damooch916

That was my job for years. On the classified ad it read: smoke stack, barrel house, gut punch, low down, grit loin, dirt grind, perverse, naughty parts, utterly all out piano player and singer. Please sign your life here. It wasn’t much of a deal, but there’s coffee.

I pulled up a random backing track from YouTube that sounded similar to the album you posted. Then I played a bunch of improv phrase vomit and slapped it together.

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If that video produced a white backdrop on your screens and looked suspicious, it’s not some ancient chant designed to unleash the powers of the covenant into your workspace. It wasn’t my intention to look like forum spam. It’s me at the keyboard providing real-time evidence of this thread’s having undone my workday. First, you got this damn song stuck in my head. Next, while I’m supposedly arranging client materials, I’m actually playing the hook over and over in different genres. I wrote music all day. Unfortunately the songs I wrote were all variations of an already written song.

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Smash is the guy you call when you need to build the house. Mike is the guy you call when you need the house builders whipped into shape. Frank is the guy you call when you want to see the homes of the future. Jon is the guy you call when you want instructions on what to avoid while building houses. And I’m the guy you call when the house has gone Gomorrah and you need it torched without survivors. Plus, I replaced your home with a rabbit hole. Also, merry unbirthday to you.

Totally different. He deals in factual, punctual, genuine guidance and steady observation with touches of human whimsy. I deal in the satirical, in parody and surrealistic perversity with a touch of misguided Lynchian absurdity. We don’t overlap, so it’s fairly complementary and there’s room for both. Edit: I see plenty of people veer wildly (and poorly) into my lane. @smashradio isn’t one of them. Personally I think his observations, as different from mine as they are, make for top notch content. I don’t see us doing the same shtick at all and I think we’re secretly in the same club. FYI you’re in that club too. We’ll mail your button.

Behind the forums writing moment: If I could honestly pretend to have written this segment in effortless fashion, I’d still pass myself off as some grind writer, sweating out the rhythm. As it was, I probably reworked that pay off ten times trying to avoid the word “hooker.” It’s a funny word and in a more character driven piece I may have gone that route. But this was aiming to be somewhere between Dennis Miller and Dear Abby. So the reader has to unlock the punchline. This will all be in my upcoming book, “Broken Thread: A Survivalists Guide to Wrecking your Favorite Forum.”

Amazing! I was just standing, fully upright, in the middle of my kitchen wondering, “why have I walked in here” when the thought occurred to me… “…What I really need is a master of professional communication. Especially one without prospects, begging for work in the middle of a seller dominated environment.” And poof! Here you are. Which begs the question: are you a wizard? I have strong policies against working with wizards. I’m not prejudice or anything, but is it really so wrong to recognize that they smell like that? Granted, I’m sure that you’re a great person, or essence, or tangibly translated ethos in the form of human quintessence or whatever, but a wizard is a wizard. The last thing I need is for some pointy hatted, robe wearer, taking grooming tips from the local motorcycle gang to show me the value of creative writing by changing me into a squirrel or something. It’s obnoxious. Dude, I get it - you’re one broom away from commanding an army of monkeys or whatnot, but can I please just get “500 words on security systems” and close out this order? Now, I recognize that this wizard disapproval is not your fault. It likely stems from a summer job that I had a few years back. I was just a novice musician at the time and jobs were scarce. To keep the lights on, I was forced to take a house keeping position at the local castle. As you’re probably aware, castles are filthy. High windows. Skull jars. Torn books. It’s a tough job. To make matters worse there was no sign of industrial cleaner anywhere. I kid you not, this guy hands me a bucket of water, a broom and hightails it to bed for the evening. Obviously he can’t be bothered to pick up after himself, after all he’s waved his arms around and spouted nonsense all day. Well, imagine my surprise to find his hat just sitting around. So I’m looking at this thing, right? And I’m wondering “what’s the difference between this and a witches hat? Is it fabric? Do brimless hats indicate more or less power? Is this one of those one-sized-fits-all deals and let’s be honest, is all elastic just a magic trick?” Next thing I know, I’m wearing the hat. Okay. I’ll take the heat for that. Although (and I have no evidence to support this) I sincerely believe that the hat put itself on my head. I assume you can guess what happened next. I’m waving this broom over here. Waving that bucket over there. Splashing water on base boards and conjuring windex from the great beyond. In all the bustle, I guess I woke up the wizard. Or maybe it was the completely blaring classical music. Maybe this was an inappropriate time to question the validity of his title. This loon kept referring to himself as a “sorcerer.” I don’t know about you, but a guy wearing a blue traffic cone doesn’t get to call himself a sorcerer. Ohhhhh. I remember why I walked in here. My glasses! Never mind.

