damooch916

I may have actually known this to be the case and made the decision to gift you a customized, performative, peacocking rant anyways.

What in the eloquent blue hobbled hell is this? Mike, my most trusted ally; my brother in reason … My stablemate - bound by fates and fury and by the foul descending of the maddened world - where we’ve stood true, our backs pressed in anguish as we’ve fought the purveyors of Utopianism. With their hands stretched forth as they surround us with their heads muddled from intoxicating syrups of lies and fear … Mike is unaware of the writers? Here you stand. Shouting down the hallways of this great palace where our murals will forever be enshrined. Here you call, beckoning the swift witted and the imaginative. Here on the very steps where I’ve poured eviscerations like cheap wine and ripped the soul of any dank-headed jabber mouth that dare challenge our ascendence into forum lore. And yet your call is not for me. Oh! What poison is this bitterness to my mouth! What darkness are these echoed halls alone! Woe, have you wrapped your shrewd wings to smother me with such distress? Do I not feel? Do I not bleed? I’m speaking pre espresso, naturally. Once I’m at the mid day 14 shot espresso mark - I actually don’t feel anything. I also pick up CBS radio signals from 1938, proving my theory once and for all that “caffeine operates on exotic matter that bends spacetime regularly.” Have you spared me this task because of my professional career Mike? Have you evaluated the implications of having a songwriter enter the muggy world of linear word slinging and determined that some alteration may impact the space time continuum? Have you had an apocalyptic vision, been consulted from on high, and determined that our planet’s preservation would ultimately rob me of this fine opportunity? Or perhaps this all boils down to a sub-level songwriter bias. Yes. It’s true. I’m a professional songwriter. And I won’t live in the shadows of shame over it anymore, News Mike (If that’s even your real name). Okay. So I count to four for a living. And I sometimes write the word “ooohhh” onto a lyric sheet and ponder the merits of having pursued English Literature. And sure, I may or may not have performed on the road in theaters and nightclubs that doubled as chateaus of hedonism. And perhaps my contemporaries have the emotional intellect of bread crust (I’m looking at you bass players). Fine. Perhaps I’m a third generation musically obsessive, progression geek, cosplaying as a cutthroat, unmovable alpha-male (or vice versa) who devoted his entire life to using phrases like “let’s build this to the bridge and come out of the solo on the 2minor before the break, chorus, chorus out, hit on diamond,” And worst of all … Yes. I’m a former child perfomer. All that may be true - but above all else, I’m a writer. And every professional songwriter knows that our task is to extract the rhythm of all forms of all writing. We find the tempo of the masters, no matter where they perform their mastery - be it novels, plays, short stories or journalism. We deconstruct the sequences like chord structures and rebuild the pieces to learn their various methods. Because writers write. And any writer not skilled in that practice is a distributor of glitter covered gutter slime. On the other hand… Golden heavens on high, there’s no way I would take that job! I can’t possibly be tasked with legalesing myself into corporate sensibility talk. I literally get paid to navigate the dreams of clients who operate firmly within the realm of a coo-coo clock. And it’s precisely my favorite location in this world. Because (1) I speak “coo coo” and (2) because there’s no way I can take such a decrease in my sexiness index. What’s hotter than some pianist singing wildly trivial pop lyrics while swaying as though the whole event were ethereal? I’ll tell you what, nothing. So, despite your pleas to have me write this for you - I will have to decline. Then I’ll have an espresso. Then do some push ups. Then count to four a whole bunch. End scene.

Well. My intention was to respond to this. More than likely it would have been a bit. Something about folks not understanding how to properly read my threads and then providing a list of things it requires to “understand” a Mooch post. Steps would have included: drinking four shots of espresso, properly stocking your closet with similarly appearing tank tops, practicing your best “Prince side eye after playing a guitar solo” face in the mirror and other such insanity. Then, in the fit of a dark dream, I was pulled into the heinous world of “revision hell.” Revision hell is just like regular hell, except the management has more expectations and the atmosphere isn't as pleasant. Its not something that happens often. I’m one of those sellers who firmly believes in pricing the timid out of the market. But annually, an international society of sick spirited hooligans gather together and devise plans to arbitrate the success of highly rated, top shelf sellers. Their plans are carefully made traps of mind mazes and babble speak. They aim to zap your weekly finances by asking you to make unbelievably bad changes to your otherwise “good” deliveries. It starts simply: “I need a classic rock song.” But then the correspondence mutates. Twisting and shifting until it emerges as a ghastly beast. That’s when the revisions begin: “It’s okay, but what if it was an AC/DC song as performed by an accordion? Can you please make it polka instead?” Thats when the migraines start. Blood boils and weeps from your hardened sockets. Your bones stiffen. Your breath turns to low whimpers. ”Now that I’m hearing it, polka isn’t right. But what if it was like Sinatra meets Wu-Tang clan?” Your skin ticks in restrained blood lust. You plead with yourself, “I don’t offer revisions…” but that’s the game. You’re a hostage - forced to choose between your hard fought metrics and the preserving of your very soul. Until your hope dims like consciousness to a lullaby. It’s only then, with your eyes closed tightly and your strength spilled out around you, when you finally see the cage that you’re encased in. And by then, you couldn’t move even if you wanted to. In any case, that’s where I’ve been. Hope all is well. I’ll see you all soon. I think.

