Inside the mind of your seller: What we’re really thinking

[damooch916]

Welcome buyers. My name is Tommy and I’m a “Top Rated Seller” and “Pro Seller” in the songwriting/production/studio musician categories. I’m also the last active “shirtless yodeling instructor” though fiverr refuses to activate my services over fears of “inciting hyper stimulation.”

 

 Today I’m offering some unfiltered insight into many of your behaviors that drive sellers crazy. And yes, I recognize that sharing seller complaints sees me run the risk of never working with you. Or sharing a coffee. Or looking longingly into your eyes over a John Williams score (though I refuse to relinquish all hope).  

 

Still, I will carry this burden upon my chiseled and glorious shoulders - all with the knowledge that I did this for you.

I’m humble like that. 

Note: While everything you’re about to hear is absolutely true - and often discussed between high end sellers - know that we consider these actions hazards of the job. We still intend to serve each customer with professionalism, warmth and - if you’re really good - possibly pastries. In fact, after dealing with so many buyers, it may not even be you. Maybe it’s us. Maybe we’re just not in a place to see you. It’s not that we don’t like you. We just don’t “like” like you. But we still want to be friends. Far away friends, mostly. The type of friendship where you have friends - and we have friends - and that’s quite enough. 

 

Things Buyers do that drive Sellers crazy 

I hate it when you message me “are you there?”

I don’t have time for existential questions, Dostoyevsky - so just make with the instructions already. 

 

The best and worst thing you can ever say to me is “just do whatever you want.” 

Here’s to hoping by “want” you meant “I’d like a video on your honest thoughts about “Disney remakes.” I threw in the expletives at no charge.  

 

I’ll look down on you for not taking my advice. 

Sure, I’m a professional musician with vast experience and my musical advice is probably worth taking. But did you know that I’m also “Dear Abby?” So, yes I am qualified to tell you that your bad ideas stem from a passionless marriage. Remember - planning is the spark, spontaneity the flame and consistency is the fire. You’re welcome. 

 

I hate it when you attempt to impress me with your awareness of my profession. 

If I wanted to spend time with pseudo intellectuals that pretend to understand the music industry - I’d still be in a band. 

 

I know you’re testing your luck when you “ask” me about my prices. 

Test your luck far enough and not only will I not lower my prices, but I’ll send you music with hidden hypnotic messages in it. Good luck explaining to Starbucks why the sound of liquid pouring compels you to cluck like a chicken.

 

I can’t stand it when you “credit” me without permission. 

For all I know, you could be an ax swinging psycho. Or worse than that, a decaf drinker. I’m not ready to vouch for knowing you. 

Plus, maybe you’re putting undue pressure on keeping my secret identity. Do you know how hard it is to come up with a super hero gimmick? Listen, I’m not getting all new tights just because you can’t keep my name out of your mouth. So tighten it up yippy. 

 

Sellers hate it when you message us with just the word “hi.” 

Which is why my response is always to list 20 films with plot twists and spoil the corresponding endings. 

 

I hate it when you say “if you do a good job” you’ll purchase more orders. 

Seriously, it’s not only patronizing when you think I have to be additionally incentivized to do my job - it’s also irritating that I’ve been asked not to goof off. Goofing off is one of my finest qualities. So just know that in your quest to train me with inverted Pavlovian techniques - you’ve cost yourself a hilarious “first draft” where I send you the theme from “Night Court” and tell you that “your love song delivery is ready.” 

 

Sending me 2 examples is good. Sending me 20 examples is you not making a choice. 

It’s not a Spotify playlist Spazzy - so maybe rein in the parameters from wanting a song that sounds like both “Kenny Loggins” and “the wu tang clan.” 

 

Don’t even consider just “leaving” after your purchase. 

Sellers can’t stand a client who makes a purchase and vanishes until delivery. So be warned : if you don’t respond to my first update - I’m consulting your Mother. Not only will you be forced to tolerate her choices, but she tells me you don’t call her enough. 

 

Stop asking if you can have my email address. 

If you really wanted my personal information, you’d get it the old fashioned way: by purchasing it from Facebook. 

 

I hate it when you ask too many questions. 

A delivery from me should be like an adult movie: You pretty much know the outcome and it’s best to not see behind the scenes.
Also, I’m not wearing pants. 

 

We can’t stand when you activate a modification for something outside of the order. 