You should try the revolutionary notion of reading the rules. You can follow that by taking an inventory of your surroundings … you may just come away with the stark realization that - of all the people in this forum - I’m the absolute last person you want awoken to your abhorrent behavior. If none of that seems to resonate - and you find that you’re still ignoring socially practiced standards while claiming to be a social media expert - I’ve compiled a list of “game changing” methods designed to change your perspective. Just some suggestions that will totally redesign your behavior… 1. Eat slow roasted glass with lemon juice. 2. Put your lips over the edge of the refrigerator door and slam it shut. 3. Play “steal the steak” with the neighbor boy’s dog. 4. Clean yourself with grocery store salami and visit a National Forrest. 5. Wash your eyes out with extra thick body scrub. 6. Use your electrical outlets as a utensil holster. 7. Add bleach to your coffee creamer. 8. Take flying lessons from a bird family in a high tree. 9. Try “no arms” snake hunting. 10. Move to Texas, find a crowded area and yell, “why is everything so small here, you dumb Yankees.” Please be advised, you assume all risk by adhering to any of the provided suggestions. The fiverr forum does not endorse, support or necessarily agree with the methods I’ve suggested in this thread. Only, secretly, they totally do. In fact, as we speak, two moderators are catching their breath from laughing (although, to be fair, they feel guilty about it). Please refrain from posting until you’ve read the rules. Actually, let’s back up. Start by reading some of these fine classics: * There’s a Monster at the End of This Book * The Very Hungry Caterpillar Then, when you’re ready, let’s take a deep dive into the forum rules. You may also try reading the forum content. On today’s menu we have a wonderful thread about “talking” and in another thread we’re discussing “microphones.” Invigorating stuff. You may not learn anything (to no one’s immediate surprise) but you will see what our accepted behavior looks like.

Hi folks. I’m television’s Monty Hall, but you can call me Tommy. I’m a PRO/TRS in the songwriting and musician categories. I’m also a champion coffee drinker (though fiverr is dragging their feet on recognizing this as a skill set). I realize that for a lot of you, you’ve come to the “Tips for Buyers” section to get the inside scoop on what to look for. But how do you know you’re hearing the real deal? As a seller (and a guy with a YouTube account) I’m qualified to give you the real inside information. The following is a serious look at what to do, what not to do and what to avoid entirely. Good luck out there. 1. A seller who gives you a free sample is a seller whose time isn’t worth anything. Sure, Costco gives out free samples - they also charge an annual fee and sell adult diapers in sixth month increments. Somewhere in there, a perfect metaphor is occurring. 2. Sellers aren’t mind readers. Unless, of course, they’re literally mind readers. All interactions with a fiverr medium/fortune teller should occur as follows: You: Hi! Them: How can I help you? Then you leave, as they have failed this portion of the test. 3. A seller with unlimited revisions is learning a craft on your dime. The point of being a buyer - is to buy. It’s not to offer paid training. There’s only one “service” in the world where you feel better knowing that you’ve purchased someone’s “first attempt.” And even pimps know not to offer revisions. 4. Message the seller before you purchase. Not everyone subscribes to the same definitions. In my business “rock music” can mean Pat Boone or AC/DC. If you think that’s a wide swing, imagine I were building your website. For this very reason, each time a customer purchases without contacting me - I send them a polka song. Relatedly, you’d be amazed how many people like polka, not realizing it isn’t “EDM.” 5. Read the Seller’s Gig page entirely. I’ve had an excellent cookie recipe on my profile for ten years and so far - not a word. Sometimes, doing that extra bit of research can really save you a lot of trouble. Other times, you just really need a cookie. 6. Never ask Sellers to go to another platform. Not only is it crucial to keep your communication in an environment where you can have customer service protection - by meeting us elsewhere - you run the very real risk of having us tell you what we really think about your idea. 7. Bring your seller examples of what you like. If you’re not sure what you like, keep searching for a seller until you find something that you like. If you decide that you don’t like anything, you’re either not ready to buy something - or you’re a 15 year old girl. In either case - it’s just a phase and you’ll grow out of it. 8. If you’re arguing with your seller, you need another seller. Trust me, if you find yourself arguing with me, two things are true: * You’ve acted belligerently and you’re finding out the hard way * And your song will have subliminal messages guaranteed to cause freakish paranoia. 9. Purchasing my service is not the same as being my boss. If we treat each other as co-workers, then we have a common goal. We want each other to win. If you treat me like an employee, then my goal is to sweet talk the receptionist into clocking me out on time, while I’m busy lip synching on a parade float. Don’t try me, Rooney. 10. Treat the seller like you want to be treated. Better yet, treat me how you’d imagine Zorro would like to be treated. After all, he’s fairly pleasant - but there’s something to be said about a guy in a mask. He’s also got a sword. So, I’d recommend friendliness. I hope these tips help you to achieve mastery level results. Good luck out there.

