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Ultimate Buyers Tip List


damooch916
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8 hours ago, rebecaogeer91 said:

I have this game changing notion template for all website freelancers 

****************************

You should try the revolutionary notion of reading the rules.

You can follow that by taking an inventory of your surroundings … you may just come away with the stark realization that - of all the people in this forum - I’m the absolute last person you want awoken to your abhorrent behavior. 
 

If none of that seems to resonate - and you find that you’re still ignoring socially practiced standards while claiming to be a social media expert - I’ve compiled a list of “game changing” methods designed to change your perspective. Just some suggestions that will totally redesign your behavior…

 

1. Eat slow roasted glass with lemon juice. 

2. Put your lips over the edge of the refrigerator door and slam it shut. 

3. Play “steal the steak” with the neighbor boy’s dog. 

4. Clean yourself with grocery store salami and visit a National Forrest. 

5. Wash your eyes out with extra thick body scrub. 

6. Use your electrical outlets as a utensil holster.

7. Add bleach to your coffee creamer.

8. Take flying lessons from a bird family in a high tree.

9. Try “no arms” snake hunting.

10. Move to Texas, find a crowded area and yell, “why is everything so small here, you dumb Yankees.” 
 

Please be advised, you assume all risk by adhering to any of the provided suggestions. The fiverr forum does not endorse, support or necessarily agree with the methods I’ve suggested in this thread. Only, secretly, they totally do. In fact, as we speak, two moderators are catching their breath from laughing (although, to be fair, they feel guilty about it). 

Please refrain from posting until you’ve read the rules. Actually, let’s back up. Start by reading some of these fine classics: 

* There’s a Monster at the End of This Book 

* The Very Hungry Caterpillar 

Then, when you’re ready, let’s take a deep dive into the forum rules. You may also try reading the forum content. On today’s menu we have a wonderful thread about “talking” and in another thread we’re discussing “microphones.”

Invigorating stuff. 

You may not learn anything (to no one’s immediate surprise) but you will see what our accepted behavior looks like. 

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7 hours ago, damooch916 said:

3. A seller with unlimited revisions is learning a craft on your dime. 

The point of being a buyer - is to buy. It’s not to offer paid training. There’s only one “service” in the world where you feel better knowing that you’ve purchased someone’s “first attempt.” And even pimps know not to offer revisions. 

384764621_YAY_http-i1361.photobucket.comalbumsr666karamelkinemaPosts201307-July03-DM2Minions10_zpsdd28ca77.gif.5f96852584b4193fed3c8b523d76378f.gifBRAVO!!!!

21 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

* There’s a Monster at the End of This Book 

A favorite of my children and grandchildren!

612034911_ScreenShot2022-08-16at10_53_21AM.thumb.png.5f902ce159f488f4ab7615b8d8bed511.png1665058308_ScreenShot2022-08-16at10_53_05AM.thumb.png.be00f030fd9cd7ca094e52a30ed2dee8.png

 

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9 hours ago, damooch916 said:

A seller with unlimited revisions is learning a craft on your dime. 

The point of being a buyer - is to buy. It’s not to offer paid training. There’s only one “service” in the world where you feel better knowing that you’ve purchased someone’s “first attempt.” And even pimps know not to offer revisions. 

These might be the best three lines on the forum, ever. 

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42 minutes ago, smashradio said:

These might be the best three lines on the forum, ever. 

Behind the forums writing moment: 

If I could honestly pretend to have written this segment in effortless fashion, I’d still pass myself off as some grind writer, sweating out the rhythm. 
 

As it was, I probably reworked that pay off ten times trying to avoid the word “hooker.” It’s a funny word and in a more character driven piece I may have gone that route. But this was aiming to be somewhere between Dennis Miller and Dear Abby. So the reader has to unlock the punchline.
 

This will all be in my upcoming book, “Broken Thread: A Survivalists Guide to Wrecking your Favorite Forum.” 

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  • 1 month later...

This post is both hilarious and true! Love your sense of humor and I agree with all of your points. It's funny how often buyers must think that sellers are in fact mind readers, as I get plenty of messages that literally just say "Hi!" or a brief "Hi! I need...", to which I reply (almost immediately) with some follow up questions, and then hear nothing back lol. I guess I have failed the mind reading test a lot. 

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