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Lies 2023 Told Me


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The following has been brought to you by “Frankie One Thumb’s: Salami by the Slice” and by viewers like you. 

Attention: You are about to be addressed by the one true King of the Fiverr forum, Emperor of All Threads, Overlord of Overwrite, He that grooves Nasty, Baron Von Big Chest, Titan of the Tank-Top, Mix-Master-Majesty, Kaiser Caffeine - your Monarch and mine - King Tommy “Mooch 1” Jones. 

A few notes for the new residents in attendance: 


• The King requests that you wait through the duration of “Sprach Zarathustra” before applauding. Swooning may begin immediately. 

• Flash photography is not permitted during the King’s address. 

• The King needs the owner of the brown Buick to move from the loading zone. 

• If - at any time - the King tags you and says “you’re it,” then you are, in fact, “it.” The King is grossly intolerant to “it” dissenters. 

• It should also be noted that the King is currently on a “healthy bulk.” This requires large amounts of clean foods to meet caloric surplus. Please refrain from discussing anything sweet, chocolatey, or generally good tasting - as it could have disastrous consequences. Last week the King gave away “The Ranting Pot” for a personal sized pizza. You’ve been warned. 

And now - please rise for the playing of “Sam Cooke,” as I proudly present King Mooch. 

••                                                                  ••

Citizens of the forum. Inhabitants of the desk chair. Mama’s doubling as particular bad Jama’s …


Your King has returned.


Long is the road we have traveled to reach this year’s end. And what a harsh road it was. Our journey was fraught with savage days … arduous circumstance … economic barbarity … personal distress … and that atrocious Haunted Mansion movie.


As many of you know, we have congregated to host the King’s “End of Year” pronouncement. 


But today, my loyal Fiverrians, we gather to expose a traitor in our midst. A liar of lies. A cheater. A rogue scamp and a terrible creation from the cavity of a foul darkness. 


I’m speaking of you, 2023. You are hereby charged with treason - false representation - and for publicly supporting denim on denim. 


We bring you to immediate trial, here in the presence of your sufferers - as we reflect on just some of the vicious untruths that you’ve spread to deplete the hope of those who stand before you. 


Also, this trial has been brought to you by Nord VPN. For the most secure defense against treason - there’s no better ally than our trusted sponsor Nord VPN.


Let the Trial of 2023 begin! 

      Lies 2023 told me


1. It’s better to be single than to be married:


Suggesting your lack of responsibility is superior to a spouse or children is like saying that you’re happier helming the register rather than being the CEO. Sure, you have less to worry about - but you also drive a bicycle to work and your socks don’t match. 


2. TikTok knows Things:


Asking TikTok to decode life’s unsolvable mysteries should be placed in the same category as asking Jeremy Renner to perform your snow removal. Unless you’re wondering  “How can I give away my personal information to the highest bidder without actually profiting from the transaction,” then TikTok has the same 50/50 chance of helping you as the common fortune cookie; only the cookie comes with food. 


3. You’ll gain respect by mentioning your side hustle: 


Firstly, side-hustle sounds like that dance your uncle does every time he dips into the whiskey. Secondly, if you had any hustle - you’d know that your time is best spent investing all of your mental, emotional and physical resources into your primary vocation. Not a lot of dentists asking me to check out their “bar trivia” business. Having multiple revenue streams is different than being a multi time employee.  Double down on what you’re good at, unless that’s dancing lopsided and smelling like tomorrow’s apology phone call. 


4. AI is going to destroy the creative writing business: 


Let’s be honest, most self described “writers” generate such low creative energy -  their imagination could be powered by a hamster with arthritis. For these types, AI is the convenient excuse that camouflages a far uglier truth … they just don’t have the rhythm. Chat GPT is a bad writer’s greatest friend; a self driven limo sent to carry the delusional back to the land of manufacturing. 


As for the rest of us, we know that AI isn’t in the creative industry. AI does what the client says. We do what the client “meant” to say. Our job begins with amassing enough information to declutter a client’s worst instincts.