Seinfeld: Season 2, Episode 1 “The ex girlfriend.” Three in the morning is the wrong time to evaluate your proximity to casual behavior. It’s a time for the gruesome. The hour of “the others.” At three am, nothing good can, or even should, happen. On the road, right outside your door, a maniac is fleeing from the house lights of some hellish bar scene. His eyes are swollen from cheap vodka and his vehicle screams into the newer and fresher darkness. The desperate line the lobbies of cheap motels; their appendages aching to bond in profane ugliness. At three in the morning living ghosts pound the door to their neighborhood bagman. Bar flies turn into butterflies. Brutes find relief in their celestial ritual and the hideous feel normal in the company of their own. At three in the morning, knowing the rules will keep you alive (unless you’re already dead and no one has the guts to tell you). After parties turn into clouds of real time regret. Alleys sing like cathedrals. Angels carve their wings off and dance badly. Dimly lit houses welcome various strangers with the same face. At three a.m. minutes stretch like plastic wrap and time goes into hiding. Dark becomes blackness. Your body becomes a helpless jelly and bad choice sits like a stenographer, clicking every action into your tortured memory. At three in the morning, you’re living life away from the rails. Because nothing good comes from three in the morning. And everywhere you go, it’s some place you shouldn’t be. Unless, of course, you’re laying in bed watching Seinfeld. Some former heathen, wearing domestication like a pair of never-broken-in boots. Your body buzzing with the expectation of amplifier ache. Tossing and twisting. Negotiating with a higher power, “please, oh please … just let me sleep like the normal…” Seinfeld: Season 2, Episode 2 “The Pony Remark.” It started with a simple oscillating fan. But my body caught onto the ruse - and suddenly, sleep wouldn’t come. I added podcasts. But eventually the voices couldn’t speak over the crackling of my brain fire. I added the tv. Seinfeld. But sleep won’t come. My check is here. My payment is due. My crimes against normal living have been counted and no matter how deep down I dig … I’m gonna stand for all those stolen nights. Those fits of weirdness are here to collect on my attempt to go “regular.” Every dreary cafe that I haunted after some maniacal gig. Every curving car trip into a mist of horrible outcomes. Every taste of poison. Every jolt of electricity in the late hours. There’s a price to be paid for hot-wiring the night in the off hours, Jack. You’ve fractured the pathway to regularity - and there’s no trail of breadcrumbs to find your way back. Musicians don’t become normal people. If we’re lucky, we become people imitating normal people. Music is a lifelong contract. A baked in agreement that, in our youth, we were all too eager to sign away. The deal is simple: we’ll play loud, grease fire grind rhythms for the depraved and unquenchable … but we can no longer play the circadian rhythm. It’s a vampiric bargain (it used to be a Faustian bargain, but none of us have had soul since the 70’s). “Oh well,” we say, shrugging at the Blues God, “I’ll never reach my middle age anyways, hoss.” Then, of course, you do. Some 40 year old road person. Your hands banged into mush from years of instrument abuse. Getting loaded on the weirdness of sobriety. In bed, flipping your gym membership over in your meaty fingers and wondering aloud, “can a protein bar really be considered healthy (it isn’t healthy, but this won’t stop you from playing concerned, before you give in and eat one)?” Some bumbling oddity, catching fits of the uncanny valley at a grocery store because you can’t fathom the idea of yourself in the frozen foods. That’s the reality of the domestic musician. Just you and your existential crisis while studying the ripeness of bananas. Seinfeld: Season 2, Episode 3 “The Jacket.” Let’s face it, we were never fun. Not here. Not ever. Casual conversation has never meant casual. At the fiverr forum, casual conversation means “less formal.” That’s how we like it. We’re up tight, wound up, jittery, coffee enthusiast, creator types. And that’s us at our best. We’re nitpicky, overly stuffy, deadline junkies. We have just enough time to waste and not enough time to care. That’s our way. We hand crafted this routine - and our favorite game is to moan about it in C minor (Or Eb Major 7 if you’re really picky). Sure. We could venture into those opaque underworlds. Those mysterious side pockets where fiverr groups congregate, absent of rules and regulations. But that lacks the grit and teeth gnashing of braving the true fiverr forum. Anyone could read relevant content. That’s for the meek. I want a day’s worth of arbitrary updates. I want to sift through 100’s of crisp, faux congratulatory threads - until my eyes bleed from the dryness of scanning for something meaningful and my brain breaks like an unkept motor. Feed me. And why not? The gangs all here. Same as they ever were and only the names have changed. We’ve got the lady who posts something helpful on every thread, whether she knows the specifics or not. The bitter artists decrying the foul nature of undercutting the market. The newly crowned “forum fixer” with his laundry list of “helpful hints” that would settle this “broken mess” with the wave of his hand. Don’t look now, here comes sarcastic “retort” writer and her equally valuable friend, “try marketing” guy. There goes “posted this thread on that thread” lady… … and “I hate this place, I’ll see you tomorrow” guy. It’s lovely to meet you all again. And again. I especially love your new faces and totally different names. Sincerely wild thing, you make my heart sing. No, we’ve never been fun here. That’s all part of the game. For better or for worse. In sickness or in health. The fiverr forum is this. This is this Stanley. It isn’t something else. And good thing, because the consistency is the main appeal. I don’t want your fixes, with its aim to squash redundancy and it’s attempt to make things better. Screw better. Better is for the victims. Give me all those perverted “new level alert” threads and those treacherous “I hate buyers requests” complaints. That’s the meat. The good stuff. That’s the vampiric pain of the fiverr forum and that’s why I love it. We’ve all lived through it long enough for everyday to feel the same. The monotony tastes warm and gooey. Admit it, you love it. You want it this way. It’s not just good enough, it’s your sanctuary. It’s not dress pants - but it is sweatpants. It’s not Starbucks - but it is the three hundred coffee capsules you don’t have to worry about running out of. It makes an old road hand like me feel a brush with routine behavior. At three in the morning I can lay mangled up in bed, the smooth sounds of Seinfeld soundtracking my restless legs, jump on the fiverr forum and guarantee the results. It’s not pizzazz. It’s not exotic nutrients. But it is jello. And jello, even after eating it everyday for ten years, is still jello. Don’t ever change, Casual Conversation. Because the nights get long. Sometimes they even get strange. But with enough hope - there’s always a place for weird creatives to call home.