Distinguished fellowship. Loyal followers. Lowly servants. You weirdos from the “Audio” section: I speak to you today with wild eyed possibility and side eyed hope. I come to you here - not as your barrel chested, dreamy gazed King - but as one of you. For through this Kingdom runs the waters of endless aspiration, all leading into our mighty forum river. As we embark upon a new year, we lift our focus upwardly. We hold our backs firm. We grip our office chairs ever tighter and we ask, “did these sweat pants shrink?” That’s not shrinkage. That’s the expansion of potential. As you move forth, braving the hazard and facing the shrewd storm - you may ask, “dude are you really doing this King bit again?” And I may reply, “Damn right I am, this bit is money.” And you offer, “I don’t know. Are you gonna do all those forum rules jokes?” And I’m all, “Yes. I am. You’ll eat it and you’ll like it.” And you go, “You’re not really the King of the forum, Tommy.” And I’m like, “Actually, I am. And your words are treasonous. I sentence you to two years of responding to “why did my ranking position move” threads and a diet of off brand gruel.” And since you’re so curious, you ask - “How can gruel be off brand?” And I quickly submit, “Let’s imagine a lumpy concoction of stale oats, used tuna, burnt rice and a rotten lemon for flavoring. Now imagine, I add any microwave meal from your grocer and stir that with a big spoon. Thing is, your grocer is Walmart. Plus, those aren’t oats. That’s off brand gruel. It’s fearsome stuff. I once had a brother-in-law attempt to survive entirely from off brand gruel in an attempt to build an esophageal immunity. And that’s the story of how I no longer have a brother-in-law.” But of course by this point, my henchmen have apprehended you from the comfort of your own office and it’s during this event when you silently determine, “I guess there really is a King of the fiverr forum.” Anyhoo. Beyond that, you may also be thinking, “King, please honor us with this years new rules, so that we may prosper in a way that will honor you and pour many riches upon our blessed Kingdom.” Since you’ve hypothetically asked so nicely- here are the 2023 “Forum Rules as decreed by King Mooch:” 1. We will no longer ask for the return of the buyers request section. Asking for the buyers request section to replace the brief matching feature is like leaving your predictable husband for the local kidnapper. Spontaneity has its place, but stability has a much nicer one. 2. We will no longer respond to “Help me market” threads. Scratch that. We will now ONLY respond to marketing threads with one line of a Billy Joel song. Each forum enthusiast will contribute a line in its proper order. We will continue until the song is complete, at which time, we will perform another. Give or take, it should be about as entertaining as watching an actual Billy Joel concert. 3. We will all get down on the good foot. Anyone caught getting up on the good foot will report to Human Resources (it’s a guy with meat hook). Getting up is strictly prohibited unless it’s directly linked to “off of that thang.” Likewise, getting down on a foot that hasn’t passed an intense quality assurance test will result in immediate suspension. Also, please submit proper paper work if you intend to “jump back and kiss yourself.” 4. All “What’s your favorite” threads must now be approved in advance. Most “favorite” threads begin as an experiment in community building and descend into itemized accounts of horrific taste. But there are exceptions. Examples include: “What’s your favorite picture of a neighbor that you took while they weren’t looking and how did you break into their bedroom?” And “What’s your favorite 80’s song while dancing bottomless (The answer is “Take on Me” by A-Ha)?” Those threads need no prior approval. 5. We will all stay in our own lane. Face it, no one wants me posting “ten steps to better yoga while freelancing” threads. When you come to a Mooch thread, you have expectations. Snark. Harsh images. Caffeine. Cut throat realism masking as a humorist’s flu symptoms. And by God, there will be tank tops (I do this for you). Theoretically, you’re a creative type. It’s your job to investigate and find a hole to fill with your unique voice. Our voices are taken. Your problem is that you can’t find the hole. Which is always a worse event for the companion than it is for the offender. So please, spare us the awkwardness and just ask. 6. Fiverr Forum violations now include stupid hats. Few things in life are as unforgivable as a bad hat. Sure, it’s annoying when 1000’s of people join hands in a choir of desperation and sing “please don’t ban us for our fraudulent activity.” But now, imagine those same people in bad fedoras. Clearly one is ban worthy, but the other is a threat to humanity. 7. The Fiverr Forum National Anthem is now “It’s a Shame” by The Spinners. As is tradition, you will honor this testament to our noble homeland by gyrating and simulating naughtiness. 8. We will no longer use badges. We will now use “refrigerator stars.” Positive behaviors will be rewarded by sticking one star to your “star chart” located in my kitchen. Five stars will get you a treat. Bad behaviors will result in the removal of one star. I literally just explained the validity of our badge system. 9. Parody lists will no longer be required to have ten items. In fact (and this has nothing to do with general laziness, being over trained or running low on material mind you) I’m completely abolishing the number ten. Ten is a man made construct intended to co-opt your true identity and forcibly wills you into cataloging aspirations that prevent your ability to singularly focus. Plus, ten is smug. It’s all, “I’ve got another digit, so I’m better. I’m pretty.” That’s precisely the type of arrogance that won’t be tolerated in this kingdom. Plus, it’s gimmick infringement. I’ve been doing the conceded “pretty” routine here for a decade. So that’s it. Ten is hereby excommunicated from the forum. Anyone caught using the number ten, speaking to the number ten, or having ten of anything in plain sight - will face the hounds. Ahem. People of this great realm; we go mightily into another year standing unafraid, undeterred and at the exclusion of the Oxford comma. We gather our hopes and sharpen our skills. We polish the dreams that shine so vividly in the basement of our imaginations. We will walk firm. Because we know. We know there is a place where all who dare for greatness are welcome. We know there is a place where the arms of reason spread wide and take you into the embrace you’ve always longed for. We know there is a place where no question is too small. No advice too big. No chance too risk woven. A place that you can call your “home.” A place where the newest entrant can feel the respect of their elders. You, new community member, are the true hero of our beautiful place. For it is you that will take your rightful place beside us and be one with the people you have always longed to become. All you have to do is send 19.99 to my personal inbox and you can receive your “Forum accepted” status. That’s right, new member! I’ve slashed the prices for our new year special and made it incredibly easy to sign up! But don’t wait, supplies are running out. Message me with your payment of 19.99 and receive all the warm respect that all the long standing members have. Imagine, they all paid the rate at a much higher fee - but not you, beautiful snowflake. So hurry fast! Spaces are extremely limited and once they’re gone, they’re gone. Message me your one time payment of 19.99 and reserve your spot today!

