The ultimate buyer questionnaire!

[damooch916]

Buyers. Who are they? Where do they come from? Are they flammable? 

These are the questions in the heart of every freelancer. 

While fiverr does a tremendous job of offering buyer insights, the common freelancer can find themselves wondering, even wishing that they knew more about their potential customer - all in the hopes to offer unparalleled service. 

Well, wish no more! 

Presenting the latest in “Mooch-tronics, path of some resistance, proprietary technologies:” it’s the “Buyer Questionnaire!” 

With this simple survey you’ll instantly gain access to new levels of intuition, develop a deep psychological awareness of your customer’s perspective and shake out problem areas before they ever occur! Take your service, your sales and your success to the next level with these easy to read questions. 

Try this totally free, totally life changing survey on your customers today! Just simply copy and paste to your next potential client and watch your sales change before your very eyes! 

 

Let’s begin. 

 

Warning: “Buyer Questionnaire” is for human buyers only. Do not use “Buyer Questionnaire” on large turtles. “Buyer Questionnaire” is not responsible for any damage that may result from your turtle receiving “subliminal messages,” turning aggressive and engaging in criminal activity. In fact, you sound nuts to even suggest that a completely legitimate company like “Mooch-tronics” would waste our time with hidden messages. What do you think, I’m trying to secretly hypnotize a bunch of sellers into doing my bidding by placing a scrambled message into the questions below and I realized that it has incredibly terrible effects on turtles when my first test subject fell perfectly into trance after getting halfway through my survey but his turtle escaped and drove a human size vehicle through the freeway going the wrong direction? 

Well, that’s just hearsay. 

What? No man - you’re a fake company. 

Anyways, no turtles. 

 

                            Buyer Survey 

Hello (customer name)! Below you’ll find a quick set of questions. By answering these questions, you’re ensuring that our time together will result in incredible service, guaranteed to exceed your every expectation. Please answer in honest, complete sentences and choose the option that best represents your answer where applicable. 

 

1. How did you hear about my service? For “fiverr suggestion” write “fiverr suggestion.” For “word of mouth” write “word of mouth.” If it was my ex, well Tina, the jokes on you. That profile picture doesn’t even look real. What type of a moron takes a picture that ugly and willingly messages people without dying of embarrassment mid-sentence? 

 

2. On a scale of 1 to 10, how important are revisions to you? If you answered any numbers between one and ten, including one or ten, that number can now represent the amount of revisions you won’t be getting while working with me. 

 

3. How important is prompt reply messages? Extremely important - mostly important - somewhat important - not very important. Please take your time to consider these options while I watch “Cheers” reruns (approximately four). 

 

4. When was the last time you wrote a negative review? Have you ever revisited a negative review to reappraise your seller? Did the seller look like they work out three hours a day, have a full barrel chest, come to your house, drive you to a balcony, dangle you like a cheap ornament while wearing ear-plugs to muffle your dumb crying and explain why you needed to be nicer? Choose your words carefully please. 

 

5.  What did you think of the newest Batman movie? Were you pleasantly surprised that despite its somewhat divisive press, little to no woke elements anchored the film without a full investigation of both perspectives? Were you also glad to discover that the film went to great lengths to legitimize the character portrayals, including stripping all homogenized elements from Gotham life, without repackaging the David Fincher filmography? Did that ultimately make “The Batman” a better film than “Joker” in regards to the latter’s egregious use of Martin Scorsese influence? 

 

 

(Note to sellers: this is a trick question. The answer is - “Michael Keaton is Batman.” 

 

6. Openness: would you consider yourself “open” or “not open” to hearing ideas that may differ from your original vision? In some cases, I may make suggestions to prevent you from your twiddling amateur instincts. These ideas may be shocking, because good ideas are as foreign to you as an extraterrestrial life form. If your ideas were good, I’d be coming to you and bothering you while you’re just trying to have coffee - and ask a billion dumb questions designed to make me sound like I know what I’m talking about. But I’m not coming to you. Bottom line is, I’m not doing any of that garbage heap that you just asked for. You’re welcome. I just need to know if I should tell you now or just send this to you. 

 

7. Do you plan to converse by video conference? Well, stop it.

 

8. Which is true: “I take criticism well.” “I do not take criticism well.” In establishing your ability to handle critique - I can determine if any additional “add-on’s” are necessary for this job. These add-on’s may include:

 

Dash your hopes and dreams in a cheery voice- $40 

Ruin your self image without you realizing it - $80 

Not tell you anything and physically hold my tongue in order to not have you leaping from a tall building - $200 

 

9. Two trains leave two identical stations at exactly the same time - equally apart from four states away - and traveling at 59 mph. Which train contains the jerk-face who will inevitably ask me to redeliver my order in a different format? 

This completes your “buyer survey.” You are now ready to receive service that will defy all your expectations. Depending on your expectations. Lower is probably good. Let’s start with lower. Then we’ll settle in to a cool “medium” level of expectations and finally we’ll settle on, “I guess this is what I wanted, I dunno - this guy sounds aggressive.” 
 

Thank you for participating! I eagerly await your positive review of my performance. I know I can count on you to do the smart thing. 

Edited February 19, 2023 by damooch916

[newsmike]

5 hours ago, damooch916 said:

(Note to sellers: this is a trick question. The answer is - “Michael Keaton is Batman.” 

Yeah but who is James Bond? Answer carefully, as wrong answer = you are dead to me. 

Edited February 19, 2023 by newsmike

[damooch916]

2 hours ago, newsmike said:

Yeah but who is James Bond?

That’s easy. James Bond is Bruce Wayne’s alter ego - which he developed as a means to train, learn about the latest in weapons tech and to enhance his spy skills. This is precisely why James Bond looks so different all the time. It’s a shill identity created specifically to train superhero’s.
 

In other words - the answer is Michael Keaton. 

[newsmike]

58 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

That’s easy. James Bond is Bruce Wayne’s alter ego - which he developed as a means to train, learn about the latest in weapons tech and to enhance his spy skills. This is precisely why James Bond looks so different all the time. It’s a shill identity created specifically to train superhero’s.
 

In other words - the answer is Michael Keaton. 

Please report to room 305 for reprogramming:

[damooch916]

15 minutes ago, newsmike said:

Please report to room 305 for reprogramming:

You’d have a better chance of walking through the mountainous regions of hell with anchors tied to your ankles, than you would convincing me that 9 out of every 10 questions in life aren’t correctly answered by just saying “Batman.”