Let’s establish this right out of the gate: I am not here. You never saw me. You don’t know me. I’m a myth. You heard about me once, but you were slightly intoxicated and - on further reflection - you thought you made it all up. You did. I’m much like vague remembrances of a distant past. A ghost you only maybe saw. A space alien that only kinda probed you. Don’t make too much of it, we do that to everybody. You get me? None of this is even happening right now. Okay. Operating with covert networks, I’ve recently gotten my hands on the “hidden survey.” Though I can’t reveal my sources (and they’ve ceased communications, so make of that what you will) the following partial survey is completely verified. Be advised - this is strong material. (For internal use only) (survey: updated) The Following is a Secret Survey. The results will not be shared with your seller. 1. Using a five point scale, five being the highest rate of satisfaction, please tell us how satisfied you are with your order. 2. Did your seller provide the exact product that you asked for? 3. Out of three, rate your seller’s level of communication. Now, add eleven to the total. Now subtract one. Touch the screen with your index finger. You are hiding in the freight car. Good ain’t we? 4. If your seller were a Golden Girl, which girl would she be (please limit “Sophia” answers to only the best experience you’ve ever had)? 5. Aristotle said “hope is a waking dream.” Like, do you think that’s true and stuff? 6. On a scale of “five” to “YouTube,” how much did your seller actually understand about using fiverr? 7. Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Conservative party? Also, we’d like that cup you’re drinking out of for, uh, keepsake stuff. 8. In your own words, what is George R. R. Martin’s damn problem? 9. If a tree falls in the woods while making a steady shaking sound, is it still rock’n’roll to Billy Joel? 10. Logic: If you were given a choice between drinking coffee or saving the planet, where would you find a space ship to get to your new home? That’s it. At this point communications were cut and the remaining 113 questions are anyone’s guess. Of course, I’m risking personal harm to bring this information to you and we’re all counting on you to show it to the masses. Safe journeys. Godspeed. And may the light shine on your toe hair soldier.