There’s only certain circumstances where time should ever stop. This includes: 

*Meeting your soul mate. 

*Being in a David Lynch film 

*Going into a coma 

*And eating a poisonous apple given to you by a pathologically laughing elderly woman

 

We think it’s weird when you need to video chat things you can easily just type. 

So just remember - when I’m in minute seventeen of explaining gym etiquette - you’re the one that wanted to get personal.

 

Also, ma’am, my eyes are up here.  

 

Many things have been written on the “acceptable” behaviors that sellers should demonstrate when interacting with buyers. Now you - the buyer - have a chance to regulate your own behavior.
 

Which is good … because sellers talk.

 

You’re never quite sure when your bad attitude might get around to the voiceover guys, who slip high pitch frequencies into your audio causing the neighbor dogs to use your lawn as home base. Or when your mean spirited direction gets around to the video editors, who stick hidden messages into your YouTube intro - causing you to purchase any item with the color pink in it. Or when your marketing expert puts your business up for sale on the black market. Or when your copywriter includes a string code that makes people cough whenever they say your company name aloud. 

 

So be nice. Because even if you don’t think it matters … it just may matter more than you ever wanted it to  … 

[damooch916]

Was it something I said? 

[newsmike]

2 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Was it something I said? 

It was buried under a bunch of "Dear, how i mek sells" messages. BTW, Dennis Miller and I are going bowling after we convince Elon Musk to buy Fiverr, you in?

  

[damooch916]

19 minutes ago, newsmike said:

Dennis Miller and I are going bowling after we convince Elon Musk to buy Fiverr, you in?

I lost my bowling shoes to a bookie in Reno  over a completely rigged contest involving dead weighted bowling balls, live round ammunition obstacles and a spiked espresso.

Apparently, when the dirt-mall Vegas teamsters challenge you to a game of “death match bowling” they aren’t being hyperbolic. 

Edited April 2, 2023 by damooch916
Reason is for people who are too afraid to try insanity.

[newsmike]

6 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

I lost my bowling shoes to a bookie in Reno  over a completely rigged contest involving dead weighted boiling balls, live round ammunition obstacles and a spiked espresso.

Apparently, when the dirt-mall Vegas teamsters challenge you to a game of “death match bowling” they aren’t being hyperbolic. 

Vegas is exactly what you would expect to rise 75 years after nuke tests. Precisely the mutations one would expect.  Now if I could only explain Nashville and Austin. 

Edited April 2, 2023 by newsmike

[damooch916]

6 minutes ago, newsmike said:

Nashville

Imagine that everyday of your life you had to interact with 500 newly arriving, freshly graduating, expectation junkies who truly believe that riches and admiration should be showered onto them for having just woken up. 
 

Somewhere, right now, there’s a waitress in Nashville who calls that “Tuesday.” 

[damooch916]

 

10 hours ago, newsmike said:

It was buried under a bunch of "Dear, how i mek sells" messages.

 

I dunno … I’m almost thinking that dragging buyers by their fragile egos isn’t going to result in far more buyer praise. Who knew?

 Maybe I’m misunderstanding all this “helpful tips” business. That’s it … from now on I’m only going to write heartfelt messages of hope and utopian poems of the future. 
 

Well, maybe not immediately but someday really soon I’ll stop this absurd thread business and get to the hope. 
 

By soon I don’t mean “soon, soon.” But eventually.

 

Ya know what … Maybe don’t hold your breath on it. 

 

[katakatica]

22 hours ago, damooch916 said:

I know you’re testing your luck when you “ask” me about my prices. 

I feel like people think it's smart even though my prices are VERY clear. I always guess that some people just don't care enough to check them out which is perhaps even worse (they want to work together, but can't even look at it...) 

22 hours ago, damooch916 said:

I hate it when you say “if you do a good job” you’ll purchase more orders. 

 

This is my 'favourite' though.  I don't go to a restaurant and tell the waitress, 'if the food is good I'll be back'. Do I perhaps think it? Absolutely, though that's because 2 of our fave places were closed last year (RIP Chinese place with the best mapo tofu I cannot recreate). I guess I don't like the honeypot approach (which I think is pretty obvious.)

 

15 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Was it something I said? 

Nope, post was pretty hidden by all the current happenings. 

(again, I wish I could reply in a quirky way but I need coffee first. We just got this awesome salted caramel blend, it's really tasty as a latte!)