Excuse you. I am constitutionally incapable, inherently unable and genetically prevented from writing anything that even slips it’s toes toward the edge of boring. Even that oddly curled over pinky toe. You know the one. That toe that folds and hardens the foot muscle during the derangement of bodily clenched passions; your lips barely brush and your anatomy separates from your essence all but for the contraction of your every muscle? That same toe that locks when you stand up too fast and you’re over forty, and you have a head injury because you hear the neighbor’s dog rummaging through your garbage again, so you crash the door open and charge head long into the fright of facing a startled beast but it turns out that it’s a bear. That toe. Not even that toe dares to tap over the hard rim of boring when I’m at the pen. What you and your cat are experiencing is an organized, possibly clandestine, largely scrambled message that I’ve hardcoded into the syllabic rhythms. Though it’s mostly situated in spaces and subliminally translated by articulating syncopations that increase or decrease around the heart beat from a sub psyche level - you’re understanding and enacting a three part plan exactly as intended. Decoded, It says this: 1) Go get your cat. 2) Hey cat. You’re getting very sleepy. Your eye lids are starting to feel heavy. When you close your eyes, you will be totally comfortable and willing to perform any task that this voice may tell you in concealment. You will go about your average routine and only enact these instructions when humans are not around. Then I gave the cat some very specific instructions. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to disclose any further information. However … just in case, if you notice your cat behaving weirdly, like let’s say - driving a motor vehicle … or if your cat takes a sudden interest in leather jackets and sunglasses … or if it appears that the cat is stuffing large amounts of jewelry into envelops and it suddenly has a PO Box … my strong advice is to just ignore it. Cats do weird things. We, as people, can’t possibly relate to the whims of a cat. I wouldn’t question it. Im just sayin.

The context of my post is that I’m impersonating Dennis Miller doing a rant on posts like my own.