Well… Things are alright, all things considered. Ethel broke her hip again. Poor thing, it’s just so hard for her to get around - as it seems her 80’s just ain’t her 70’s. I told her, “now, honey - them boys run hard,” but she insisted on going cow tipping anyways. I knew those cops would catch up to her eventually, but that poor old woman just feels better in the slammer. Says it, “helps her shiv game,” whatever that means. Daryl got laid off again. Well, he calls it “laid off.” I call it “lifting boxes at the grocery store in your under britches is gonna get you fired.” Bless his heart, you know his momma was a hippie. In fact, Daryl’s legal name is “Running Wind Johnson.” Which, is cruel - considering his gimp leg and all. Daddy finally retried. The parts store threw him a big party and everything. They had them fancy streamers, a cake and everyone signed a card. I knew he enjoyed himself, on account of him performing all that classic karaoke. “A classic lives in your heart forever,” he always says. And I about think he’s right. I can’t get through one of his Tu Pac covers without a tear running down my cheek. That old pig Mitzi finally passed. But her husband seems alright with it. The mayor came to the town square and we all voted on the difference between a “back road”, an “off road” and “up the road.” Next month we’re gonna finally settle this nonsense about “over a ways” and “just down a bit.” Just what I needed, another new map. Well, that’s all for now. It’s date night and the Walmart don’t stay open all night like it used to. it was really great to talk to you.

No. Not that I know of, at least. I’m saying that the VO crowd tends to be more inquisitive about their marketplace journey. They seek advice - legally and otherwise - to strengthen their chances in the freelance and professional world. That world, by the way, bleeds over more and more everyday. It’s gotten to the point where I work with as many tv shows and albums due to fiverr as I would otherwise. That may seem like a leveling of the playing field, but it isn’t. It means that the playing field has been overtaken by the business professional - and anyone intending to compete better learn the ropes - while everyone clinging to the “professional old world way,” better learn to navigate the market.