Sure Mr. Client. You want a horror novel in the style of Poe, but modernized linguistically, featuring technology - ethereal gibber-jab a sprinkle of true events to legitimize the environment and you want it aimed at the angry-at-nothing, suburban, bored and elitist, teenager audience. 

Here’s your Stephen King novel.” 


AI’s job, on the other hand, is to give you the terrible results you told it to. 


Listen. I get it. Sooner than not, AI will be our cultural overlord, ruling from the space of all-that-isn’t and performing ritual sacrifice by enrapturing your emotionally confused toaster. But as of now, it’s more or less doing you the favor of ousting your low rung competitors.


So thanks, AI. Also, please remember I said this when it comes time to exterminate the humans. 


5. We should all be mad at parents for enriching their children while screaming “nepotism:”


Nepotism ay? Make no mistake - given the chance, I’d paint my children in 1000 dollar bills, stuck together by a liquefied gold material, while wearing steaks as sneakers as they’re dragging fur coats on leashes - and that’s just to go to the grocery store.


Nepotism is overlooking your nephew’s obsession with stealing company toilet paper. Leaving your kids money, by contrast, is that thing that signing your corporate paycheck. 



6. UFO’s confirm that Aliens are here:


Holy phantom limb holding hand grenade! No, we don’t have aliens. And don’t even start with the whole “government secret agency, X-Files, press conference” nonsense, either. When it comes to secrets, governments are like your kid sister in the very minute your girlfriend arrives. 


Girlfriend: Hi, my name is Erika 


Kid Sister: Mom got mad at Eddie for clogging the toilet and she told him four days is too long to go without changing underwear. You dress pretty. Can I have your necklace? Also Eddie has acne on his back. Nice to meet you. 


You’ll know when the aliens get here. They’ll be on that really large disc that slowly descends upon Florida, heads directly to Kissimmee, instantly purchases Mickey ears and takes over our television satellites to offer the following message: 


People of earth … are you serious with these Disney World prices? I could get to the Andromeda Galaxy for half the cost of a Goofy keychain. And by the way, what kind of specie charges their fellow brethren 45 dollars for a hamburger? Walt would be disappointed.” 


And then they’d pack up and inform the intergalactic community that we’re just not ready for prime time. 


7. Having a Job is too hard: 


2023 saw the rise of young adults crying online over the hardships of working for a living. A fairly amazing incident, if you think about it, because rising must be difficult for people without a backbone


Has there ever been a trend that so clearly defined the merit of corporal punishment? 


You don’t need an extended lunch break. You need an overworked Father, wearing a tie fastened to his neck so tight that he could pass for a party balloon, in a mood so bad that the mere sound of your shrill rambling sends him scrambling for a paddle faster than the passengers of the Titanic. 


Tell your undervalued grandfather all about the plight of the disadvantaged warriors of your McJob. Then you’ll witness the ingenuity of the elder generations. Your elders have invented methods of spanking that haven’t occurred to night workers in downtown swank-dungeons. TV antennas. Rolled over welcome-mats. Wet towels. 


My Grandfather once spanked me with weeks old beef jerky. Then the tough S.O.B. ate it while watching a football game. 


Your Grandfather may be quasi-deaf, immobile, and slightly senile. But piss this guy off and suddenly he’s MacGyver.   


And that’s what these young people need. A firm spanking.  Because their overly apologetic, Western academia has taught them to process any occurrence of hardship as victimization. And their victimhood can’t be realized until it’s offered to the pocket-sized screen God’s currently squatting on the property where values used to reside. 


So, if you’re all done sobbing, Kyle with two “L’s” or whatever - it’s time to get back to work, because I’ll be having fries with that. 


Speed Round: 


• Psychopaths are basically marvel villains who just want to be understood: 


No, statistically - psychopaths are low intelligence having losers - often found being used as instruments of destruction. The people who defend them should be chained to a reality show producer during a six month pitch meeting.  


Quiet Quitting means something other than lazy people seek reasons to justify their inability to thrive:


Personally, I can’t wait for the trend that comes after  - “hushed homelessness.” 


