A Question for Grammar Experts

[viser1000]

I have this sentence:



(This describes a crack on the ground due to an earhtquake)



“It continued like a fast snake, crawling right up onto the concrete sidewalk, splitting open

into a deep, three-foot wide crevice.”

• The word crawling sounds wrong, because snakes don’t crawl right? But then again crawl could mean something else like moving really slow… But then the crack did move like a fast snake. Any suggestions? I’m thinking “slithering” but something at the back of my head tells me it’s a bad choice, can you please tell me why? (technically)
  
  
  
  Thanks!
  
  
  

[emeraldawnn]

What about something like this:



It continued like a fast snake, slithering right up onto the concrete and causing a deep, three-foot wide crevice to appear (or open up).



Mind you this is thinking fast and tired 🙂

[mirenbaines]

"It continued like a fast snake, crawling right up onto the concrete sidewalk, splitting open

into a deep, three-foot wide crevice."



I don’t think the analogy fits for what you are attempting to say. How about attempting to re-define the entire sentence with a different comparison altogether?



"The horror it inflicted was mind numbing as the cracks spread out like varicose veins, creeping onto the sidewalk before splitting it open into a deep crevice, as if something awful were to explode from its three foot wide nightmare."



If someone was to explain the terrible experience of an earth-quake, then you would like the reader to be a part of such a scene. The use of a snake, while it kind of works, it doesn’t create the real effect of what an earth quake brings to the psyche. ( I have been through 4 in the pacific and they are not fun).

[viser1000]

Reply to @kjblynx:

kjblynx said: When I read this allowed the pause for the comma after "sidewalk" it feels strange.

This came from a British writer, I am trying to rephrase some parts which doesn't seem to sound right(imo)... Maybe he placed those pauses based on his accent so that's not the problem. I'm not sure, I am just confused. I'm trying to remember a metaphor I've heard somewhere which sounded nice to me but a grammar dude explained why it was bad. It was something like this. Especially in this part, ""It continued like a fast snake, *slithering(<---- bad because it's redundant or something... Like we all know snakes slither so if the crack was already compared to how a fast snake moved why even bother elaborating what is already obvious? - not sure)...

emeraldawnn said: What about something like this:

- My confusion lies in the word 'crawling' (or slithering) and how to move from there ^_^ Thanks though :-)

mirenbaines said: "The horror it inflicted was mind numbing as the cracks spread out like varicose veins, creeping onto the sidewalk before splitting it open into a deep crevice, as if something awful were to explode from its three foot wide nightmare."

- That was cool... But the character isn't afraid during this scene. He firmly believes earthquakes never occur in London and so during this event he is more confused than horrified. Thanks though :-)