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I thought some of you might like this British news story


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Warning: a very rude word is in the headline, but if you like drunk vicars gone bad and getting into a punch up with paramedics and police stories while ranting semi-incoherently about the Vatican, this one is for you.

Court News UK – 3 Jun 16

Drunk vicar: 'I'm from the Vatican, you're f**ked' - Court News UK

A Church of England vicar shouted: ‘I’m from the Vatican, you’re f*cked’ as he brawled with police after a vodka-fuelled nightclub binge. Parish priest Gareth Jones, 36, yelled: ‘I have diplomatic immunity’ as he punched, kicked, bit and spat at a...

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“Fearing for his safety, Mr Pollock mounted the violent vicar in the street in a desperate attempt to subdue him”

I’m not sure what to make of that and I don’t think I want to know…

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It’s courtspeak for “I jumped on top of the drunk vicar so he would stop kicking me in the leg”. That earned him constant arm-biting and spitting (I’m not sure where the spittle landed). Paramedics and police have a tough job in Britain’s cities on the weekend.

I like the constant references to “growling” too, when he was probably bellowing awa.

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All that said, I do hope the vicar recovers from his issues. I’ve always thought a good man of the cloth should have issues in his/her past. It would really help when ministering to the down and out when preaching the word and help. As it is, the poor fellow will likely be kicked out and continue his descent so that the church can continue to be impeccably moral. Cough.

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Ah priests…

That’s it for me. I have far too many bad things to say about the bunch that it wouldn’t be polite to continue.

I mean come on, as soon as someone says you need to wear a dog collar to get into Heaven, you know you’re in for trouble.

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Ah, the Brits!!! I love hanging out with the Brits!

“Bob’s your uncle”
This silly slice of British slang is impenetrable to the uninitiated. In essence, it’s a tongue-in-cheek fanfare used to draw attention to something notable that has happened. Translation: “Ta-da!” Curiously, its use is in no way dependant on you the recipient having an uncle, or any other relative, named Bob.

“Knees up”
Synonymous with “party” and sometimes prefixed with “Right ol’,” this turn of phrase is, I suspect, nodding at what revelers do with their knees when they dance. Quite possibly “Shindig”, another leg-centric British expression meaning merrymaking event, was coined in response to all that uncoordinated Anglo foot flailing.

“Chin wag”
Meaning to talk to someone in an intense, gossipy manner, this expression alludes to the involuntary chin wiggling that can accompany full-on yakking. I ran this one past an American friend the other day and she said it made her picture a dog’s tale coming out of a human chin. Ten out of 10 on the baffle-ometer, Brits!

“Get stuffed”
If we’re annoyed with someone, but not quite annoyed enough to tell them to f*** off, we might suggested they do this instead. It’s unclear who should perform the stuffing or what materials they should use. Still, it sounds unpleasant enough for the person on the receiving end to get the idea. Americans would be forgiven for thinking this was some kind of turkey-related jab, especially at this time of year.

“A total cock up”
If we Brits perform a job badly, this is the go-to phrase to describe our efforts. It has nothing to do with boy chickens (unless your badly executed task was somehow poultry related) or, erm, anything else male. To American ears, however, this sounds like the title of a DVD you’d hide under the mattress.

“Nice one”
Do something to my satisfaction and I might offer up this underwhelming compliment in return. When Brits says something is “nice”, we generally mean, “It is good.” Use it on an American and they’ll react like they do when you say “cheers” instead of “bye. ”

“I’m chuffed to bits”
Read: “I am pleased with what’s happened”. As far as I’m aware, the word “chuffed” doesn’t exist in American vernacular. But it onomatopoeically suggests the release of trapped air, so will likely lead Americans to think you’re confessing to a recent gassy episode. Fittingly, “chuffed” is also British slang for “farted.”

“I’m not being funny but…”
The “funny” here means peculiar rather than hilarious. We Brits use this phrase to soften the complaint or insult that will inevitably come after it.

“I’ve got the hump”
This beauty is probably the most stupendously British phrase in existence. It says so much about us as a people. Rather than tell people outright, “I’m mildly annoyed,” we cloak our feelings in silliness. Still, what a criminally underused and funny word “hump” is. If you like, America, we’ll lend it to you.

“The dog’s bollocks”
By now Americans have caught up with what it is exactly Brits are referring to when we use the “B” word. So it must be alarming to learn that we regularly take the term, metaphorically attach it to a mutt, and expect them to know that it means we think something is the absolute best.

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