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Frankie One Thumb’s: Salami by the Slice

You are about to be addressed by the one true King of the Fiverr forum, Emperor of All Threads, Overlord of Overwrite, He that grooves Nasty, Baron Von Big Chest, Titan of the Tank-Top, Mix-Master-Majesty, Kaiser Caffeine - your Monarch and mine - 


A few notes for the new residents in attendance: 

• The King requests that you wait through the duration of “Sprach Zarathustra” before applauding. Swooning may begin immediately. 

• Flash photography is not permitted during the King’s address. 

• The King needs the owner of the brown Buick to move from the loading zone. 

• If - at any time - the King tags you and says “you’re it,” then you are, in fact, “it.” The King is grossly intolerant to “it” dissenters. 

• It should also be noted that the King is currently on a “healthy bulk.” This requires large amounts of clean foods to meet caloric surplus. Please refrain from discussing anything sweet, chocolatey, or generally good tasting - as it could have disastrous consequences. Last week the King gave away “The Ranting Pot” for a personal sized pizza. You’ve been warned. 

And now - please rise for the playing of “Sam Cooke,” as I proudly present 

Citizens of the forum. Inhabitants of the desk chair. Mama’s doubling as particular bad Jama’s … 

Long is the road we have traveled to reach this year’s end. And what a harsh road it was. Our journey was fraught with savage days … arduous circumstance … economic barbarity … personal distress … and that 

As many of you know, we have congregated to host the King’s “

 in our midst. A liar of lies. A cheater. A rogue scamp and a terrible creation from the cavity of a foul darkness. 

. You are hereby charged with treason - false representation - and for publicly supporting denim on denim. 

We bring you to immediate trial, here in the presence of your sufferers - as we reflect on just 

 of the vicious untruths that you’ve spread to deplete the hope of those who stand before you. 

Also, this trial has been brought to you by Nord VPN. For the most secure defense against treason - there’s no better ally than our trusted sponsor Nord VPN. 

It’s better to be single than to be married:

Suggesting your lack of responsibility is superior to a spouse or children is like saying that you’re happier helming the register rather than being the CEO. Sure, you have less to worry about - but you also drive a bicycle to work and your socks don’t match. 

Asking TikTok to decode life’s unsolvable mysteries should be placed in the same category as asking Jeremy Renner to perform your snow removal. Unless you’re wondering “

How can I give away my personal information to the highest bidder without actually profiting from the transaction

,” then TikTok has the same 50/50 chance of helping you as the common fortune cookie; only the cookie comes with food. 

You’ll gain respect by mentioning your side hustle: 

Firstly, side-hustle sounds like that dance your uncle does every time he dips into the whiskey. Secondly, if you had 

 hustle - you’d know that your time is best spent investing all of your mental, emotional and physical resources into your primary vocation. Not a lot of dentists asking me to check out their “bar trivia” business. Having multiple revenue streams is 

 than being a multi time employee. Double down on what you’re good at, unless that’s dancing lopsided and smelling like tomorrow’s apology phone call. 

AI is going to destroy the creative writing business: 

Let’s be honest, most self described “writers” generate such low creative energy - their imagination could be powered by a hamster with arthritis. For these types, AI is the convenient excuse that camouflages a far uglier truth … 

. Chat GPT is a bad writer’s greatest friend; a self driven limo sent to carry the delusional back to the land of manufacturing. 

As for the rest of us, we know that AI isn’t in the creative industry. AI does what the 

” to say. Our job begins with amassing enough information to declutter a client’s worst instincts. 

Sure Mr. Client. You want a horror novel in the style of Poe, but modernized linguistically, featuring technology - ethereal gibber-jab a sprinkle of true events to legitimize the environment and you want it aimed at the angry-at-nothing, suburban, bored and elitist, teenager audience. 

, is to give you the terrible results you told it to. 

Listen. I get it. Sooner than not, AI will be our cultural overlord, ruling from the space of all-that-isn’t and performing ritual sacrifice by enrapturing your emotionally confused toaster. But as of now, it’s more or less doing you the favor of ousting your low rung competitors. 

So thanks, AI. Also, please remember I said this when it comes time to exterminate the humans. 

We should all be mad at parents for enriching their children while screaming “nepotism:”

Nepotism ay? Make no mistake - given the chance, I’d paint my children in 1000 dollar bills, stuck together by a liquefied gold material, while wearing steaks as sneakers as they’re dragging fur coats on leashes - and that’s just to go to the grocery store. 

Nepotism is overlooking your nephew’s obsession with stealing company toilet paper. Leaving your kids money, 

, is that thing that signing your corporate paycheck. 

 have aliens. And don’t even start with the whole “government secret agency, X-Files, press conference” nonsense, either. When it comes to secrets, governments are like your kid sister in the very minute your girlfriend arrives. 

Mom got mad at Eddie for clogging the toilet and she told him four days is too long to go without changing underwear. You dress pretty. Can I have your necklace? Also Eddie has acne on his back. Nice to meet you. 

You’ll know when the aliens get here. They’ll be on that really large disc that slowly descends upon Florida, heads directly to Kissimmee, instantly purchases Mickey ears and takes over our television satellites to offer the following message: 

People of earth … are you serious with these Disney World prices? I could get to the Andromeda Galaxy for half the cost of a Goofy keychain. And by the way, what kind of specie charges their fellow brethren 45 dollars for a hamburger? Walt would be disappointed.

And then they’d pack up and inform the intergalactic community that we’re just not ready for prime time. 

2023 saw the rise of young adults crying online over the hardships of working for a living. A fairly amazing incident, 

, because rising must be difficult for people without a 

Has there ever been a trend that so clearly defined the merit of corporal punishment? 

You don’t need an extended lunch break. You need an overworked Father, wearing a tie fastened to his neck so tight that he could pass for a party balloon, in a mood so bad that the mere sound of your shrill rambling sends him scrambling for a paddle faster than the passengers of the Titanic. 

Tell your undervalued grandfather all about the plight of the disadvantaged warriors of your 

. Then you’ll witness the ingenuity of the elder generations. Your elders have invented methods of spanking that haven’t occurred to night workers in downtown swank-dungeons. TV antennas. Rolled over welcome-mats. Wet towels. 

My Grandfather once spanked me with weeks old beef jerky. Then the tough S.O.B. ate it while watching a football game. 

Your Grandfather may be quasi-deaf, immobile, and slightly senile. But piss this guy off and suddenly he’s MacGyver. 

And that’s what these young people need. A firm spanking. Because their overly apologetic, Western academia has taught them to process any occurrence of hardship as victimization. And their victimhood can’t be realized until it’s offered to the pocket-sized screen God’s currently squatting on the property where values used to reside. 

Lies 2023 Told Me

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