - on a forum where the predominant form of communication is text. Do you have a number? Or is it far more likely that you (much like a teenager discovering black nail polish for the first time) believe that complaining makes you look “aware?” Well take my word for it … you don’t.
 

There’s not a hard working, ass busting, agenda having, devoted, successful freelancer here that has mistaken you for being “aware.” Want to know why? We all took the time to do our homework. We read the long form tutorials. We go out of our way to find people who have exceeded our own limitations and we respect their time if they offer it to us. We see learning as part of our occupational requirements. We openly seek the time commitment. And that’s why we’re not only successful - but respected as well. We all know each other.

 

And you’re not one of us. 

 

Since you haven’t earned that respect - how about shutting your mouth until you have something useful to spill out of it? You can start with gratitude. Then, after you’ve applied some of the free advice you’ve gotten here - you can report back and tell us what worked for you. Or even better, when you inevitably do nothing you were told by high end sellers, you can completely go away and give clients an opportunity to find sellers who want to actually work for a living. 

 

It doesn’t play well for onlooking buyers to cast yourselves as impatient, bubbling children - incapable of digesting long form information and complaining over the amount of time it may take to strengthen your freelancing success. Not only do you come across as information adverse, but you can add petulant, spoiled, insecure and lazy to the list.   

 

These are nine half serious tips written around a humorous slant. But in reality, it would require years to fully explain the steps it requires to be a well paid self employer. At the point where you’ve proven yourself too exhaustible to read a nine point essay - it’s fairly safe to assume that you lack the grit required to make it. Though I do appreciate the irony of being so flustered by the time constraints - that you take additional time to complain about the time it takes. Really locking your point in there kids.

 

When a successful, long time seller takes the time to acquaint you with useful tips - even if it’s said satirically - either react with gratefulness or keep your mouth shut and resume your long journey to mediocrity as planned.

I’d wish you all failure, but I’ll just give it a month and let fate take its natural course.

Nice talking to you. 

Edited March 24, 2023 by damooch916
I didn’t flex enough as I wrote this initial copy. I’ve since corrected the issue. #armday