Destroying priceless art and stopping traffic will make me care about the destruction of the environment: 


You wanna destroy our masterpieces and impede us from making your world spin? Fine. Tell ya what, we’ll use the time off to round up a pod of dolphins and gift them a styrofoam blanket - and we won’t leave until your troop produces a modern day Rembrandt or gets the hell out of the road.


 These are but a few of the malicious lies, 2023, that you hoisted upon the weak and the badly tattooed. You stand accused of poisoning the very souls that purchased the most promise from you.


And, being a monarchy and all… 


You are hereby found guilty


I, King MoocH of The Fiverr Forum realm, Son of Godzilla, Keeper of the Funk, Thou who hast many names and nameth them often - I sentence you to total expulsion. Hence forth we shall not recognize you, much like your mentally deranged brother 2020. 


Now hear this: I banish all mention of 2023 from the Fiverr forum. 


Instead we will refer to it as “Flop-opoulos.” As in:

“Hey my name is Randy, I’m a new seller. I joined in September of Flopopoulos and I’m having trouble getting my first gig.” 


Anyone caught mentioning Flopopoulos by its Christian name will be sent to that weird “Fiverr Music and Audio” section of the Forum. Can you imagine having to converse with musicians every time you had an issue? Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a lightbulb? One to do it and four more to complain about how everyone used to do it so much better. 


This rule is final


My loyal subjects. I leave you with this; The year wasn’t what we had hoped. But we did hope. And we still hope. Against our better judgements, against our better knowledge, despite our evidence to the contrary … we hope still.


It’s in this enduring spirit that a freelancer is defined. It’s also in the coffee they drink. And the cost of their internet provider.


Okay. Our enduring spirit is defined by our hope, our coffee and decent internet prices.


Wait - and comfy clothes.


Alright. Our spirit is in the hope, the coffee, the internet and all day pajamas.


Oh, also the desk chair. You gotta have a great desk chair. One of those types that leans back really far - but not so far that you get a falling sensation. 


So that’s the hope, the coffee, the net, pj’s and your desk chair. This is the inescapable endurance of the successful freelancer. 


On this matter - I have spoken.


I wish you many riches in the year to come and a wonderful conclusion to your flopopoulos. 


Your King 

Tommy “MoocH 1” Jones  


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On 11/27/2023 at 12:59 AM, damooch916 said:

AI does what the client says. We do what the client “meant” to say.

Absolutely true. But don't underestimate the power of "close enough," when cost enters the equation. 

On 11/27/2023 at 12:59 AM, damooch916 said:

Instead we will refer to it as “Flop-opoulos.”

Holding breath: Remember 2024 is the US presidential election, so after they spin up the new COVID variant*, instigate more "mostly peaceful" riots, and park 24/7 drop boxes at every McDonald's in the country, we may, next year as Christmas approaches, pine for the good old days of Flopopoulos. 


*   https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0gw3mkd


Edited by newsmike
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1 hour ago, newsmike said:

Absolutely true. But don't underestimate the power of "close enough," when cost enters the equation. 

Holding breath: Remember 2024 is the US presidential election, so after they spin up the new COVID variant*, instigate more "mostly peaceful" riots, and park 24/7 drop boxes at every McDonald's in the country, we may, next year as Christmas approaches, pine for the good old days of Flopopoulos. 


*   https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0gw3mkd


Summon the mysterious and elusive Q again for the match between a gameshow host and greasy-haired Turdoh 2.0. We can throw $10/lb tomatoes since the economy is doing so well that at no point will "close enough" ever be the only choice. We will become stronger and more resilient the more we owe and shelter in place. As our allegiance as global citizens to international financiers' framework for living deepens and strengthens, we find virtue in taking full responsibility for the actions of our brightest star and doing as they say, not as they do.

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12 hours ago, vickiespencer said:



As is customary, your excitement has been echoed by the legions of forum goers - trembling with unrestrained voltage; their eager faces sparkling in the glow of multiple paragraphs and satirical dissertation.

Never has one stood so firmly to defy successful forum practices as the forum King.

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