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Ultimate Buyers Tip List 2: Son of Tip List


damooch916
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Hello folks and welcome back to America’s fastest rising game show, “THAT SHOULDN’T GO THERE!” I’m your host Fit Snuggly, but you can call me Tommy. I’m a PRO/TRS in the music category. On today’s broadcast we’ll be diving deep into all the things buyers should and shouldn’t do to survive the wild world of freelance. But first - a word from our sponsors: 

Are you tired of being watched by the corporate overlords? Are you ready to experience online browsing in a safe way that puts the privacy back in your hands? Then you’re ready for “That’s Horrid VPN.” At “That’s Horrid,” we know that you have needs - and those needs usually express themselves at three am, locked behind a door where regret is just a browser search away. Stop letting big tech know your every move. Hey, we get it. You just REALLY like horses. No judgement. We don’t even know what you’re talking about. 

Try “That’s Horrid VPN” Today.

Welcome back! Okay contestants, it’s time to learn the do’s and don’ts of buying from the online marketplace. Let’s begin. 

 

1.  Take your seller’s advice: 

If you’ve chosen my services, it’s obviously because: 

(A) You need professional services outside of your skill set

(B) You need an experienced seller to send you progress videos in an unnecessary Doc Holliday accent. 

We don’t have to offer you experienced opinions - after all, it’s pretty easy to just take the money. So the next time some songwriter says “hey maybe ‘Reggae for whitey’ is a terrible idea,” just go with it.  

 

2. Never tell a seller “just do whatever you want”

What you said was - 

You’re the professional, just do what you like best.” 

What I heard was -

I need a keytar playing, beard-down nude performer to film blues songs in business socks.”

If that’s not the delivery you’re looking for, you might wanna be more specific. 

 

3. A seller who delivers incomplete work is a thief: 

To avoid interacting with a thief, ask yourself the following questions:

Do they sport an eye patch and a peg leg?

Are they wearing all black clothing including a black beanie and matching mask? 

Are they carrying bags with money signs?

When they laugh, can you hear an echo? 

Are they running for a governmental position? 

 

4. A seller pretending to be your friend is a person leveraging you to accept lesser than: 

Business is what happens when people create and execute ideas based on preconceived arrangements. 

Friendship is what happens when people need you to help them move.

 

5. A seller that doesn’t ask questions is a seller that doesn’t care about the outcome - be available:

Even the most detailed descriptions can require clarification. As a buyer, you want to make yourself available to address any specifics the seller may need.

Otherwise we go to “plan b.” This includes googling your first name, messaging the first person who pops up, asking them “what do you think this means,” and resuming a “Frasier” rewatch while “other you” decides the new gig requirements. 

Good luck. 

 

6. Great sellers know that it’s “what” that matters, not a laundry list of “why”

I’m sure you’re a great person (but my dog has her suspicions). Still -  I’m not making your “A&E” biography. Giving me the aim, the fine points and the intended outcome will prevent you from committing yourself to granular details - so magnified - that they snuff out any inspired creativity that could have occurred. I want you to be detailed, but if your concepts verge into doing the job for me - you won’t get the results you’re hiring me for. 

Side note:

I’m a professional songwriter. Yes, I realize that sounds self important … I’m okay with it… There’s not a week that goes by where some guy doesn’t reach out, tell me he needs a song for his secret soul mate - all with the intention to surprise her with every uncomfortable detail he’s ever imagined - sends me ten paragraphs on his hidden emotions (and the oddest physical details that one only acquires by studying photos) all in the hopes that she’ll drop her entire life and fall madly into his arms. 

Stop it. 

Chances are, the moment you pop on some dedication song - this person is going to be wondering if you own a hotel and how often you dress in your mother’s clothing.

Not to mention, with all those weird details you have me singing - if I actually pull this off, there’s a better than not chance she’ll be asking about the vocalist. Plus, I play piano like an angel (you’ve been warned). No worries, I’m gonna deny knowing you for safety reasons. But none of that matters because I’ve got it on good authority that this isn’t going to work.

How do I know? One, because you’re not the writer. And two, because no woman has ever asked me to write a song for a man to reveal her truest details from out of left field. Maybe they’ve logically concluded that this will come across as weird and make the person they care for uncomfortable? 