I’m not sure if you’re more pretentious for having made this reference, or if I’m more pretentious for having understood it. Listen Mikey, I’d hate to pound this point harder than Charo’s heels in a publicly funded telethon, but sometimes the professorial schtick gets so thick in here, it should come with a “My first Marxism” pamphlet and elbow patches. Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here - but what’s with our bloviating need to litter the thread with so many 1000 dollar words, that they should come with a teary eye’d Native and a community service sentence? Seriously. I’ve seen less verbally inflated, conspicuous word jabbing at spelling contests sponsored by crack. With the flailing word puzzles and sentences that run on so long they should own a shrimp boat, it’s gotten to the point where our threads have less action sequences than a Woody Allen movie. We’ve become so gratuitously verbal that one would expect a Truman Capote appearance and a visit from the great “Carnac.” We’ve got less solitary word involvement than Zelda Fitzgerald at a Parisian soirée. Are we too infused with the mechanics to just say what we mean? Are we really this overly compensatory, spell checked, half bred cybertronic, Phillip k. Dick manifestation, riding in to virtual environments on animatronic sheep and hive-minding with the locals through transmitted, instantaneous translators for little more than simulated high fives without the possibility of a replicated reach around? Well, not me Charlie-Disney-bot. I refuse to be reduced to believing that life’s best moments are most closely approximated by androids on a boat ride - or that the value of man is to extract his every utterance as he cranks another ten cent word into the two cent coin box. I won’t fuse to the motherboard, concede the space to breathe easy and be put in the attic once my chip hits erosion and my voice starts skipping like Ye’s heart in a world war 2 museum. Of course, that’s just my opinion. I could be wr-wr-wr-wr-wr … error code.

@frank_d get in this thread brother. I saw your comment about having my writing on a playable machine. If that fails, feed the machine Hunter S Thompson, snarky Dennis Miller and gutter low Andrew Dice Clay. That should come out to nearly the approximate tone.

That’s the primary driver of the parody. In all inspirational videos - the key phrase is repackaged in many ways all centered around quotes, slogans and sayings. I’m taking that aspect, the repetition, and demonstrating the absurdity.

@vickieito @williambryan392 @breals @melanielm @theratypist @vickiespencer @vibronx @catwriter @zeus777 @mariashtelle1 @smashradio @fiveroptic1 @donnovan86 @miiila @imagination7413 @katakatica Here is the viewing party thread.

People of earth - this is mooch of the modern inspiration group. Is the video working for you? @visualstudios If the video is breaking up for people - just upload it to your YouTube and post it that way. Then we’ll do our own after we have more content.

Of course. Of course it does. Look guys, if you’re tired of this sloganized, one size fits all, one rule for all types, sort of strange ideas like, “being online will increase your sales,” then imagine how ridiculous we sound when suggesting that, “being prompt is equal to being not prompt.” Heres the reality: in the rush to over correct stupid beliefs (you’ll magically achieve good sales by being online) we’ve created completely wrongheaded, “forum expert” beliefs like, “it makes no difference to a potential client when or if you’re currently available.” That’s just crazy talk. Of course it matters. It matters to me. It matters to my long form clients and it mattered when they found me. Just because it isn’t the “end all be all” for clients seeking out services, doesn’t mean it’s a non factor. Far from it. People are impulsive. How many lesser than industries exist completely because of their availability? More than not. Literally more than not. As the long standing guard here at the forum show room and casino, we’ve allowed ourselves to believe even sillier ideas than the people we hoped to counteract. It’s crazy when we say things like, “being on the forum won’t get you sales,” or “YouTube has no good advice to offer…” or “25 shots of espresso isn’t healthy.” Obviously none of that is true. I’ve made fairly significant money from this forum. I’ve taken plenty of great tips from YouTube and I’ve been approached many times with, “I see that you’re online, can I ask you a question?” Sure, that question may be regarding WhatsApp, a prince, a cashier’s check and maybe my identity will end up on the black market … but I was online when it happened. This. This is the key piece of information in understanding where the “be available” suggestion went from “this will help” to “it’s a must” and why it wasn’t the bad advice that forum echoers would have you believe. Ultimately, the feature proved redundant when fiverr allowed for users to see who was online during the profile vetting process and came to find out that people who prioritize impulse purchases will go out of their way to initialize them. Especially now. Fiverr is currently allowing users to message multiple potential sellers. Your being online is a factor in the message, the response rate and the outcome. Pretending it doesn’t have any impact doesn’t make sense and it’s bad advice. What we really mean is: “being online 24 hours a day won’t be the reason you hit TRS.” There’s a laundry list of factors that go into being amongst the elite in your vertical. Some of them are very real, very exclusive and we do, in fact, keep that information under our cap. Then the rest of it boils down to which side of marketing you want to invest in and your ability to stretch that dollar to its most maximum capacity. And all of that takes a back seat to the most important question of all: are you good at what you do? All of these tiny complexities go into the strange labyrinth that is fiverr success. In some way, all that seemingly insignificant advice plays a minor part that makes the entire whole. Staying online is a fraction of it, that when paired with the many, many other factors of being successful here, will be a part of how you played the game.