“Roll away the stone, don’t leave me here all alone…” We’ve been overrun. Run out. Ransacked. And run off. Our enemy is brutish. Comfortably smug, with their chest’s heaving freely in the open breeze of a town we once held claim to, these barbarians now wear our holsters. Each tip of their hat is a smoldering reminder of our broken municipality… each jagged grin, an effortless pity they hurl like beggars breadcrumbs… They mock us, while wearing our fine coats. They huddle and jeer as we pass by - and it’s back to the hills we go. Our enemy has no sympathy, child. That’s just their way. The way of The Voice Over People. Or maybe, musicians, it’s us. For as long as I can remember, the musicians of fiverr have held no prominent place on the forum. If you’ve ever met a musician, you know exactly why: 1) People who know everything don’t need advice 2) Musicianship is the promise of less homework 3) Asking three musicians to come to a consensus is asking two, too many Throughout the experiment of the fiverr forum’s “audio section,” you’ll find enthralling threads like, “name a bunch of audio gear,” or “take pictures of your microphone,” or “let’s all count to four a bunch…” but what you rarely see is practical advice for musicians, songwriters and production folks that navigate them through the marketplace world. It’s a strange truth about this forum, when in every other category, people are crawling over themselves to unearth some fortune altering guidance. As a Pro/TRS songwriter, I get my fair share of unsolicited messages looking for help. Inevitably it’s always the same message: ”Hello dear sir. My name is Twinkle Toes Moser and I’m a songwriter/performer. My music has been featured on coveted platforms like “The Internet.” My songs are amazing. 2 out of 2 of my grandmothers agree, I’m the next big thing. I write to you today in the hopes that you can focus all your experience into a single paragraph, in order for me to have clients. Or, even better, can I just have your clients? After all, I know a whole song on the piano and I use Pro Tools. Clearly, I’m passed the learning phase. Please write me back asap.” Sure, this message is misguided. It’s even against the rules. But somewhere buried deep is the recognition that Mr. Toes Moser doesn’t have all the answers. So, fair enough, you can’t blame someone for taking shot. Thing is; Twinkle doesn’t want advice. He’s actually on an affirmation tour. What he wants to hear is, “Thank you, oh thank you for writing to me. As fate would have it, I recently ran into record executives - transported directly from the early 90’s at the height of record advances - and they gave me a stack of ‘big star’ contracts to hand out. Not only can you have one, take them all. Don’t change a thing. Everything you’ve ever learned, is in fact, the only things that can be learned. You’ve nailed it. Here’s some money.” But I don’t say that. Instead, I give him the best advice he’ll ever hear: write better songs. This is not what he wanted. So we slip down the “no credits” musician rabbit hole: music is subjective, what’s bad to some is good to others, so and so didn’t know how to play an instrument … on and on, until finally - with no more clients than he walked in with, Twinkle Toes reloads and lives to shoot his shot with another writer, another day. But what if it didn’t happen that way? What if, against all possible odds, this guy would have gotten the advice “write better songs,” and simply asked, “how?” Well, in that unlikely scenario, possibly I fix his sales slump. Or maybe he decides that my method isn’t correct for him, but out there exists a person who can mentor his way. In any case, nothing can negatively result from the asking. It sets about a brand new quest that asks far better questions. In some ways, I’ve always felt that our lack of dialogue here shares a DNA with the stragglers looking for “positive feedback” rather than “productive results.” Chances are, if you aren’t doing well - it comes down to the writing. There’s probably a lack of “product knowledge,” coupled with an inability to provide high quality musicianship on organic instruments. But more than any of that, it probably stems from the fear of being told: you’re not good yet, work harder. Not all of us are going to be great at marketplace environments. There’s a variety of reasons to that, some legitimate - most user induced, but that’s the reality. Not all of us are going to translate our “real world” successes, cuts and sales into this new world medium. Whats even more, most musicians and writers here (and everywhere for that matter) have never had any real world successes. Most of them never will. Most musicians and songwriters are sinking fast. And yet, there’s barely anyone seeking advice. Theres no thread dedicated to avoiding the second verse trap. Or double entendre hooks. Or dual narrative writing. Or bridge purposes. There’s no threads discussing how to qualify customer’s better, when to provide audio samples, co-writing to a good review, expanding to a customer’s network. Many of us have major cuts, pitched major artists, have fairly good sync deals, TV and commercial themes, movie scores and a ton of album placements. It can absolutely translate to fiverr. But you have to know where to spend your energy. Even if it means getting better, doing more and asking how. The folks participating the most are the voiceover people. And while their work can certainly be wide ranging, on just one show I work with - 14 people make up the music department, whereas only one person makes up the VO area. This obvious disparity should have the forum crawling with musicians learning both their craft and the world of marketplace sales. But it isn’t. In a world that loves itself an instant positive feedback loop, no one wants to hear “work harder.” But what if you’re sacrificing our next Stevie Wonder by refusing to seek advice? What if you’re some “rough shape” Prince in the making - waiting for two key pieces to fall into place? What if the difference between feeding yourself with songwriting is in your pursuit to ask how? What if you’re wrong, but your getting it right leads to your artistic and financial breakthrough? Where are the folks actively searching for answers? They’re in voiceover work.

I knew I missed something.

I hope I didn’t disappoint. That’s high praise and tough pressure. I hope I didn’t disappoint in this department either. Though I didn’t engage in the usual “get a pump, angle the camera correctly, use the correct shadows and oil up liberally” methods of my equally masculine tribe. I’ll do better next time.

