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Ultimate Buyers Tip List


damooch916

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Hi folks. I’m television’s Monty Hall, but you can call me Tommy. I’m a PRO/TRS in the songwriting and musician categories. I’m also a champion coffee drinker (though fiverr is dragging their feet on recognizing this as a skill set). 

I realize that for a lot of you, you’ve come to the “Tips for Buyers” section to get the inside scoop on what to look for. But how do you know you’re hearing the real deal? As a seller (and a guy with a YouTube account) I’m qualified to give you the real inside information. The following is a serious look at what to do, what not to do and what to avoid entirely. Good luck out there. 

 

   1.  A seller who gives you a free sample is a seller whose time isn’t worth anything.

Sure, Costco gives out free samples - they also charge an annual fee and sell adult diapers in sixth month increments. Somewhere in there, a perfect metaphor is occurring. 

 

   2. Sellers aren’t mind readers. Unless, of course, they’re literally mind readers. 

All interactions with a fiverr medium/fortune teller should occur as follows:

You: Hi!

Them: How can I help you?

 

Then you leave, as they have failed this portion of the test. 

 

   3. A seller with unlimited revisions is learning a craft on your dime. 

The point of being a buyer - is to buy. It’s not to offer paid training. There’s only one “service” in the world where you feel better knowing that you’ve purchased someone’s “first attempt.” And even pimps know not to offer revisions. 

 

   4. Message the seller before you purchase

Not everyone subscribes to the same definitions. In my business “rock music” can mean Pat Boone or AC/DC. If you think that’s a wide swing, imagine I were building your website. For this very reason, each time a customer purchases without contacting me - I send them a polka song. Relatedly, you’d be amazed how many people like polka, not realizing it isn’t “EDM.” 

 

   5. Read the Seller’s Gig page entirely. 

I’ve had an excellent cookie recipe on my profile for ten years and so far - not a word. Sometimes, doing that extra bit of research can really save you a lot of trouble. Other times, you just really need a cookie. 

 

   6. Never ask Sellers to go to another platform. 

Not only is it crucial to keep your communication in an environment where you can have customer service protection - by meeting us elsewhere - you run the very real risk of having us tell you what we really think about your idea. 

 

   7. Bring your seller examples of what you like. 

If you’re not sure what you like, keep searching for a seller until you find something that you like.  If you decide that you don’t like anything, you’re either not ready to buy something - or you’re a 15 year old girl. In either case - it’s just a phase and you’ll grow out of it. 

 

   8. If you’re arguing with your seller, you need another seller. 

Trust me, if you find yourself arguing with me, two things are true:

* You’ve acted belligerently and you’re finding out the hard way 

* And your song will have subliminal messages guaranteed to cause freakish paranoia. 

 

   9. Purchasing my service is not the same as being my boss. 

If we treat each other as co-workers, then we have a common goal. We want each other to win. If you treat me like an employee, then my goal is to sweet talk the receptionist into clocking me out on time, while I’m busy lip synching on a parade float. Don’t try me, Rooney. 

 

   10. Treat the seller like you want to be treated. 

Better yet, treat me how you’d imagine Zorro would like to be treated. After all, he’s fairly pleasant - but there’s something to be said about a guy in a mask. He’s also got a sword. So, I’d recommend friendliness. 

 

I hope these tips help you to achieve mastery level results. Good luck out there. 

Edited by damooch916
Woke into a mysterious room with red curtains and was instructed to edit things by a small man who spoke backward.
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Can someone please activate an applause emoji from the reaction emoji list, thank you.

~

I'll add a tip to make this post seem on-topic and not an attempt to preserve my Grand Master status (Do you have to preserve it? No idea, don't really care, though, either way.):

Don't

?

5-10 minutes after you sent a message. It makes me (want to) reply later rather than sooner. Also, I have to actually focus when working on orders, and can't check for new messages every 5 minutes. And you want me to focus on your order too, don't you. While I'm super special, I'm not under the illusion that I'm that special, when it comes to such things, so this probably is true for many other sellers, too.

~

While it's a real shame that Fiverr (yet!) doesn't properly recognise your coffee drinker expertise, in the meantime, please accept this humble officially unofficial Fiverr forum champion coffee drinker badge 🥇. Your coffee drinking efforts don't go unnoticed.

 

Sincerely, and without a single winking smiley,

A fan of coffee, and good plus entertaining forum posts

~

*This post was typed while sipping on an iced latte and might contain typos or other unpleasantries, due to coffee bliss. Don't quote me, don't sue me, don't ask for revisions. 

Edited by miiila
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8 hours ago, rebecaogeer91 said:

I have this game changing notion template for all website freelancers 

****************************

You should try the revolutionary notion of reading the rules.