That’s your answer.

 

7.  A seller who is willing to negotiate their price is a seller who doesn’t feel confident in their work  

This isn’t an antique mall. If it were, I’d be too busy buying vintage Disney items to deal with your inverted sales tactics. 

My fee reflects your request, as performed at the highest quality I offer, at that price point. I’m not willing to negotiate your quality - so don’t negotiate my prices.

 

 

8. If your seller has trouble communicating, your trouble is just beginning: 

Remember that date you went on … and your brain said, “this isn’t going to work…” And then you went on that date. And then your date didn’t ask you any questions, talked for twenty minutes about their interests, took a phone call during the appetizer, asked you to help pay and tried to invite you back to the apartment?

Remember how you never went against your instincts again?

That’s Fiverr.

Do what feels right. If that doesn’t work, try putting on Kool and the Gang’s classic “Get Down On it.” If that doesn’t work - your more pressing issue is that you don’t have a pulse. 
 

With these ideas in mind, you are ever closer to mastering the fine art of purchasing in the freelance market. Tune in next time when we ask,

Sand … is it just dirt with commitment issues?”

Until then, take care. 

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15 hours ago, damooch916 said:

I’m a professional songwriter. Yes, I realize that sounds self important … I’m okay with it… There’s not a week that goes by where some guy doesn’t reach out, tell me he needs a song for his secret soul mate - all with the intention to surprise her with every uncomfortable detail he’s ever imagined - sends me ten paragraphs on his hidden emotions (and the oddest physical details that one only acquires by studying photos) all in the hopes that she’ll drop her entire life and fall madly into his arms. 

 


I used to write letters of apology. But it turned out that most buyers were men who had cheated on their women and wanted me to write a letter to make it all better. I deleted that gig for similar reasons. I could not distill their two to three thousand words into a 450-word letter. 

15 hours ago, damooch916 said:

4. A seller pretending to be your friend is a person leveraging you to accept lesser than: 

This is true for buyers too.

15 hours ago, damooch916 said:

But first - a word from our sponsors: 

Oh no! not here too! It is bad enough that HBO makes me watch promotional content and does not let me fast-forward through it as most streaming channels do. 

15 hours ago, damooch916 said:

Sand … is it just dirt with commitment issues?”

Until then, take care. 


image.jpeg.0cbd9570aa829085b8bb911e1886717e.jpeg

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On 10/22/2022 at 3:17 PM, vickiespencer said:

I used to write letters of apology. But it turned out that most buyers were men who had cheated on their women and wanted me to write a letter to make it all better. I deleted that gig

I want to try it. Here is my first draft of “apology ballad: a story of terror and treachery - for Dorothy.”

 

Dear Dorothy- 

  Silence is a relentless companion. It walks the halls of our home, sliding it’s hand across the walls where your laughter would echo and burst into the nothing. It follows me … room to room, day to day… playing it’s strange beat to the rhythm of my fading heart. Silence whispers. It taunts. It talks to me where words dare not tread. It knows the chambers of my soul and thrashes about, pouring memories into my sleeping eyes and flooding my ears with your sweet voice. It sits with me in darkened rooms. It sucks in the light from a nearby window and casts a fog into everything it touches. Silence is the absence of footsteps standing beside the slippers you keep at the door. Silence is the absence of your hair swooshing and the mockery of a lifeless brush laying still on your vanity. Silence is the dryness of your unused morning cups. Silence is the cold of my body without your arms to glide along my frame. Silence is the promises we made, living in the shards of our broken pictures. Silence is the victory of my defeat - and it sings it’s song for no one with each passing moment that we live apart. Silence is everywhere Dorothy. Because silence is my life without you.

Sorry I slept with your sister. 
Love,
Bob 

I dunno. I think I might have a real knack for this apology thing. 

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On 10/24/2022 at 7:34 AM, damooch916 said:

I want to try it. Here is my first draft

Not bad, not bad. I'd work on the header, for psychological reasons, but that should be nice for the Basic Gig. For the Standard Gig, you could include use of the sandwich tactic and hide the last part somewhere in the middle, and for the Premium add a little espresso something to the sandwich tactic, maybe extra proofreading to make sure the names and designations are right, and it doesn't say cousin if it should have said sister. 

