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And now from the desk of the “truly” casual… 

Here’s a list of things that no one told me before becoming a bodybuilder: 

I have to smile more - otherwise you might think I’ll hurt you. 

As a musician, I spent years developing my “deep thought” look. You know that look right? It’s somewhere between “considerate reflection” and that face you make when you’ve walked into a room but can’t remember 

. As a bodybuilder - this look was first to go. Bodybuilders spend an enormous amount of time “fake smiling.” Otherwise - it’s just a room full of people assuming I’m in the process of turning green, breaking something and losing my pants. 

2. You start counting reps even when the activity doesn’t include them. 

, caught myself counting spoon stirs, toothbrush strokes, steps to my kitchen, food bites and less “mundane” reps than the aforementioned. I won’t consider this a problem until I’ve written down my “max rep” in a fitness journal. 

About twice per day, I’m stopped by a random stranger to ask me about: work out tips, supplements, my bench press, but most notably - for confession. 

People feel compelled to tell me that, “they used to look like me and they plan to do it again.” I always smile and offer encouragement … but the truth is, I’m keeping a list and I plan to follow up. So before you go telling me “I’m gonna get back in shape,” just remember: I 

 where you live slappy, so make with the push-ups. 

4. I might look like I’d break you in half - but the truth is, I’d have to warm up for twenty minutes to actually do it. 

5. Suddenly you lift every thing equally. 

Once you’re at the point where you switch hands when bringing in the groceries - 

because you need the “reps” to be equal 

I once switched my car keys from one hand to another - just to “even out the weight.” Then I laughed at myself. 

Then I looked at my arms in the mirror just to be sure.

6. After every meal, I’m afraid I’ve become fat. 

Speaking of the mirror, here’s a literal conversation that I’ve had with myself more than once: 

Well, you’ve went and done it. Now you’re fat. 

Me: But the whole dinner was grilled chicken and salad. 

You don’t know that. You didn’t read the bags. 

 read the bags. The bags said “chicken and salad.” 

Salad is a code word for sodium. And sodium is the scientific name for “your disgusting stomach.” 

I don’t know. Bend over and hold it next to your fat face - this way we can see if they resemble each other.

Those aren’t abs. Those are folds attempting to escape from your ugly stomach. 

Me: I dunno, mirror me. You’re not very nice. 

Which totally sucks, because now that you’ve made us fat, I could have used one of those bubbly personalities. 

Bodybuilding is the science of unlearning everything you knew in one article: 

 and heavier reps are better for toning. 

BCAA’s are amazing. Glutamine is a requirement. Vitamins are absolutely crucial. And serious training means serious supplements. 

Wait, scrap that. According to this article: 

What’s the best rep scheme? The right macros? The true workout aides that will actually perform? 

Everyone subscribes to what works for their particular genetics, experience and results. Unfortunately, that lesson cost me tens of thousands of dollars. 

8. I’m only happy when everything hurts.

You know that friend of yours … the one who associates dissociative, sociopathic loser, Peter Pan syndrome having, Mommy issue trauma clambering, no job prospect wielding, gutter men with the term “

Ya know how she can’t seem to realize that a wire got tripped somewhere and she only seems capable of love when it includes high levels of pain, mistrust, physical abuse, apology and elevated heart rates? 

You know how she constantly makes excuses and refuses to see that her “soul mate” is incapable of any mature feelings, much less outward 

. And the terrible boyfriend is bodybuilding. 

9. Cheat meals are the most dangerous drug. 

Nine out of ten doctors agree that consuming even one donut could create a physical dependency. 

With that said - I’m thinking of starting my own 12 step program for it. But mine will have 200 steps, because we’ll need the cardio. 


This completes that top nine folks. So until next time - keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. 

Things that no one tells you about bodybuilding.

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