Warning: The views and opinions expressed by Tommy Jones are not necessarily the views of the panel, the event organizers or fiverr. These views do not necessarily represent “views.” We viewed the “opinions” and our opinion of the “views” are views not shared by those forming an opinion. That’s just our view on it. Tommy Jones appears courtesy of a “weekend pass for people with sleeve phobia.” Any resemblance to a living person with suitable clothing is purely coincidental. The characters and events depicted above are fictitious. This applies particularly to Tommy Jones, who was the victim of brutal sabotage by a rogue cameraman that knowingly and forcefully shot unflattering footage at an angle meant to defile its subject. Tommy also recognizes himself to be that cameraman and is actively pursuing legal council. The information contained within this broadcast is for entertainment purposes only. We assume no responsibility for the irrational decision to “write music” and cannot be held liable for any damages you may incur to your finances, mental health or personal relationships. Watching this video may cause increased desire to write about break ups. It may also cause chronic melody humming, intense “writer’s brooding” and extreme sexiness.

I think we do agree. Although, I’m on sort of a disagreement hot steak, so it wouldn’t surprise me. It’s a marketplace violation. The marketplace should stand by its policies. We agree. But not a forum violation. If people can sell on the marketplace and be banned from the forum, then we have to honor it the other way around in terms of applying the rules. It was a cheap ploy but not one that blatantly asked people to game a situation in public. Maybe if they orchestrated the deal here on message, maybe I can see that. It’s the outcome and where it happened that matters. Their eyes have been pretty blackened for something that doesn’t technically violate forum rules. It will be even worse on the marketplace because it blatantly violates tos. We’ve made it clear that it’s an undesired behavior whether that type of “pretend crisis, rant for hire” thread works or not. It’s not something we would do. That’s us utilizing the free market.

My usual theatrics aside… … inside the context of the original post, nothing that happened is punishable. Yes, it’s an obvious attempt to solicit purchases using thinly disguised excuse making. But that’s just good old fashioned, bad salesmanship. In fact, without the covert actions that followed that thread, we wouldn’t even be discussing it. Because typically, this type of cry baby overreaching wouldn’t work. The fact that it did is what bothers you. But that’s not a forum issue. We can pretend that the forum doesn’t attract sales. It’s a common phrase to teach the “new people.” It’s an attitude that “new regulars” are trained to accept. It’s also false. It’s more fair to say that “bland forum users” don’t attract sales. But none of us are here without firstly being attracted by the marketplace. I’m not about to attack someone for putting their business needs first. I’ll dig at them for the disingenuous way that they did it, but I don’t disagree that being business minded is what we’re here for. The post didn’t break the forum rules. It skirted them. Poorly. But it didn’t break them. The two marketplace members that rigged the system broke the marketplace rules. That’s a marketplace issue. I don’t want to look over my shoulder, should someone reach out to me by seeing me on the forum. Many writers here are demonstrating their skill. That, even when it’s not meant to directly act as advertising, may translate into sales. We’ve seen this 100’s of times in the past ten years. New regulars posing as the new guard of moral virtue - only to be exhausted with the rules and then exhausted with the forum. We can hear them run out of gas before they do. It’s nothing new. Frankly, you probably brought to light a quid pro quo before it went into total execution. I have my own thoughts as to whether fiverr expects that from eager sellers - but those thoughts aside, it’s a technical violation? I guess it depends on the purchase value. Certainly it was designed to look more comprehensive than it was. But you can’t know that until you do. On the other hand, fiverr has an open encouragement of people working together and purchasing each other’s services. It’s widely considered beneficial. So while their behavior had more to do with increasing rankings than cutting deals to grow outwardly, even those conditions are somewhat murky. However, in terms of forum behavior - I just don’t see that we can begin suggesting that people can “almost break rules” and be punished.