Oh, and don't forget to add the subscription feature to the Gig 

Edited by miiila
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On 10/25/2022 at 2:11 AM, miiila said:

Not bad, not bad

I can tell that you’ve been busy. No problem. I shouldered the burden of expanding your review of my piece for you. You’re welcome.

Few artists deal in mania with the romance or magnitude of Tommy Jones. When he’s behind the pen, Jones is a frontiersman wielding aces in a game that is sure to decline into gun fire. He’s the traveling medicine barker, dealing in doomed magics and dark reckonings. He’s the ringmaster in a celebration of human curiosity. He’s both the huntsman and the hunted. 

Jones’ latest work “Apology Ballad,” is a stinging bit of satire, wrapped in a poem length short story. It tells of a recently separated man in the agony and revelation of his wrong doing. Accompanying the narrator like an ever present houseguest is “silence.” Jones gives foreboding attributes to this wordless companion and devises a makeshift ghost story in the framework of an apology letter. The result is bleak and all-of-the-sudden terror invoking. And when your senses have been heightened and your hair raised, Jones delivers a punch line so swift, you can’t even believe you’ve been swindled. Your short story is actually a joke. And with that, Jones rides off to fight again. 

It is this fine precision that makes Jones so dangerous. “Apology” is a tight-rope act where, with any given word, our author may fall into eternity. Yet, he moves forward. Creeping confidently into your psyche, extracting your deepest secrets and vanishing before your very eyes. He’s cut throat and vulnerable. Terrible, powerful yet human … 

… With his exuding exoticism, Jones becomes the very fever that your mother warned you about - and still, you’d risk death to catch it.”

I really appreciate your kind appraisal of my work. Thank you. I shall cherish this review for always. 
 

Tommy 

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23 hours ago, damooch916 said:

I can tell that you’ve been busy. No problem. I shouldered the burden of expanding your review of my piece for you. You’re welcome.

Incredible (Almost. Of course, by now, I've come to expect no less than miracles.), exactly what I'd have written, had I not been busy, stinging word for stinging word. I'm deeply touched and owe you a caffeinated drink of your choice, should I ever spot you somewhere that offers such manna from heaven (and where else should I). Thank you so much, Tommy.

 

23 hours ago, damooch916 said:

dealing in doomed magics

I'm still busy, alas. Is that available as a Gig or song? I might buy it, unless it would cut into my espresso budget too much.

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On 10/22/2022 at 11:05 AM, damooch916 said:

Hello folks and welcome back to America’s fastest rising game show, “THAT SHOULDN’T GO THERE!” I’m your host Fit Snuggly, but you can call me Tommy. I’m a PRO/TRS in the music category. On today’s broadcast we’ll be diving deep into all the things buyers should and shouldn’t do to survive the wild world of freelance. But first - a word from our sponsors: 

Are you tired of being watched by the corporate overlords? Are you ready to experience online browsing in a safe way that puts the privacy back in your hands? Then you’re ready for “That’s Horrid VPN.” At “That’s Horrid,” we know that you have needs - and those needs usually express themselves at three am, locked behind a door where regret is just a browser search away. Stop letting big tech know your every move. Hey, we get it. You just REALLY like horses. No judgement. We don’t even know what you’re talking about. 

Try “That’s Horrid VPN” Today.

Welcome back! Okay contestants, it’s time to learn the do’s and don’ts of buying from the online marketplace. Let’s begin. 

 

1.  Take your seller’s advice: 

If you’ve chosen my services, it’s obviously because: 

(A) You need professional services outside of your skill set

(B) You need an experienced seller to send you progress videos in an unnecessary Doc Holliday accent. 

We don’t have to offer you experienced opinions - after all, it’s pretty easy to just take the money. So the next time some songwriter says “hey maybe ‘Reggae for whitey’ is a terrible idea,” just go with it.  

 

2. Never tell a seller “just do whatever you want”

What you said was - 

You’re the professional, just do what you like best.” 

What I heard was -

I need a keytar playing, beard-down nude performer to film blues songs in business socks.”

If that’s not the delivery you’re looking for, you might wanna be more specific. 