In a rare public acknowledgement of erroneous behavior, I admit to having rushed through the new the council appointment process. I wrongly excluded @breals from his earned position on the council. Obviously, I find it crucial to surround myself with people who pronounce “garage” in completely different ways than I do. Or you could just throw them a life preserver and give a cookie to the sole survivor. Regardless, your bleeding heart pumps very differently than mine (which is either due to mine being made of stone, or I’m eating WAY too much meat). Its this difference in philosophy that makes for a great council. As evidenced by the great consortiums like “Lincoln’s Cabinet” or the 1996 Chicago Bulls. It’s in that difference that I can seek to trust your loyalty. Although, you’re still going to have to sacrifice a graphic designer. Sorry about that.

The following program was originally broadcast live. It has been edited for content. By “content”, we mean unsavory language. By “language” we mean: the King did a whole twenty minute rant on the status of modern coffee makers. Frankly, your royal tank topness went bonkers. We’re fairly positive he was attempting standup, but everyone was too afraid to laugh. It had something to do with the amount of water the average keurig pours into your standard coffee cup … and that somehow stood as a metaphor for today’s musical landscape … and that went into the perceived weakening of modern males … and suddenly he was strapping explosives to a coffee maker and shouting, “I love coffee with a real kick!” Anyhoo, here he is, the King of the Fiverr Forum. The majesty of the muscle shirt. The sovereign of soul. The monarch with the most. Sultan Steal Your Heart. The emperor of oomph. The one. The only. King Mooch! Thank you. Thank you. You’re a great audience. Well, I just flew in from the states and let me tell you; my life is crazy. I said, “My life is crazy…” (How crazy is it?) My life is so crazy, it could pass as a law in California. Whats up with California, am I right? Businesses are leaving, law making is intervening in everyone’s personal opinions - and they say the homeless are making tents, plopping down boxes and living anywhere they want. Or as we say in the south, “building a neighborhood.” Seriously people. The south is the only place you can grab a pest inspection and get an oil change - all in the same location. Speaking of disgusting locations, has anyone been to a Starbucks lately? Who was the design mastermind that asked “can we make these places look like an airport bathroom?” But it’s convenient. Soon I’ll be able to tap my foot and get espresso with my reach around. Way to play the time clock, Starbucks. Its cool. These days I mostly just use the Keurig. What a scam this is … (This portion has been edited for, well, for your peace of mind. We now zoom you over to the formal introduction and the King’s actual prepared statements. Yes. It’s gonna be one of those longer than Exodus threads, so just buck up) … And now that we have that out of the way … My loyal subjects… Distinguished guests… Fellow forum Fiverrians… Visitors from that weird forum section for audio nerds … I come to you today, not as a dead-sexy tank top God, with eyes of chocolate storms and a chin molded by the grand architect of thy heavens. No! I come to you as a humble servant of the people. For it was you that bestowed upon me this lifetime appointment of ultimate power and reckless capacity. I mean… it was kinda you. Clearly we didn’t host an election. That would be a little backward, considering the whole, “undivided sovereignty” thing. But know that in my heart, your frivolous opinions and your unanswered questions mean the world to me. They beckon to me as I lay sleeping. And sometimes I have to turn the fan up higher, because the king needs his rest. Plus, I’m listening to a podcast - so, ya know, show some decorum. The king swears, if after 20 episodes I miss finding out who the killer is, all because your dumb request to get your first order came floating in on the breeze … you’re likely to get the Lion’s den. But, I love you. …. As we stand with just days separating us from the promise that the new year brings, we prepare to voyage into the unknowable by reflecting on the many lessons of 2022. We stood triumphantly. We fell thunderously. We exploded into fits of elation. We cried into the pillows of cushions. But above all, we learned. Well, perhaps we didn’t learn. But we still complained over new fiverr policies on the forum, in an attempt to seem knowledgeable. This year saw many changes. * We linked arms and weeped joyful tears as the “Buyers Request” section crumbled from the cliffs of absurdity. * We shielded our faces and fought, with gritted teeth, as Fiverr “matched” us with wildly inappropriate buyers (Seriously fiverr, thank you for matching me with the guy needing advice on his rubber band collection. I took his money, sent him a weight lifting schedule and stuck him on a healthy dose of protein and Prince music) * We sharpened our weapons as the “Business Client” conquered undiscovered lands. * We obsessed over badges that you can neither wear, nor flash at a door man while entering locations so undesirable, they still advertise in neon. * We evaluated various levels of Seller Plus. * We tore through popular tag words. * We created new gigs for a subsection of fiverr users, only to realize that “less” means “less.” * But mostly we just complained about people asking for advice in the “casual conversation” section again. We are, if nothing else, a consistent people. This year we balanced our fiverrian traditions against the rise of the post covid, new world, post modernist new comers. Their generation is an itchy sort. Feverish in their disdain for all things - and eager to join in at the adult table. Their scars are invisible and their mouth’s produce slogans, not of their own design. But you, precious congregation, know