The one where we invent a bad buyer request

[damooch916]

Buyers request. 

The great fiverr forum uniter. 

To some, the buyers request section is a pile of garbage, sat atop a rotting animal carcass, layered in local dung and soundtracked by Muzak. 
 

For others it’s… well, it’s pretty much the same. 
 

We’ve all seen our share of insanely overreaching, marble mouthed, mad-cow nutty BR posts. But why should that stop us from contributing? 
 

I propose we create insane buyers request ad’s, share them with each other here and report on the progress - for those of us brave enough to really post them.  
 

Note: I have no idea about the rules concerning this. But something tells me that if I’m willing to pay for it - we’re able to post it. 

Or just play along.

 

It should look something like this:

“Songwriter needed for Stevie Wonder style music. Must sound like him. Must play like him. Blind applicants preferred. Must love polka. Must provide me three original complete songs (all instruments) as Stevie Wonder, doing a Randy Newman impression of a bluegrass singer. You MUST own a harpsichord. I will need the full rights and ownership of your voice. Access to an orchestra is strongly encouraged. Must provide sample of your songs by sending the full songs (I’ll totally pay you later). Must have video capability. Must agree with me that “The Many Saints of Newark” plays more like the echoes of a creator’s former genius, while lacking the agility or desire to harness those noises. Must provide pictures of your gear. Must provide pictures of your ID on your gear. Must provide your gear (we’ll send it back). Must own a grand piano. Also a Great Dane. Needed in less than 24hrs. Budget $5.00”

 

There it is. There’s my grand idea. What is the equivalent to your field? 

[katakatica]

Looking for a writer.

Native English, FrenchGermanIndianMandarinSpanish(and so on) speaker on one. NON-NATIVES, DO NOT APPLY.

The job:

Write me the story of a boy. Make it as unique as you can. 

Make it the best story ever. 

Send me your 15000 word sample first. If I like it - I will buy it. Even if I don't like it, give me commercial rights. 

 

Budget: $5

[leannelrivers]

Looking for a voice actor to narrate my amazing, epic 500,000 word fantasy novel.

Must narrate 75 different characters and make them all unique. Must deliver in 24 hours. Please provide half the book as a demo then I'll decide if you're worthy enough to come within 10 feet of my art.

Budget $5. DO NOT ASK FOR MORE MONEY. 

[lenasemenkova]

$300 (to make it interesting and worth checking out). 

Irrelevant/vague gibberish in the middle.

At the very bottom mention that the price is for 300 unique items, not a single one.

(Optional, just to add insult to injury) As a reference, provide a link to a bougie art print website with items ranging from $200 to $1000 that include an officially NBA-licensed photograph of Dennis Rodman in his golden years. 

[damooch916]

2 hours ago, leannelrivers said:

DO NOT ASK FOR MORE MONEY.

Do you ever engage in ridiculous follow ups with these pseudo clients? For example, I saw a buyer request ad for “20 songs, all instruments, original compositions, 5 dollar budget…” yada yada. It asked for a sample. 
 

So, I sent them “Imagine” by John Lennon. 

And in my cover letter I’m saying, “I realize the piano has too much reverb. I’m also aware that from a modernist viewpoint, my vision of utopianized harmony doesn’t align properly.”

The client is writing back, “Dude. That’s John Lennon’s Imagine.”

I say, “Who?”

He challenges my unawareness of John Lennon’s work. I go on to explain that while I’m not familiar with John Lennon, I’ve been recently distracted by my concept artist girlfriend. Somedays, just to get some peace, we don’t even get out of bed.

This person is livid. 

Mind you, I’m actually recording songs for clients while this is happening. But I figure, if this guy can lower the value of my field - I can “sample” his resolve.

[leannelrivers]

35 minutes ago, damooch916 said:

This person is livid. 

Not only do they not understand the value of a person's work, they're clearly lacking in irony too. 

The last time I applied for a job through BR was about 2 years ago. I occasionally pop in if I need a good belly laugh but I don't engage. 

[melanielm]

SEO post needed. Must rank #1 for keyword 'shoe' on Google, Bing, Ask Jeeves, and AltaVista. We know it doesn't exist anymore, but your article should necromance it back from the dead. Please include the word 'sock' in your response to show you read this. If your response doesn't rank at #1 for the keyword 'sock,' we will not hire you. No pay, but if you succeed, we will have a lot of new work for you at 1/10c per word and an IG shoutout to our 67 followers.

I took a look at the BR section last week for fun. It's a mess as always.

[storywriter06]

Hello! I need a writer who will illustrate thirty art pieces and write a 15000 word long story on each of them for my health blog. Stories must have one original Spanish poem in them. Writer must be willing to provide free samples of the first two stories for review as this is a big project and we have even bigger projects. If this works out, we'll have a long term relationship. Do not send an offer if you can't deliver within 5 hours. Budget can not be negotiated upwards but downwards negotiation can be considered depending on the quality of your work.

Budget: $5

Criteria: must be a blonde with red eyes and silver teeth. 

[zeus777]

4 hours ago, storywriter06 said:

Criteria: must be a blonde with red eyes and silver teeth. 

DANG, now that is gonna be hard!!!! 😆
Are wigs and color contacts OK? 😁 I can also buy those fake pop-in teeth from the dollar store and paint it silver.

Here's mine:
Looking for a person who can translate old Japanese text on a 500 year old scroll.
The scroll is about 50 feet long BTW and I have NO idea how many words there are on the darn thing.
My budget is $7, I think that's enough to buy a venti size Starbucks and a can of Redbull to keep you awake while you're working.

[vickiespencer]

I need my two male and female versions of the same book formatted for both paperback and Kindle. Please only reply to this if you can 100% do a great job, and you will do a 4000-word sample. If you agree to do a 100% excellent job, but I find it is only 99.9% great, I will cancel the order. Please download and have a look at my book's text.
 

Unsafe files detected. The download is blocked for your protection.

[fiveroptic1]

We don't even need make things up to have a laugh! 'As advertised' on BRs this afternoon. Any takers? Be quick - it already has 6 bids!

I would like assistance with turning my new book into an audiobook. I have roughly about 169 pages at a 14 font. My budget is $25.00. I am looking for an American female, energetic voice Please contact me to help thx

[john_creatives_]

 I think it should be more about the challenge first.

I need a fully functional website on shopify I want to sellback Friday product.