 

3. A seller who delivers incomplete work is a thief: 

To avoid interacting with a thief, ask yourself the following questions:

Do they sport an eye patch and a peg leg?

Are they wearing all black clothing including a black beanie and matching mask? 

Are they carrying bags with money signs?

When they laugh, can you hear an echo? 

Are they running for a governmental position? 

 

4. A seller pretending to be your friend is a person leveraging you to accept lesser than: 

Business is what happens when people create and execute ideas based on preconceived arrangements. 

Friendship is what happens when people need you to help them move.

 

5. A seller that doesn’t ask questions is a seller that doesn’t care about the outcome - be available:

Even the most detailed descriptions can require clarification. As a buyer, you want to make yourself available to address any specifics the seller may need.

Otherwise we go to “plan b.” This includes googling your first name, messaging the first person who pops up, asking them “what do you think this means,” and resuming a “Frasier” rewatch while “other you” decides the new gig requirements. 

Good luck. 

 

6. Great sellers know that it’s “what” that matters, not a laundry list of “why”

I’m sure you’re a great person (but my dog has her suspicions). Still -  I’m not making your “A&E” biography. Giving me the aim, the fine points and the intended outcome will prevent you from committing yourself to granular details - so magnified - that they snuff out any inspired creativity that could have occurred. I want you to be detailed, but if your concepts verge into doing the job for me - you won’t get the results you’re hiring me for. 

Side note:

I’m a professional songwriter. Yes, I realize that sounds self important … I’m okay with it… There’s not a week that goes by where some guy doesn’t reach out, tell me he needs a song for his secret soul mate - all with the intention to surprise her with every uncomfortable detail he’s ever imagined - sends me ten paragraphs on his hidden emotions (and the oddest physical details that one only acquires by studying photos) all in the hopes that she’ll drop her entire life and fall madly into his arms. 

Stop it. 

Chances are, the moment you pop on some dedication song - this person is going to be wondering if you own a hotel and how often you dress in your mother’s clothing.

Not to mention, with all those weird details you have me singing - if I actually pull this off, there’s a better than not chance she’ll be asking about the vocalist. Plus, I play piano like an angel (you’ve been warned). No worries, I’m gonna deny knowing you for safety reasons. But none of that matters because I’ve got it on good authority that this isn’t going to work.

How do I know? One, because you’re not the writer. And two, because no woman has ever asked me to write a song for a man to reveal her truest details from out of left field. Maybe they’ve logically concluded that this will come across as weird and make the person they care for uncomfortable? 

That’s your answer.

 

7.  A seller who is willing to negotiate their price is a seller who doesn’t feel confident in their work  

This isn’t an antique mall. If it were, I’d be too busy buying vintage Disney items to deal with your inverted sales tactics. 

My fee reflects your request, as performed at the highest quality I offer, at that price point. I’m not willing to negotiate your quality - so don’t negotiate my prices.

 

 

8. If your seller has trouble communicating, your trouble is just beginning: 

Remember that date you went on … and your brain said, “this isn’t going to work…” And then you went on that date. And then your date didn’t ask you any questions, talked for twenty minutes about their interests, took a phone call during the appetizer, asked you to help pay and tried to invite you back to the apartment?

Remember how you never went against your instincts again?

That’s Fiverr.

Do what feels right. If that doesn’t work, try putting on Kool and the Gang’s classic “Get Down On it.” If that doesn’t work - your more pressing issue is that you don’t have a pulse. 
 

With these ideas in mind, you are ever closer to mastering the fine art of purchasing in the freelance market. Tune in next time when we ask,

Sand … is it just dirt with commitment issues?”

Until then, take care. 

I am not getting order, plz help

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1 hour ago, soyed_292 said:

I am not getting order, plz help

You need help? With orders? Here in the specifically designed, completely obvious, buyer designated section, on a thread dedicated to buyers with the literal word “buyers” in the title? Well, let it never be said that your flawless attention to detail has ever led you astray … because … 

You've come to the right place!

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(The above statements have not been approved by the food and drug administration. Use at your own risk. Void where prohibited. Don’t cross on red. Look before you leap. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. May cause: exhaustion, inflated confidence, shelter, goal oriented desires and the wearing of indoor sunglasses) 

 

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