this story all too well. You keep your arms inside the vehicle as it moves along - and your expectations will be validated, as most of your new contemporaries will fall into the obscurity awaiting anyone who attempts to command this trip without proper training. For those needing a refresher, the King’s guide to proper forum acclimation goes like this: 1) Know your role. 2) Shut your mouth. Through exhaustive field studies, my council has determined that new members benefit the most from forum usage when they refrain from interaction, whilst moving their eyes in a left to right motion. They call this revolutionary technique: reading. Be that as it may, we did have some breakout stars this year. After much consideration (which is essentially just me, toppled over my coffee bar and waiting for my espresso to brew) I have decided to award council positions to @vickieito and @sunboatrecords. It’s either that or execution. No, you can’t pick execution. My guy wandered off to grab a coffee and told the king there was a cookie with my name on it. That was two weeks ago. The rest of my council welcomes you. They know who they are. I think they know. Naw, they know. Now remember, these appointments aren’t just the delusional musings of some totally self inflated writer; some completely arbitrary garage words designed to take up time between gigs, playfully pretending to be spoken in satire while masking a very deeply seeded feeling of self entitlement, earned through the totally wonky feeling of being applauded for on stage since childhood. No. These designations are very real. They don’t really come with any sense of useable power or anything. Actual work falls to the forum staff … but hey, we get to dress up and make funky titles for people. So it’s all good. …. In some ways, this was a year like any other. We rode through the changes and we felt little impact. We deadlined and dashed. We fielded the same questions, in the same manner, from the same people - with new faces, all while using our most tried responses. It was more of the same. And my, how same it was. But for those of you with the right set of eyes, you know that this year served as the template, the test to usher in rumored changes that seek to reestablish the edges. We’re primed for the waters to shake violently - and some of you don’t swim hardly as well as others. Ask them how. Or better yet, observe their moves. Because the storm is coming and from it, there will be no shelter. Don’t bother arguing the merits of the “old ways…” ask yourself if the successful crop in 2013 are still successful into 2023 and realize that there’s something additional in our ability to ride the wind. It’s called “waving your arms like hell” and it’s still the prevailing low cost method to avoid sinking. Okie-dokie. Lets king around a little bit. As most of you, my unbeknownst subjects, know - part of my responsibilities as King is to proclaim the new edicts. It’s a job I take very seriously. It’s just that, well, I forgot. Look, how was I to know that a “Twin Peaks” marathon would come sweeping through my home? While an “official list” of new 2023 forum regulations may have to wait for January, I still owe you something. Here are some temporary rulings to get you through: 1) You may no longer use the “Casual Conversations” section while wearing business socks. 2) Saturday will now be referred to as spaghet-erday. FYI: it’s bring your own noodle. 3) We’re now accepting applications for our “grown & sexy” section of the forum. Oddly enough, it’s just a book club where we debate Kafka. Honestly, after so many stupid conversations, this is about as sexy as we need things to get. 4) Moving forward, you are only allowed to “ask for advice” after submitting a full video singing the theme to “Frasier.” 5) We will now handle all forum conflict through “thumb wars.” 6) Tuesdays will now feature “movie night” in the Rec center, followed by a discussion. That movie will be the Godfather. Yes, every Tuesday. 7) We are moving the date of our “Peter Falk look-a-like contest.” For number eight, I have a short list of words that have been banned from the forum. These include: Dear (for self evident reasons) first-order (both the first of the orders you aren’t getting and that terrible empire knock off) Please (shocking maybe, but this word only appears on the forum as a disclaimer to some wild request that no one can even satisfy. Ex: “Please make me a better freelancer by teaching me an entire trade and doing my marketing. K, thanks.” Woke (Pro or con is really irrelevant. Let’s just revert back to the original term - idiocy.) Pie-Mucking (I haven’t seen anyone actually use this term, I just want to be ahead of it) And there it is. That brings us to the conclusion of our first, undecidedly annual, year in review. It was a good year. Full of angst and stresses, lessons and elations. It brought us happiness and sorrow and confirmations and those weird pieces of chicken that some restaurants wrap in tin foil. What are those things? I need them in my kitchen year round, ya know, for science. Many of us faltered. And yet, still some persevered. It’s with that uncertainty in mind, that we will face the challenges of a new year, in a new time, but at the same “Bat-Channel.” Fear not, my fiverrian kin folk … for on those fields where the battle is to be fought, I will stand with you. I will fight with you. I might even fight you. Cause, war gets all messy and we didn’t pick a uniform. The point is, we will do it together. Until it’s time to pay the bills. I’m gonna let you handle that part by yourself. Also, I’m not in the mood for guests. But other than that, it’s totally together. To the brave new adventures that await us! And to the 4K restoration of “Rear Window!” Let us celebrate with our coffee raised high. My love and allegiance is with you all. Some? A couple of you. You’re alight in my book, to you all. King Mooch of the Fiverr Forum Realms