 

[damooch916]

2 minutes ago, katakatica said:

Nope, post was pretty hidden by all the current happenings. 

Happenings? What happenings?

The Forum King has stringent, unbreakable rules regarding happenings without his royal  awareness. 

I will also not tolerate being left out of goings on, shindigs, hootenanny’s, bang ‘em ups, knock down drag outs and breakdance battles.

This is all in the handbook, “The New Fiverr King and You: a comprehensive guide to perpetuate Tommy’s delusion.” 

See … this is the burden of being King. Sure, I’ve solidified my unattainable position as head of the table … but at what melancholic isolation? Would the commoner dare approach the King to participate in forum shenanigans? No.

The common thought is that I’m fiercely self sustained. Some unhinged dragon creature - only emerging when the air is thick with fear and the soil painted in blood. My arrival to your forum thread can be felt in the swelling rhythms of a funeral drum. I’m respected - in the same way that any monster is respected - at a safe distance, while balling your fist to ensure the creature doesn’t chew your fingers to the palm. I’m the train and the wreckage. A living spectacle of shrewd paragraphs and dangerous explosions. I’m the satire that eats through your facade and leaves a terminal sickness in your bones. I’m respected. I’m championed. I’m complimented. But I’m never thought of as “one of you.” 

My reputation - both here on the forum and in my actual life - chokes the companionship out of people and sends them into a “cordial squeak.” I’m accustomed to spine straightened respect and cautious kindness.  I’m often described as intimidating. I hear it a lot. In fact, that’s the most confessional (and possibly, the most satire free) thing I’ve ever said on this forum.
 

But that reputation has also solicited avoidance. I have admirers, fans and irritated silent watchers. I don’t have contemporaries.  People would think to compliment me before they’d think to ask “how are you.” Because the basic assumption is that - however I am - it’s a state of singularity, invulnerability, individual momentum and self guided “otherness.”

 

And perhaps that’s true. 
 

I won’t pretend to not enjoy being treated as exceptional. Or, at the least, totally solidified.  Being the monster in the room has it’s advantages. I’m routinely stopped to ask for “bodybuilding advice” and while it happens - the person won’t look me in my eyes. People constantly project their Beast/Prince Adam complex onto me and depending on their current life situation - they will define me accordingly. In that way, the forum is a closer reflection of my real life than I ever intended.

And somewhere in all of that, I forgot I was doing a bit and got lost in the revelation that I’m the exact same person on fiverr as I am in life. Which is truly absurd, considering the amount of glorious, spastic, romantic, deformed, beautiful and horrifying pieces of my reputation that I’ve designed here. I’ve acquired the social equity to speak in ways that no one else dares. Or no one else does. Or maybe no one cares to. Either way, that’s my actual - every day - voice. And it’s a voice that petitions more “safe distance good will” than it does “rapport.”

So, no … I had no idea there were any “happenings.” 
 

This could all be solved if I just had my own bat signal. 

[miiila]

7 hours ago, damooch916 said:

I’ll stop this absurd thread business

No! Keep patience! Or was it patients? I dunno anymore, this forum teaches you so many ways of writing things.

Edited April 3, 2023 by miiila

[imagination7413]

5 hours ago, damooch916 said:

This could all be solved if I just had my own bat signal. 

(I can't choose between using the 'over-priced junk' joke, or the 'underpriced with all the everything included in the package' joke. So, I'll go with the 'choose your own adventure' option.)

If you paid $5 for this, go to page AA5. If you paid $50O0X.95 for this, go to page XXLII. 

AAS: You got what you paid for. Though that package did include unlimited revisions. You're confident they'll get it right next time. Or third. Third time's the charm, right?

42: You have learned the meaning of regret. You contemplate your life choices. This contemplation reminds you that you might-or-might-not-know someone named Swifty F, attorney at law. 

[damooch916]

15 hours ago, imagination7413 said:

I'll go with the 'choose your own adventure' option.

I just realized that last night I went into some weirdly confessional, hyper realistic, bit-that’s not a bit- within a bit, third fabric of reality, sleep deprived, mind palace open house of disclosure. 
 

This is probably a good time to mention my ardent devotion to sobriety? So, I’m blaming the whole incident on caffeine. 
 

I now return you to my originally scheduled program “Forums: Simple Destruction through Pedestrian Satire.”