You can follow that by taking an inventory of your surroundings … you may just come away with the stark realization that - of all the people in this forum - I’m the absolute last person you want awoken to your abhorrent behavior. 
 

If none of that seems to resonate - and you find that you’re still ignoring socially practiced standards while claiming to be a social media expert - I’ve compiled a list of “game changing” methods designed to change your perspective. Just some suggestions that will totally redesign your behavior…

 

1. Eat slow roasted glass with lemon juice. 

2. Put your lips over the edge of the refrigerator door and slam it shut. 

3. Play “steal the steak” with the neighbor boy’s dog. 

4. Clean yourself with grocery store salami and visit a National Forrest. 

5. Wash your eyes out with extra thick body scrub. 

6. Use your electrical outlets as a utensil holster.

7. Add bleach to your coffee creamer.

8. Take flying lessons from a bird family in a high tree.

9. Try “no arms” snake hunting.

10. Move to Texas, find a crowded area and yell, “why is everything so small here, you dumb Yankees.” 
 

Please be advised, you assume all risk by adhering to any of the provided suggestions. The fiverr forum does not endorse, support or necessarily agree with the methods I’ve suggested in this thread. Only, secretly, they totally do. In fact, as we speak, two moderators are catching their breath from laughing (although, to be fair, they feel guilty about it). 

Please refrain from posting until you’ve read the rules. Actually, let’s back up. Start by reading some of these fine classics: 

* There’s a Monster at the End of This Book 

* The Very Hungry Caterpillar 

Then, when you’re ready, let’s take a deep dive into the forum rules. You may also try reading the forum content. On today’s menu we have a wonderful thread about “talking” and in another thread we’re discussing “microphones.”

Invigorating stuff. 

You may not learn anything (to no one’s immediate surprise) but you will see what our accepted behavior looks like. 

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7 hours ago, damooch916 said:

3. A seller with unlimited revisions is learning a craft on your dime. 

The point of being a buyer - is to buy. It’s not to offer paid training. There’s only one “service” in the world where you feel better knowing that you’ve purchased someone’s “first attempt.” And even pimps know not to offer revisions. 

384764621_YAY_http-i1361.photobucket.comalbumsr666karamelkinemaPosts201307-July03-DM2Minions10_zpsdd28ca77.gif.5f96852584b4193fed3c8b523d76378f.gifBRAVO!!!!

21 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

* There’s a Monster at the End of This Book 

A favorite of my children and grandchildren!

612034911_ScreenShot2022-08-16at10_53_21AM.thumb.png.5f902ce159f488f4ab7615b8d8bed511.png1665058308_ScreenShot2022-08-16at10_53_05AM.thumb.png.be00f030fd9cd7ca094e52a30ed2dee8.png

 

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9 hours ago, damooch916 said:

A seller with unlimited revisions is learning a craft on your dime. 

The point of being a buyer - is to buy. It’s not to offer paid training. There’s only one “service” in the world where you feel better knowing that you’ve purchased someone’s “first attempt.” And even pimps know not to offer revisions. 

These might be the best three lines on the forum, ever. 

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42 minutes ago, smashradio said:

These might be the best three lines on the forum, ever. 

Behind the forums writing moment: 

If I could honestly pretend to have written this segment in effortless fashion, I’d still pass myself off as some grind writer, sweating out the rhythm. 
 

As it was, I probably reworked that pay off ten times trying to avoid the word “hooker.” It’s a funny word and in a more character driven piece I may have gone that route. But this was aiming to be somewhere between Dennis Miller and Dear Abby. So the reader has to unlock the punchline.
 

This will all be in my upcoming book, “Broken Thread: A Survivalists Guide to Wrecking your Favorite Forum.” 

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  • 1 month later...

This post is both hilarious and true! Love your sense of humor and I agree with all of your points. It's funny how often buyers must think that sellers are in fact mind readers, as I get plenty of messages that literally just say "Hi!" or a brief "Hi! I need...", to which I reply (almost immediately) with some follow up questions, and then hear nothing back lol. I guess I have failed the mind reading test a lot. 

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  • 4 months later...

A great list of tips here! Definitely worth a read for every buyer. I agree with many of these tips however the unlimited revisions one is the only one I disagree with. I personally offer unlimited revisions because buyers in my field like to know that their needs will be met no matter how many small revisions they need. I of course offset this by sharing work-in-progress images during the production so they can give feedback as I am fulfilling their order and very often they end up not using any of the revisions but it's still a nice bit of safety to offer them when they are still on the fence if whether what they need will be delivered or not. So maybe offer unlimited revisions on a case-by-case basis and not a rule of thumb. 

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