Music. That’s it. That’s the reply.

I feel so terrible for you. It’s probably hard to read my expression, as I’m too busy sipping from this well crafted espresso glass that fiverr sends to all the “high earning sellers.” It’s fantastic and quite a homely little edition to this year’s “luxury gift bag.” But I assure you, behind this mug is a sad expression. It must be difficult. Somedays, I wake up in the house I own from my freelance salary, go over to my high end espresso machine paid for by Fiverr’s marketing, make a double shot and let it sit in my self heating coffee cup (that I paid three hundred dollars for on a whim) and I just look upon my three acres of land and fret over the way fiverr knowingly takes advantage of you level two sellers. Don't they know how much they owe you? I mean … dang, I’ll bet you’ve never bought an expensive dog breed just to take a selfie. Or paid a few hundred for autographed socks that you jog in. Or spent five thousand dollars on a workout machine and used it as a fancy dinner table. They’re making you live like an animal. Seriously, what do they think? They deserve 20 percent for all that marketing, infrastructure, their employees, offices, events, beta creations, servers, independent consultants and market research that they give us? Monsters, I say! Sure, I make thousands and thousands and thousands a month from fiverr. But that doesn’t mean the system works. In fact, I read in the news that “systems” were broken because of something called the “patriarchy.” It made me so upset, I almost gave my cleaning lady the day off. Almost. It just humiliates me the way that Pro Sellers, like myself, are treated by comparison. With all of our fancy clubs and corporate cars. That silly credit card they give us. The stupid limos. The paid for vacations. The secret get-togethers. The in person meetings with customer service. That pompous spa package. And the paid benefits, ugh so cringe worthy. But it’s not the high life it portrays itself to be. I’ll have you know, the last corporate retreat featured nothing but 80’s bands. None of which have had a hit since the actual 80’s. Trust me, the last people you want at your dinner table is “Tommy Tutone.” They ate all the caviar and didn’t even order a champagne worth drinking. Not to mention, it took me over a week to get Shelia E’s perfume off my dinner jacket (and her impervious lipstick still won’t dissolve from my collar). Life can be tough. What I’m saying is, I get it. You have every right to feel upset. Some folks try and try and watch their dreams of independence boil into a half-written whimper on the forum. While others sit mighty, on chairs with motorized muscle massagers, laughing with their favorite fiverr customer service representatives (that we have on speed dial) and taking all the money and marketing for ourselves. I guess it’s just the way that life is - but luckily for you, you’ll never experience the overwhelming glee that accompanies being treated like a fiverr-god. So you’ll never have to miss it. And that makes me happy for you. Good luck on your journey. And don’t worry about getting your spot filled… … those spots don’t even count in the algorithm. Take care dear soul. Tootles.

Not in the forum they aren’t. I demand painted faces, weird and economically friendly costumes and totally inaccurate attempts to recreate popular characters with terrible results.

I apologize. Apparently I got hopped up on the pumpkin spice and inadvertently mistook this venue for a place of interesting things. I now return you to some invigorating thread on “why your failed marketing is Fiverr’s fault,” or whatever. False alarm.