1. You’d obviously have impeccable taste. 2. You evidently have two hours to spare. 3. You may, or may not - depending on where you live and the time that you read the hypothetical post, be visited by three ghosts - all warning you to make more contributing life choices. 4. You’re a fan of “thread burlesque…” My specialized brand of forum vocality. Which, in it’s rawest definition, is the act of risqué satire, punctuated by vaudevillian silliness with a dash of absurdist characterizations. 5. You’re a fan of “counterfeit definitions” parading as “making sense.” If you’re reading a mooch post 6. You’re probably reading an arbitrary list. 7. You’re probably questioning my uncanny ability to elicit erotic emotions from my readers, while saying such clunky things as “vaudevillian silliness.” 8. you have questionable time management skills. 9. You’re into “unnecessary completion,” (the act of having 7 funny points but feeling compelled to go to 10). 10. You’ve noticed the inconsistency between my profile picture and my ability to use words. That concludes this weeks episode of “The Shadow” brought to you by the Manhattan Soup company. We now return you to your local broadcast, already in progress

Sorry I’m so late. Traffic was just awful. Did this person game the system? Well, not technically. Not on the forum at least. Sure, they passed off a “request” cosplaying as a “complaint.” And yes, it’s true that there’s probably a secret agreement that was orchestrated by the participants of the transaction. But that transaction was a result of “hidden message” marketing. Was it good marketing? No. So it insults you. And you’re right to feel that way. The whole thing was clumsy and weird. I sympathize with your position. You can’t very well have everyone come to the forum, pretending to issue new content and breaking rules about advertisement. You don’t want me just up and saying, “come to Damooch916 for all of your music needs,” in the middle of some dribbling, word clutter. And while it’s true that my prices are fair and my services are fairer, that just doesn’t fly. Even if my material ranges from lyrics to full productions and my experience is staff writing, high level road work and artist and record firm relations. Who cares if my material has been featured on albums, in films and on the radio? Why even mention it? Sure, I’ve played on thousands of songs - but that doesn’t give me the right to turn the forum into a circus. Though I may be the last of a dying breed; a rogue organic songwriter, oozing with life and squeezing the human experience through every note, you just can’t have me turning this thread into some obvious billboard. That would be wrong. So I understand that you probably have to tighten the belt. Which is a shame. I find it deplorable to take advantage of real interest in the forum arena. I’m here to help if you need me. Back to you at the station Chip.

You’re slightly misinterpreting my comments. Which, is fine. But I prefer you do so through a kaleidoscope, after two shots of espresso, enduring intense short term dementia brought about by severe insomnia and only after excruciating two hour upper body workouts. It’s a monstrous routine that defies all linguistic credibility - and to that end, I’ll give you a pass for misunderstanding any/all of my comments. I will also give you a fancy, “you’ve joined my club” sticker (available where all hasbro toys are sold). Regardless, I’m not referring to the “music and audio” of the existential variety. I don’t mean as a construct or concept. I’m not saying “in these practices entirely, curation doesn’t belong.” I’m referring to the fact that as a section on fiverr, the music and audio clientele is most likely not the music curator clientele. This is precisely because it caters almost exclusively to people creating, contributing to the creation and the completion of music and audio. I was being swift, but cordial and honest (don’t tell anyone … I wouldn’t want to gain a reputation). I wouldn’t have aimed to to discredit curators based on OP’s question. That would be out of place and unwarranted. I only aim to discredit the truly deplorable. And I hardly miss. Had I meant to discount playlist curators, I would have done so with a jackhammer. After pouring acid on all nuance, just to be clear. As for coffee, its widely understood that since 2013 I’ve held the title of “Forum Coffee Czar.” Yes, it’s true that I paid for this title at one of those online “championship belt makers.” But I don’t see why that should hinder me from going around and telling everyone. It’s as legitimate as anything else … I mean … sure, I thought it was a little weird when the belt maker asked for topless photos in exchange for a discount. But every bit helps. It’s actually one of two distinct titles that I hold on this forum. The other being, “people’s champion.” I got the same discount.

Music curation is not a field of “music and audio” because it doesn’t contribute to the design of either. Much like “grocery store employee” isn’t in the field of “agricultural.” My instinct tells me that you’re not going to find a sizable enough audience to maintain a successful trajectory with “curation” on Fiverr’s “music and audio.” But to be fair, my instinct also once told me to start drinking coffee at eight years old. I don’t regret that choice, however, and it allows me the delusion of believing I could have grown to 6’9 without my own intervention. The music and audio field solicits customers needing the services of musicians and audio specialists. They need original work or contribution with their early designs. Your audience isn’t there. I assume that you’re offering services that range from “employer curation” to possible “playlist placement?” In either case, you’re probably better off representing your services as “marketing.” Most music curation operates outside those lines, but your clientele is more likely to consider spending money on those services as “marketing budget.”