It’s that time. Show us, the wise and all cynical fiverrian council, your Halloween costumes. Or … ya know, just post a picture of yourself rolling your eyes over the immaturity of this post. We’ll accept either. (Remember to keep things decent. Or don’t and light yourself into the forever fire of glory as you blaze out brilliantly. We love the pretty lights)

You need help? With orders? Here in the specifically designed, completely obvious, buyer designated section, on a thread dedicated to buyers with the literal word “buyers” in the title? Well, let it never be said that your flawless attention to detail has ever led you astray … because … You've come to the right place! I have just the thing for you: If having zero prospects has you down … if buyers passing you over has you feeling blue … if you’re tired of watching the extremely talented get all the money while you get all the heartache … try “Getupoffyourass.” Our patent pending formula has been scientifically proven to do more things than less things. In fact, in a clinical blind survey “Getupoffyourass” was 93 percent more effective than competitor brands. And those people couldn’t even see! But don’t take our word for it. Here’s world renowned celebrity Wolfman to tell you about his own experience with this exciting product: “RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!” You said it! Our ingredients are all natural, eco-friendly and there’s no risk to try! But wait, THERES MORE! If you act now, we’ll throw in one free trial of “Stopyourwhining” as a free gift to you! Nine out of ten doctors agree that “Getupoffyourass” is safe, effective and poses little to no risk. Stop waiting. Stop wanting. Try “Getupoffyourass” today! Available whatever espresso is sold. (The above statements have not been approved by the food and drug administration. Use at your own risk. Void where prohibited. Don’t cross on red. Look before you leap. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. May cause: exhaustion, inflated confidence, shelter, goal oriented desires and the wearing of indoor sunglasses)

“Let’s go film that stingray.” - Steve Irwin

I can tell that you’ve been busy. No problem. I shouldered the burden of expanding your review of my piece for you. You’re welcome. “Few artists deal in mania with the romance or magnitude of Tommy Jones. When he’s behind the pen, Jones is a frontiersman wielding aces in a game that is sure to decline into gun fire. He’s the traveling medicine barker, dealing in doomed magics and dark reckonings. He’s the ringmaster in a celebration of human curiosity. He’s both the huntsman and the hunted. Jones’ latest work “Apology Ballad,” is a stinging bit of satire, wrapped in a poem length short story. It tells of a recently separated man in the agony and revelation of his wrong doing. Accompanying the narrator like an ever present houseguest is “silence.” Jones gives foreboding attributes to this wordless companion and devises a makeshift ghost story in the framework of an apology letter. The result is bleak and all-of-the-sudden terror invoking. And when your senses have been heightened and your hair raised, Jones delivers a punch line so swift, you can’t even believe you’ve been swindled. Your short story is actually a joke. And with that, Jones rides off to fight again. It is this fine precision that makes Jones so dangerous. “Apology” is a tight-rope act where, with any given word, our author may fall into eternity. Yet, he moves forward. Creeping confidently into your psyche, extracting your deepest secrets and vanishing before your very eyes. He’s cut throat and vulnerable. Terrible, powerful yet human … … With his exuding exoticism, Jones becomes the very fever that your mother warned you about - and still, you’d risk death to catch it.” I really appreciate your kind appraisal of my work. Thank you. I shall cherish this review for always. Tommy

Oh. Well, no I typically never mean that. I usually mean the smoldering hot, blackish substance made by me from my coffee cup.

To be fair, I had a great grandmother that could use honey with such dexterity, that the singular word could alter the entire context of her statement. In no particular order, honey could mean: 1. Pathetic 2. Beautiful 3. Naive 4. Plain stupid (which, as I learned when I moved to the south, is different than just ‘stupid.’ Just stupid is expected. ‘Just plain stupid’ is unexpected. Yes, I forced an actual explanation of these variances) Honey could also mean statements. Like: 1. I love you 2. I’m not sure that I like you 3. What are you wearing? 4. Is that a real idea or are you having a stroke? 5. That was amazing. 6. Stop behaving this way, we’re in public. Its impossible to know which usage this fiverrian is aiming at. But I’m going to put my money on the idea that in this context, “honey” means “dear.”

I want to try it. Here is my first draft of “apology ballad: a story of terror and treachery - for Dorothy.” Dear Dorothy- Silence is a relentless companion. It walks the halls of our home, sliding it’s hand across the walls where your laughter would echo and burst into the nothing. It follows me … room to room, day to day… playing it’s strange beat to the rhythm of my fading heart. Silence whispers. It taunts. It talks to me where words dare not tread. It knows the chambers of my soul and thrashes about, pouring memories into my sleeping eyes and flooding my ears with your sweet voice. It sits with me in darkened rooms. It sucks in the light from a nearby window and casts a fog into everything it touches. Silence is the absence of footsteps standing beside the slippers you keep at the door. Silence is the absence of your hair swooshing and the mockery of a lifeless brush laying still on your vanity. Silence is the dryness of your unused morning cups. Silence is the cold of my body without your arms to glide along my frame. Silence is the promises we made, living in the shards of our broken pictures. Silence is the victory of my defeat - and it sings it’s song for no one with each passing moment that we live apart. Silence is everywhere Dorothy. Because silence is my life without you. Sorry I slept with your sister. Love, Bob I dunno. I think I might have a real knack for this apology thing.